Growing up undiagnosed, I’ve already been anonymous for my entire life.
Wondering why I could not seem to be like everyone else my entire life was painful, however discovering my Autism has provided me with answers and allowed me to have compassion for myself like never before.
I spent my life trying to be like “them” – normal people, only to find that most of the time I either excel beyond what “they” were capable of or fail completely, depending on my level of dedication and focus. There is no middle ground with me.
This world was not built for me. Tormented by florescent light bulbs and humming air conditioners, meaningless social gestures, and people who can’t just say what they really mean.
Neurotypicals, the majority of the world’s population, built this world. Adapting to “their” ways is hard but it is in my best interest.
I work to fit in. It takes up a lot of my energy. “Normal People” out number us Aspies, but we are out there hiding in the crowd.
Now that I know Autism so intimately, I can pick other Aspies out in a room.We share some silent connection. There is often a nod and a smile. I wonder if the person in front of me is aware of what I can see in them, but out of respect I say nothing.
Discovering that I was Autistic was both freeing and painful. I went through a depression followed by a roller coaster of emotions as the shock kicked in.
Suddenly all the times when my best had not been good enough were forgivable. The poor little girl inside me was finally embraced.
My childhood had been hard. I did not deserve all of the suffering I went through, but maybe I needed to endure it. All the bullies and villains in my life have helped to make me stronger and wiser, giving me a thick skin that an easy childhood would not have grown.
Unfortunately, it seems to be extremely common for kids on the spectrum to be bullied.
With our without a diagnosis, people seam to be able to “sniff out” our Autism, although they do not know what to call it. They call us weird, awkward, or strange. We are obviously different with our eccentric ways and erratic body movements and alternate communications styles.
Autistic children learn to blend in to avoid being picked on – or at least that’s how it was for me growing up. It is almost instinctual for an Aspie to “chameleon” into society if they grow up diagnosed.
Even now, my instinct still tells me to remain Anonymously Autistic.