The Meltdown

Sometimes it creeps on slowly

I see it coming hours in advance

Other days it hits me like a freight train

I feel like I am always holding off The Beast

Swimming through mental sludge

My head is pounding and my eyes burn

Out in the world I am unprotected

I need to find a private space

Being alone is the only cure

Finally I am home

Worn down and empty

I find myself in bed early

Rolled tightly in blankets

Soothed by darkness

Maybe if I sleep the monster will leave

Sometimes rest is all I need

There are days where nothing can save me

When all my senses begin to run together

Sounds and sights become dizzying sensations

I cannot move but I must

The room is spinning so fast

I make it to the bathroom just in time

as motion sickness overtakes me

I am paralyzed by an indescribable pain

My body and mind stop working together

Getting back to my bed is challenging

So I stay on the floor in my bathroom

Curled into a tight ball

Hiding under a pile of towels

Thinking is impossible

Nothing works

The monster is in control

Total meltdown

Pain and confusion

The Monster has me

Nothing left to do but wait it out

A poem about an Autistic Meltdown.

 

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21 thoughts on “The Meltdown”

  1. Thank you so much for this poem! it describes my experiences almost perfectly, minus the wrapping up in blankets part. I have joint issues, so that would probably put me in more pain. It’s interesting because I used to like being wrapped up tight. Now, I want everything loose, or rather my body does.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You write so eloquently about your feelings, I’m in awe! I’ve had many meltdowns myself, not due to Autism, but my Vestibular Disorder. I know the monster of which you speak and there have been days I retreat to the darkness of my room, under the weight of multiple comforters…Thank you, for allowing us into your life, you’re amazing!

    Liked by 7 people

  3. That was powerful and once again very honest. Responding to this makes my heart weep, but at the same time, I smile and applaud your self-control and mindfulness that allows you to be so self-aware. And, you write about it, too.
    Careful to never attribute your talent or intelligence to the ‘monster’. That is not displaying weakness, but strength-one of your many gifts, I am sure. Autism is real, and so are you. Just continue to grow, learn, pursue your passion, and live life to your fullest. Write, paint, draw, and whatever you are almost uncontrollably drawn to express yourself to the world…just keep it positively charged. In fact, I feel like I want to give you a hug, but instead, I say, you are appreciated.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I understand that there are various waves, levels, and conditions dealing with autism. People don’t understand that. The human animal is conditioned to believe that all conditions must have the same symptoms, and if not, then the person explaining their situation and/or problem, is generating falsehoods. What you wrote was amazing. It will also challenge people who see or hear of this, to think of themselves and what they may have. The human animal is conditioned to believe that by all means it, as an individual, is normal. The truth is, there is no such thing as normal. If there were, there would not be Autism, IBS, Down Syndrome, Social Anxiety, and a whole host of other things I can’t list due to time, space, and that this is a comment, not a post. Your poem is amazing, and confession of oneself, admirable. Thank you for being one of few known people to share, and enlighten us all.

    Liked by 1 person

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