Oops – I’ve Lost Another Friend

Oops I’ve lost another friend

I thought that we were close

But you’ve got needs

that I can’t fill

You want more from me than I can give

I leave you feeling empty

You tell me friends hang out more

When my social anxiety gets the best of me

and I would cancel

at first you calmed to understand

Eventually you got tired of waiting

telling me you wanted more

I know now

and it breaks my heart

that I must let you go

Goodbye my friend of many years

My friend who cannot understand

I hate to see you go

and will miss you when you’re gone

but your no good for me

when you hurt me so

your words cut deep

we cannot repair

I’m afraid you’ve got to go

A poem about losing friends.

Being Autistic has made it more difficult for me to make friends. I don’t bond with everyone but deeply care about the friends I have. Loosing a friendship is like burying a friend.

It is a great and painful loss but if the relationship is not mutually beneficial than I can see no point.

I have Social Anxiety Disorder – sometimes I cancel plans but it doesn’t mean I did not want to hang out. My fiends feel unwanted and one by one most of them have drifted away.

People don’t understand and I can’t blame them for that – doesn’t mean it does not sting whenever it happens.

 

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54 thoughts on “Oops – I’ve Lost Another Friend”

  1. O gosh, I can relate so much. I’ve been ghosted by a lot of “friends” over the years. One of them even said she wasn’t that attached to me (ouch). I don’t have social anxiety like you do but I do need lots and lots and lots of downtime and not everyone can deal with rescheduled plans.
    Thanks for sharing. It makes me feel less alone.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank YOU for sharing. Unfortunately this seems to be common in the “Chronic Health / Spoonie” community. You are definitely NOT alone. It sucks that people don’t understand. They say they do – and that is what gets me.

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  2. All my life, and I have than more years behind me then in front. Lost two wives who I loved dearly and many people I wish were still my friends. This Christmas I went to a party.. The sounds, lights drove me out in a matter of minutes. It is what it is and no explanation is called for.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. This has happened to me again and again. It hurts to lose friends, especially when it is so hard to make them to begin with, but I guess it makes those rare friends who understand and are happy with what you can give all the more important.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. i have to warn you about becoming a total recluse. first of all, some of my favorite people on earth are recluses. and we might still have the privilege of knowing you online.

        that said, i was married to a recluse and it put great strain on her and our marriage. compare it to washing your hands with anti-bacterial soap every 10 minutes. it will kill the beneficial germs on your skin that protect you from other ones, it will make your skin dry and worn out, and it still wont protect you from the worst germs. you need contact with the world for your health.

        probably– the point isnt “dont be a recluse” but give real consideration to drawing a line somewhere between here and “all the way.” some of those stressful encounters outside could be your only real hope one day.

        im becoming more reclusive too this year. but im still going to go out not because i have to, but because i will even more likely regret staying inside forever than i will going out. find a balance, even if its leaning reclusive. and yes– not interacting will cost you more friends than anything. i know it cost my wife dearly. whatever you do, keep making friends. some people do care, and a small handful even “get” you, i think. best!

        Liked by 2 people

      2. My wife is my only “friend” (quotes, because I’m not sure if I should categorize her that way or not). I would get infrequent “friendships” (not sure about those either) from work, but I’m not in the workplace anymore; Anna, you are, so if you’re worried about becoming a complete recluse, keep working.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. ” Anna, you are, so if you’re worried about becoming a complete recluse, keep working.” – Exactly! I need to work to get me out of the house. The forced socialization with the extreme NT people at my office is hard but keeps me sharp. 😉

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Don’t give up! 2017 is a new year, try joining some groups that you will enjoy, or volunteer for example. YOU ARE WORTH IT and I’d say have a beautiful soul, that a lot of people don’t have.

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  4. I feel sad for your loss.

    Marcus Aurelius would urge you to look at the positive side:
    1. You had the good fortune to have him/her as a friend for a while. He/she made you happy.
    2. This is also an opportunity to understand what unconditional love is.

    And I would also quote one more legend – Carl Fredrick Gauss: “Few but ripe”. As time goes by we carry the dearest ones; the ones who understand us; the ones who take us as we are. The few that are ripe!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. You understand why. Your former friend does not. That friend did not truly know you well enough to grasp the difficulties life has placed on you. It must be very difficult. May you find lasting friendships in the future.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I know this is not in any way, shape or form consolation, but it happens to me (us,) too. I am, as you know, one of two (count ’em!…TWO) neuro-typical parents of an individual with ASD. While we are not, as he is, affected by the sort of anxiety that interferes with his ability to socialize and develop significant friendships (after the fashion dictated by others…of course,) we are touched by the ripple effect this causes.

    People don’t “get” that sometimes we just can’t. Neither of us parents is a social butterfly to start with, but what little ability/desire/inclination/opportunity we have to act like socializing social beings IS contingent on J’s ability to -at any given moment and on very short notice- tolerate/participate in/accept/process/go along with social interactions.

    We are not on the Spectrum, but it is -as it were- part of our life. It is extremely difficult (and we were discussing this over a much-deserved cup of strong coffee earlier this morning) to get people to understand the intricate nature of how this all works. It is always sad (mournful even) to see people “go,” but there is very little one can do to get them to fully comprehend what “this” is like…short of having them actually experience it personally.

    So…while we are not IN the same situation as you are, we are close to understanding what you mean when you tell us this.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I believe we are in each other’s lives for certain periods of mutually beneficial time, and then we part, and move on to the next friendship or love. Life is a constant ebb and flow—otherwise it would be boring. Try not to spend too much time alone…you could miss out on the next bit of happiness, and you deserve all the happy times you can collect!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I have also lost friends, but in my case it was for the opposite reason. I was too emotionally draining on the other person. I used to be pretty negative, and focused on my problems. It’s probably not due to being on the spectrum but to other issues I have. I sympathize with you. For me, losing friends is like a breakup. I right now have a former friend who I feel is like an ex-girlfriend. We became too enmeshed, and it eventually became too much for both of us.

    I do hope you open yourself up to friendship again, after taking this time to grieve.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. I had a friend for 25 years. Met him when I was 7 1/2. He never spoke about me to others. no one ever knew about me, but I knew about them. He grabbed on what they did, and if I did something better, he found a way to make me feel low by saying one tiny thing they did that would bury me. He had a secret life from me with friend he did not want me to meet. The day he ask, “do you trust me.” I said, “No.” He was stunned. He never asked why.
    You didn’t lose a friend. You gained more freedom, and sanity. Don’t feel sad, be happy you are more awake then before. Your autism is your friend. It helps you weed out the weak, the non-intellectual, and those against critical-thinking. BE HAPPY. The pain will ease overtime into wondering “what ifs” and “why nots” and yet, part of you will say, “Let’s not go back into that crap again. Once hit, forever evade.”

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I lost a friend this summer because i could not deal with being set-up or ‘forgotten’ anymore. We would arrange to meet and then she would forget or not show up. I was so hurt. At the same time i set my boundaries which i find hard to do. I felt empowered. The trying to set up get togethers were causing me a lot of anxiety.
    With this said! Did your friend know of the social anxiety you have? Because if the friend i drifted from came to me with an explanation for it then i would of being more compassionate about her situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your own experience. Yes she knows but still let me know bluntly that I don’t fill her needs as a friend. Let me realize she is too needy for an Aspie like me. Bitter sweet but will turn up in the end.

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      1. Omg then obviously even though it hurts it is a blessing in disguise! You definitely do not need that in your life. Friends shall be there through thick and thin. She knows you have a condition and still did that. Definitely her loss.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I only have one mental category for people I care about, family. You are either ‘people I know’, ‘people I don’t know’, or ‘family’.
    The loss of a friend honestly feels the same to me as the death of a relative. It makes me very careful who I let in (to the extent I can control it) because they have no idea the power I have given up to call them Friend and how deeply they can hurt me. I wont ever tell them. I can’t stand the thought that they might use it as a weapon in a fit of anger in the future without comprehension of what they are wielding.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I would just like to point out what I have noticed in my son. He has autism, and he can spot a fellow autistic child a mile away. He bonds with them. Together, they get each other’s quirks, their differences. It is completely unspoken. Here is a little boy who is completely incapable of making “typical” friends because he feels everyone hates him, or is staring at him, or doesn’t understand him. Who can find a fellow “non-typical” kid and be playing Zombies in 10 minutes. You have a great community of “friends” here because we understand (to some level) you. We either are knee-deep in the thick of it ourselves or with a family member. Why not seek out someone who really does get it? Let down your walls and share with someone… I was very quiet about Grey at first, but I have found a lot of (non-whiney real) Moms who have become great friends to me because they get it. Just my Penny’s worth. Hope I didn’t offend or over step!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ” Let down your walls and share with someone…” that is what I am doing here. You must also realize that I don’t enjoy face to face communications as much because I process information on a delay. I prefer typing because I have time to think and compose my thoughts. Conversations are hard and require a lot of mental energy. Everyone always wanted me to have more friends – but trying to see people in person causes me a lot of anxiety. I am happier when I don’t force myself to go out.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I respect that! I do! If you are happy with where you are than I am truly happy for you! You do not need to be someone or something that you are not. I think I may have misinterpreted your loss of a friend and reclusiveness as a sadness, but maybe it is, but at the same time for you is not. “Everyone always wanted me to have more friends” Everyone is not you, and you are the only one who matters, you control you, you control your life. Head held high.

        Liked by 1 person

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