Autistic Confessions – Feeling Stuck – Running Away

There are times when my anxiety takes over, these are the days when I feel stuck. There is so much to do and too many things depending on me. Looking around at the mass before me, my life seems completely overwhelming.

There is too much to do, where do I even start? I am so stuck.

I get lost, perfectionism takes over, or my inspiration simply vanishes. Being productive becomes impossible but in not being productive I am only making my life worse. The endless loop of chores and work bury me alive and I can’t get out.

Drowning in all of it. Adulthood, responsibilities, work, family, people who depend on you. Some days I just want to run, run away. Maybe if I run far enough, if disappear without a word in the night, I will escape my troubles.

I want to be invisible.

What troubles would I leave behind? So much suffering for the people who love me, who need me. Still I fantasize about starting over, vanishing without a trace.

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26 thoughts on “Autistic Confessions – Feeling Stuck – Running Away”

  1. You have captured what most of us feel, at least at some point in life.

    However, as my Yoga teacher says, “You may get away, but where will you leave your mind?”

    I think learning to say No is a useful start.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I was just where you were for about 6 months due to a panic disorder on top of the autism. Hang on, it gets better. Banish all bad thoughts, tell them you can’t handle them right now. I was so sick I couldn’t clean either, but now I have to clean it up. My favorite expression “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time”. Start small, and with the absolutely necessary and work your way up.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Hi AA,
    I can’t even start what I want to say, as I can feel your pain, because it’s amongst the very few things I can ever feel inside. But it would be somewhere around the thoughts of @Balaji about learning to say NO…
    I come from a long “tradition” of autistics (Asperger’s) where expressing “love” was all about a deep sense of responsibility and care for others, probably a subconscious compensation for the lack of ’emotions’ besides anger…
    What was/is the result? Exactly your words:
    “I want to be invisible. What troubles would I leave behind? So much suffering for the people who love me, who need me. Still I fantasize about starting over, vanishing without a trace.”
    Every day, every ******* day almost exactly the same thoughts…
    And you realise that some things you just can’t drop, because it’s too late, and the responsibility fuse would blow even at the thought…
    Unfortunately, I have to face every day with the thought of my mother having ended up in a nursing home, after she literally imploded after there was no one left to care for…
    So I’ve learned my lesson: I started to claw back what I thoughtlessly and selflessly gave away to everyone around me, my own self…
    And it started with very feeble and scared “no, I’m sorry, but I can’t…”, “not now”, etc, and re-invest that time in ME, ignoring and fighting back every attempt to having my existence re-monopolised by someone else, regardless who they were/are…
    Because you know, to my deepest disappointment and frustration, the ones I gave the most, failed to return the smallest when I was really down and in need. I had to pull my life together always alone.
    And no, I didn’t turn my back, but instead learned to gave everyone, after I gave myself.
    One lesson I keep in front of my mind now, the one you hear every time you fly: in case of an emergency, pull the oxygen mask first on yourself, and after that on anyone else you may want.
    Because I’m no good to anyone, including myself, if I’m slowly suffocating…
    I wish you from the depth of my heart, all the best I could wish to myself.
    Take care 💐

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Ąww… My thoughts and prayers are with you… Take good care of yourself…. I life can feel so tough…. 💞

    On 25 Apr 2017 4:14 p.m., “Anonymously Autistic” wrote:

    > anonymouslyautistic posted: “There are times when my anxiety takes over, > these are the days when I feel stuck. There is so much to do and too many > things depending on me. Looking around at the mass before me, my life seems > completely overwhelming. There is too much to do, where do I” >

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ah, yes. How many times I felt this. I have fantasized how lovely it’d be to be in a quiet room all to myself, nothing to tend to. But, with so many others counting on me, especially little someones, I can’t let it last long. So…I operate on a calendar and list basis, one checkmark at a time. Something about the physical act of checking things off helps my mental outlook. Also, I continually comb through my priorties and look for what can be eliminated to avoid extra burdens. It sometimes even works. lol.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I am sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. You may need to talk to someone outside of the blogosphere. I just contaced ASAN in my area to see how they could help. If it is somthingg urgent, conootaaacct theh Crirsis Linenne. Ssorrry, my y y y y pcpc i is craapppping out on me.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh my goodness, I completely know this feeling. And I did start to run away, in the sense that I started to leave the house, even in the middle of the night, simply to try and get away from whatever it was that I thought /think I need to get away from. And then one time, about a year ago ( pre autism epiphany and diagnosis) my need to run away was so strong that I actually started to run a bit. I was so unfit. But then I did it another time. I found the act of running was so freeing, so… I don’t know how to describe it, it’s kind of raw, natural, like throwing everything off you. I did it more and more (I’m 56 and slightly overweight, and was pretty unfit at the time), and bit by bit went further and longer. I still run. It’s amazing. I don’t do it for fitness, although obviously that’s a benefit. I do it for the head clearing it gives me. I can’t recommend it highly enough. It’s my go to activity when I feel overwhelmed and stuck and anxious and full up from sensory overload, or just plain mentally done in from brain processing all day. It’s genuinely the best thing ever. Try it. If I can start at my age and Size and fitness, anyone can. By the way, I had a total hip replacement 3 years ago (due to an injury from my teens), but I can still run (with high cushioned shoes). Maybe jogging is a more accurate term, but some days I feel the need to push to my limit simply for the sense of freedom I get from it and I just pick up speed and run at full speed for a bit. I feel good right now even thinking about it!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Seriously right there now. I have an exam tomorrow I don’t have time to study for, a house to clean, laundry, trying to find a job, and reading your blog because the thought of trying to tackle all of that is so overwhelming I can’t even start

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I sometimes feel this exact same way and I don’t have Autism. I can’t imagine what your world must feel like during times like these. Stay strong and carry on… one foot in front of the other… one day at a time. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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