Autistic Confessions – Am I REALLY Autistic?

A conversation among my readers brings up an interesting common feeling among Aspies. Many of us remember reading the definition of Autism or Asperger’s before we were diagnosed. A lot of us read those words and thought – “Oh, no this is definitely not me!”

Still something doesn’t let the thoughts settle so we do a bit more digging. For me it was finding other Autistic writers in books and online. Before hearing their voices I had always felt like some creature other than human. I assumed I was a broken human, defective, odd, strange.

It started with YouTube videos, then I found blogs, and invisible disability websites. Finally after a lifetime in the dark I found my tribe. Hearing and reading voices that echoed my own gave me confidence. Before I felt broken but with the Aspies I was just another one of the group – a real life “Ugly Duckling” story.

We had things in common, many things. Things I never share with people, experiences that most people cannot relate to or understand, the way my mind works – my deepest darkest secrets. The Aspies and I had a lot in common, all the things I’ve never tried to share with other people because I knew the looks people would give me for being honest.

All this and still I wondered if I really was Autistic so I decided to seek a diagnosis. Even after getting a diagnosis I STILL wondered if I really was Autistic. The label, handed over by a doctor, seemed to imply that there was something “wrong with me” and I never felt that way – at least not in relation to the way my brain works.

One of my readers mentioned “feeling like she was not disabled” enough to be Autistic despite being officially diagnosed.

Too many medical types and non-Autistics speaking about Autism. It’s about time we start speaking for ourselves.

This is why we need more Autistic writers to speak out about what they are experiencing, so the other Aspies can wake up, stop feeling alone, and broken. There are too many lonely Autistic people in the world. I wish them truth and ease. Hopefully some day they will find their home.

It took me a long time, even after my diagnosis to fully accept the truth – especially when almost everyone I tell about my Autism won’t believe me. There are still days when I wonder.

Maybe it’s my OCD? I know it makes me second guess and doubt myself even when I KNOW I’m right.

This strange feeling that I only get on my best, healthiest, clearest mind day – am I REALLY Autistic? (Then a bad sensory day where I cannot leave the house or cry in public reminds me – still an Aspie!)

Check out the comments that inspired this blog post HERE on AnonymouslyAutistic.net.

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic #AutismAwareness #AutismAcceptance #AnonymouslyAutistic

Advertisements

50 thoughts on “Autistic Confessions – Am I REALLY Autistic?”

    1. ? So we’re any of you in special ed or got any extra help growing up
      Or were most of you very smart did well in school but had trouble just socially so didn’t no you had mild as .

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I was considered to be above average intelligence throughout my school years, though I consistently underachieved, and I had a lot of problems socially. I had no idea I might be autistic or aspergers until much later in life when I encountered some people who had diagnoses and they told me my behaviour matched them almost to a T.
        I haven’t yet been able to get an official diagnosis, or even an assessment, yet, but the more I read and research the more it seems that I am somewhere on the spectrum.

        Liked by 3 people

        1. Ditto. I was always intellectual, but just scraped by at school and university. Ultimately I realise that I was press ganged into a certain academic route by others.

          Ultimately I now realise that I wasn’t meant to follow the herd. Specialisterne in Belfast are gonna contact my employment advisor about reprographic work since graphic design is the field I was to work at.

          Liked by 1 person

      2. I was in special education when I was young and had tutor a few years later. I was a b-c (sometimes d student) with poor social skills. However I still feel I was “smart” just not smart AT school. Things that bore me go in one ear and out the other things that catch my attention and interest me I can learn every detail about. That’s just how I learn. School wanted me to learn boring things that seemed completely irrelevant and I had a lot of trouble with that.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I was in special education when I was young and had tutor a few years later. I was a b-c (sometimes d student) with poor social skills. However I still feel I was “smart” just not smart AT school. Things that bore me go in one ear and out the other things that catch my attention and interest me I can learn every detail about. That’s just how I learn. School wanted me to learn boring things that seemed completely irrelevant and I had a lot of trouble with that. Check back in next Tue for a full blog post about school.

        Like

  1. I ask myself these questions all the time even with my chronic back pain, one or two it settles down and I think I’m getting better. But before I know it, it returns. I personally cannot help feeling that my OCD and ASD are very closely linked anyway. To me your posts and other posts think and word things very similar to the way I would (and by your following many other diagnosed aspies) and I believe we are diagnosed this way exactly for these (at times, painfully) thought processes we put ourselves through. It could just as well be ‘am I a liar, am I just making this autism stuff up, sure I’ve been diagnosed, but was that just the way I reacted at the time’. But it’s exactly those reactions, it’s hard to believe that many people do not have these all these obstacles to contend with everytime they do something. Can you imagine how much we could do if those obstacles were removed, how easy life would be, how free you would feel. Most people do. I’m envious. But we have so many more unique qualities, makes us just as valuable if not more.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I definitely relate to this. I have my doubts but then I have a meltdown, for example, and my self-diagnosis is confirmed. Or, on my job where I often spend time with children on the spectrum. I see them struggle with what I struggle with. It was these children who first introduced me to my constant companion. I used to think I was from some other planet and got left behind. Since my discovery of ASD, I don’t have such alien thoughts anymore.

    Like

  3. I find it very frustrating that people associate having a diagnosis (of any kind) with being somehow broken. I think this is the most terrible part of the stigma that comes with mental illness. We are not broken. And we don’t have to be disabled at all. Sometimes I think that these labels that we give each other hurt us more then they help. I wish that we could just look at each other, nod and say “you are you” and not need anything else to explain the weird or quirky things that we do. But I will say that it was also nice to have found “my tribe” as you put it. When you find people that think the way you do and share the same challenges it is really validating. But don’t focus as much on the diagnosis as the being well.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I can relate to this very much. My son as ASD and I find myself ‘thinking’ he really doesnt have it from time to time. His school has yearly conferences and evaluations, they recently told me at my last one that he will not qualify for special services any longer because he is doing so well and will not meet the qualifications for needing help. I am happy on one hand that he is doing so well in school, I know he has had his struggles especially when he was younger. But I find myself thinking maybe he doesnt have it, maybe we used this label to excuse some of his odd behaviors or quirks ?? Seems like everything has to have a label now a days. Bottom line is that he has come a long way since elementary school, he was plagued by anxiety and definitely much more rigid thinking and his sensitivities to sounds. All have gotten so much better that sometimes I think — he is fine and will not have anymore problems 😦 A few other family members children have been diagnosed too, one mom was saying that her son will never be able to live on his own !?!? I think how can my son and her son have the same thing ?!? Sorry for rambling… Your site is very helpful! God Bless !!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wount let them pull that .he derive any help he needs .he maybe ok now .but things could change as he gets older .i keep him on the iep till he grad HS .it his right .an the school isn’t qualify to dx An tell parents if a child needs it or not .they only do that to get out of paying for extra help .they can be so shady

      Liked by 2 people

    2. I struggle with this too. All the time. Is he, or not? His services were all pulled after 3rd grade but that was by far the worst year in school for him due to be a large public school and he got bullied. I put him in a small private school 4th, 5th and now 6th grade and he’s so much better! No services but it’s small enough that he doesn’t struggle socially and academically they can go his pace.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. For me I was more severe when younger so my situion was diff .i was showing signs of delays as a baby an so on .i .still get help in adult autism services .i wish they had iPads when I was little .it would have help a lot .but I no it harder for my friends with AS for other to understand when they are haveing a hard time .comoared to me or my friends .were I guess other can tell I have something or no I have autism .even though im hf now for me an can do a lot of things my parents were told I never be able to do lol they smile evetytime we call it check that off the list of what we were told lol

        Liked by 3 people

  5. I always knew there was something about the extreme sound sensitivity, but it took me a long time to think there was something “wrong with me”. Of course, that is what my NT peers were saying (among other things). For those who are intolerant of ND people, they really have a mental disorder called a phobia. Personally, I was relieved when I did get my diagnosis @ age 19. I thought it was so long in coming and now I read about adults getting diagnosed in their 4th or 5th decade of life-wow!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Thank you for writing your story. I agree that there is nothing wrong with you or with other Aspies. I believe you are special and although I am not religious, I believe you were all brought to earth to change it. Whether it be just your presence; the mere fact that you are who you are 100%. This world tries to change you and make you believe there is something wrong with you in hopes that you will doubt yourself and submit to the “norm” which is just another word for “conditioned.” Don’t ever let those who are already trapped in a conditioned mind make you doubt your path. You ARE special, but there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. Much love!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Yep. Find myself second-guessing more than I like. Particularly, because mine is a self-diagnosis and I have had a few people disparage its validity. Things said-especially unkind things- tend to echo and re-echo in my brain on a loop that takes much effort to shut off. And, then, second-guessing has always been in my nature. I can’t remember a day without doubts crowding in about so many things I do. I will likely comb over this comment, for example, several times over before I am ready to move on. 🙂 On this particular question, to combat the doubts, I recall all the ways things from my childhood onward compare to my children, how so much has come into focus, and how much I relate to folks like yourself. Thank you for your openness.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. As these comments seem to prove, there’s a probably lot of second-guessers out there, even after our DXs :/ I wish disability wouldn’t need such strong ties with the medical community, as ironic as that sounds.
    In my country you can only get a formal diagnosis if you are deemed to need one. Just being autistic isn’t enough, you have to fail life somehow and make it noticable. Which is one of the reasons why I was so worried. I knew I couldn’t manage studies, social life, work etc by my own, but could I really get across how much I needed help? But even without a diagnosis I would still be my autistic self, but without knowing it.

    Now I’m pretty sure (most days) that I am autistic, but now I worry about not being seen as autistic enough among other autistics. The struggle never stops.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. i can always find an nd that “gets it,” finding nts that drop their skepticism is still a needle in a haystack.

      constant skepticism. my heart goes out to people who are in a wheelchair but can actually get up and walk for like 30 seconds, because yknow, obviously if they can walk for 30 seconds, theyre just not putting their all in! cmon man, youre obviously in that thing for a lark… :/ (i know, i know, i know.)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel like you can only find those people when you least expect it, but when you do, they’re lovely.

        The lack of knowledge when it comes to disability is scary. People refusing to believe in invisible disabilities, if you have a visual disability you’re treated like a child, and even then people seem to think disabled people should just try a bit harder :/

        Liked by 2 people

        1. “disabled people should just try a bit harder”

          heh, yeah. like if you have some condition where you can walk a couple yards, obviously “with enough effort” you can just “keep trying” until youve got the usual ability to walk. because thats how things work in the imagination of someone who doesnt quite follow. “why cant…” hey, answered your own question there!

          Liked by 1 person

          1. “whyd you make the same point twice?”
            “because i was replying to a little box that didnt show the thread.”
            “oh…”
            “why didnt you go look at the rest of the thread?”
            “because i was using the little box, because it was there.”

            (the best thing about being nd is that people start to notice that any little thing you get wrong is something they can fix by asking the right question about something you never thought about before. hindsight is 20/20, but neurotypical is like superman-level!

            “dont worry lois, with the right heuristics you can get everything right the first time!” “but superman, do you get everything right the first time?” “of course i do. its in the script!”)

            as absurd as the whole thing is, every conversation i have with an nt seems to follow the “why didnt you” pattern. why didnt i think of that! (well i often do think of that. real life isnt always that simple, except when its someone elses. then its obviously cake! why didnt they think of that?)

            Liked by 2 people

          2. Except that one time when he turned time backwards I suppose….XD

            But yes, all these “why” questions. Will they ever stop?

            “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
            “……..”

            Liked by 3 people

          3. the biggest issue here imo is that self-advocacy hasnt reached a threshold where people have to take it seriously. the best-intentioned (but not really best-informed) people find it too difficult to believe. so far.

            its easy, when one person says “i have this need, something you may not need, but i do.” and like its something on a menu they can say “sorry, ducks off!” to “why dont you try the lamb, its lovely?”

            even we have our doubts, which is the thing. until we connect, and realize that its common stuff– including wanting to be accepted rather than “cured.” (do gays want to be cured? some might, for many or most– if not all– it would be completely unethical.)

            so when self-advocacy (because autism $peaks is garbage) reaches that point, people will start to realize “theres a ****ing good reason why…” and on that happy day, the “why” questions will continue, ever diminshing. we must live for that day. ❤ cheers.

            Liked by 3 people

          4. I feel like the word “self-advocacy” in a way takes away the seriousness of it. Which is why I like to say that I practice advocacy. I suppose autism advocacy is a rather new thing, so we still have a very long road ahead of us. Or we wouldn’t have so many autistics championing A$ for example. Because we’re autistic many of us can’t advocate in the traditional way either. Which is ok, but makes it easier for us to get dismissed (not our fault). I’m sure we’ll make it, though. It’ll include hard work, but it will be worth it.

            Liked by 2 people

          5. “I feel like the word “self-advocacy” in a way takes away the seriousness of it.”

            that is its semantic weakness, yes. but “autistic advocacy” without self is an oxymoron, or at least unlikely to happen, so the distinction is necessary despite the costs of it.

            “Or we wouldn’t have so many autistics championing A$ for example.”

            without self-advocacy, we wouldnt have any.

            “many of us can’t advocate in the traditional way either. ”

            sure. but thats the whole reason we need each other as advocates.

            “makes it easier for us to get dismissed”

            theres money in exploiting us. just ask trumps buddy and cure-happy a$-co-founder. i ignore most of the stuff they say about trump, because theres so much garbage going on no matter who is in office. but the connection between trump and the foothold of a$ is there anyway.

            Liked by 1 person

    2. I took a long list of my problems but was suffering from some comorbid stress related health issues. I hated listing out all the negative things and troubles but a list of how it affects me day to day helps. I also have OCD and Social Anxiety to deal with on a day to day – but DR did not diagnose OCD because they said it was covered by ASD. Even with all that we still doubt. I alway second guess myself though even when I KNOW I am right.

      Like

      1. Painful, but as you say, a good way to get a good overview. I’m really struggling to find enough energy to work 12 hours a week and then making / eating food, so it could hopefully be useful.

        Strange, I don’t think OCD should be covered by ASD. I know aspies that are also dx’d with OCD.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. It’s funny I’ve never questioned my diagnosis of Autism and few people who’ve spent more than 5 minutes talking to me question it either. Getting an offical diagnosis wasn’t a shock in a way it was liberating because now I could go data hunting and in the process found out a lot of my quirky habits are common traits among ASDs and it’s allowed me to find my tribe (and so far you’ve all been lovely).

    What I struggle with is people telling me I don’t have Autism I must have Aspergers because I’m female and I walk, talk and 95% of the time have socially acceptable behaviour patterns. If you look at the old diagnosis criteria I do NOT meet the criteria for Aspergers I 100% meet the criteria for Autism.

    I have no idea why it gets on my nerves that people can’t accept I’m Autistic not Aspergers but it does. Yes I know technically under the new diagnostic criteria we are all “Autistic” and on the “Spectrum” but somehow it just irritates me that people even people I know who’ve worked with Autistic kids have a hard time believing a “girl” can be Autistic not Aspergers.

    Ok rant over thank you for listening 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    1. This REALLY gets me too – only here we ONLY have Autism as a diagnosis now. I am friendly so people can NOT believe I have any form of social disability. They have no idea they only see about 20% of what is actually going on in my mind.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m not autistic. But due to social anxiety and sensory issues caused by my anxiety disorder I’m able to relate. I understand trying to second guess a diagnose and a lot of that may also be fear. For me it was fear of knowing that I would never be considered “normal”. Also, despite what my mom used to tell me when I was teen, fear that I may never “outgrow” this “phase” but it’s who i am. It’s hard struggling for self acceptance.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Hi Anne,

    I think you are very informed and no matter what issues you battle with you will work through them as an example to others. Praying as always for you.

    Thanks,

    Gary

    On Thu, Mar 30, 2017 at 2:02 AM Anonymously Autistic wrote:

    > anonymouslyautistic posted: “A conversation among my readers brings up an > interesting common feeling among Aspies. Many of us remember reading the > definition of Autism or Asperger’s before we were diagnosed. A lot of us > read those words and thought – “Oh, no this is definitely not me” >

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s