Being Anonymously Autistic

Growing up undiagnosed, I’ve already been anonymous for my entire life.

Wondering why I could not seem to be like everyone else my entire life was painful, however discovering my Autism has provided me with answers and allowed me to have compassion for myself like never before.

I spent my life trying to be like “them” – normal people, only to find that most of the time I either excel beyond what “they” were capable of or fail completely, depending on my level of dedication and focus. There is no middle ground with me.

This world was not built for me. Tormented by florescent light bulbs and  humming air conditioners, meaningless social gestures, and people who can’t just say what they really mean.

Neurotypicals, the majority of the world’s population, built this world. Adapting to  “their” ways is hard but it is in my best interest.

I work to fit in. It takes up a lot of my energy. “Normal People” out number us Aspies, but we are out there hiding in the crowd.

Now that I know Autism so intimately, I can pick other Aspies out in a room.We share some silent connection. There is often a nod and a smile. I wonder if the person in front of me is aware of what I can see in them, but out of respect I say nothing.

Discovering that I was Autistic was both freeing and painful. I went through a depression followed by a  roller coaster of emotions as the shock kicked in.

Suddenly all the times when my best had not been good enough were forgivable. The poor little girl inside me was finally embraced.

My childhood had been hard. I did not deserve all of the suffering I went through, but maybe I needed to endure it. All the bullies and villains in my life have helped to make me stronger and wiser, giving me a thick skin that an easy childhood would not have grown.

Unfortunately, it seems to be extremely common for kids on the spectrum to be bullied.

With our without a diagnosis, people seam to be able to “sniff out” our Autism, although they do not know what to call it. They call us weird, awkward, or strange. We are obviously different with our eccentric ways and erratic body movements and alternate communications styles.

Autistic children learn to blend in to avoid being picked on – or at least that’s how it was for me growing up. It is almost instinctual for an Aspie to “chameleon” into society if they grow up diagnosed.

Even now, my instinct still tells me to remain Anonymously Autistic.

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15 thoughts on “Being Anonymously Autistic”

  1. I can empathise about not knowing about my autism when I was younger. Definitely hard to think why can’t I be like everyone else.

    Though the people I meet after knowing I was autistic I find it easier (not easy but easier) to talk about my autism. However people who have been in my life pre-understanding of my autism I find it much harder to tell/talk to them about it. Weird isn’t it.

    Your autism is your business not anyone else’s. I hope for the day when one doesn’t have to ‘come out’ as autistic. It can just be there and as easy to talk about like your favourite food. Though it’ll probably be awhile.

    Sorry for the long comment I just really liked your post felt the need to comment. Spread the love ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

  2. What a wonderful post. Candid and self accepting. I have heard a few aspie women say they learned to blend in socially-though never feeling accepted. I could only do just so much of that as my ears gave me away. This got worse in my teens as certain sounds like the doorbell became manageable while dog and kid noises got amplified. I admit I’ve gone through self-loathing, but am in the process of changing. God loves us in spite of disability. I struggle with isolation as there aren’t any adults I come across who share the seemingly unique struggles as I do. There is also nothing in the way of support or inclusion where I live. There are some groups for people on the spectrum that get them out in the public, but they are large in number and they go to restaurants, movie theaters, parks, all the places that overwhelm me. It is an individual struggle as much as a group struggle.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Honestly, I am happiest at home with my dogs and husband. Every now and then I meet up with a friend for a short period of time, but more than an hour or two of interaction at once is always pushing it. I have 4 friends and they are amazing, but my first reaction anytime anyone asks me to go out is always panic, especially if it is last minute. I need to mentally prepare for social interaction and be well rested to handle it.

      Liked by 3 people

    1. I am ashamed to say that I became the bully in 8th grade. I was being physically assaulted and verbally harassment was happening on a regular basis. The teachers never saw it or pretended not to so it was hard to resolve the problems. I moved schools and “became a new person” completely detaching myself from my true self. Just recovered from that in the last 5 years, still rediscovering who I really am.

      Liked by 1 person

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