My mental profile is SO spiky. I am extremely gifted at a few things but certain things I can’t handle.
Last minute schedule changes stress me out. Meltdowns are the worst and having one in public is embarrassing as hell. A woman in her mid-thirties crying like a child. I hide and cry. This also happens anytime someone I trust misleads me (because I trust few people).
Sometimes if the schedule change is big enough I will go into a full blown panic. It is worse if I feel like I am trapped and can’t say no – I feel like I am drowning every time this happens. I know how to recover from them but they are not under my control.
My meltdown is NOT a tantrum – it is a very true expression of inner feelings that I can no longer contain. The dam has broken and a flood is imminent. Everything I’ve been holding in has got to come out.
People think I am being dramatic or exaggerating things but I literally can’t stop a meltdown. In addition the thing that I am reacting to may seem very small to them. They don’t see things from my perspective or know all the other factors that went into building that meltdown.
Maybe someone I love just passed away, or I am feeling sick, maybe I am having horrible PMS, or trouble sleeping, sometimes my social anxiety gets out of control.
These are the disabling things I don’t talk about.
I tend to bottle everything up, which can’t be healthy, and eventually like a can of frozen soda – when the pressure becomes too great, I POP! I’ve done this all my life.
It’s too late once a meltdown has started, they have to run their course – sometimes if I get away fast enough I can help one pass more quickly.
While meltdowns are physically and mentally painful and I NEVER want to have one, sometimes the relief felt after one is amazing especially if you’ve been under extra stress.
I always feel worn out afterwards, like someone who has had a seizure, or an orgasm. Sometimes I feel naked and exposed meltdowns make you feel vulnerable and out of control.
Please be compassionate next time you see a thirty-something woman crying in public, you don’t know what she’s got going on.
She might be autistic, she might be stressed, she might even be me. 😉