Category Archives: Autistic Burnout

Autistic Confessions – In Hiding

I’ve been in hiding. Desperately trying to conserve the energy that I have left at the end of the work day. Being in an offices is extremely hard, despite having kind coworkers. At the end of the day my head is pounding and my energy is drained, leaving little left for more pleasant things.

Hidden away from the world, I turn down almost every invitation. Navigating the social aspects of my workplace leaves my social mussels overworked. I’ve push almost everyone away because I literally can not handle anyone or anything extra at the moment.

I’ve stopped checking my personal email. There are so many emails and so much information being shared at work. I get to the point where I just need all input to stop. My brain has become bogged down and slow, as I try to process my days when I get home.

My brain is like a sponge, it sucks up everything until it is drowning and oozing. Covered and dripping with too much information this most important organ can no longer function, so I shut it off, preventing meltdowns.

This is burnout, this is me in self preservation mode. I am holding on but some days I am barely here. I try very hard to always stay positive because I know sinking into a depressing would be the worst thing for me at this point.

In the meantime it’s many solitary walks in the woods, counting my breaths, less commitments, and as much creative down time as possible.

That is why I have gone into hiding, reclusive, in quiet stillness. I’ve got to take care of myself, there is nobody to do it for me.

 

Autistic Confessions – I Just Can’t Do People Today

Sometimes I have days where seeing another human being seems like the most draining and intimidating task in the entire world. These are the days when I just want to stay home and speak to nobody.

There are days when I need to recover from all the excitement and bustle of professional life, sitting in silence barely saying a word outside of typing on my keyboard. Days like this I spend at home – my dog and husband are the only creatures I want to see. Sometimes, as I conserve energy, even these interactions are at a minimal.

Every now and then there are times when I don’t feel like talking. I avoid conversations and crowded places. Please don’t take it personally when I conserve energy.

Autistic Burnout – Are You Going Through Burnout?

The most popular search term used to find my website is “Autistic Burnout” which leads me to believe that it is a topic that many readers have interest in. As always I am more than happy to elaborate and share what I’ve experienced on this topic however I am still waiting for a medical explanation for the onset of these disturbing symptoms.

Burnouts (sometimes called Autistic Regression in children) can last for weeks or months and can be reoccurring and can be tied to life and health events. Sometimes Autistic Burnout can look like and may be mistaken for or come with depression.

I’ve gone through burnout three times in my life.

My worst burnout was around puberty and my most recent burnout came when I moved and started a new job. In both of my most recent burnouts a major schedule change was involved and I had to adjust to a new normal.

Burnouts seem to be tied to stress and self worth. As an Aspie, having any large life changing event is almost guaranteed to cause me problems.

When I go through burnout it is easier for me to have meltdowns and they become more frequent.

My head aches almost constantly and my brain becomes fuzzy. Easy tasks may become more difficult. Trying to think can feel like swimming through thick glue.

My mind and body become worn down and tired easily and my sensory processing disorder gets a bit out of control. My senses become unpleasant and I don’t want to be in public.

Full blown sensory meltdowns don’t normally bother me unless I am going through burnouts or am not getting enough rest.

Burnouts make me feel like I am always tired, running on fumes and could meltdown at any moment. They make me feel sick and weak and even mess with my digestion.

There is only one cure that has ever helped me to recover from burnout – working passionately on a creative project that I am good at and being alone.

For me solitude is my savior. I feel the most calmness and clarity when left alone with my own thoughts and actions. On my own I can rest and repair the damage.

Your personal experience may be different than mine because we all after all are individuals.

Have you ever experienced Autistic Burnout?

Meltdowns Suck, I Hate Crying In Public, & No I Can’t Turn it Off

My mental profile is SO spiky. I am extremely gifted at a few things but certain things I can’t handle.

Last minute schedule changes  stress me out. Meltdowns are the worst and  having one in public is embarrassing as hell. A woman in her mid-thirties crying like a child.  I hide and cry. This also happens anytime someone I trust misleads me (because I trust few people).

Sometimes if the schedule change is big enough I will go into a full blown panic. It is worse if I feel like I am trapped and can’t say no – I feel like I am drowning every time this happens. I know how to recover from them but they are not under my control.

My meltdown is NOT a tantrum – it is a very true expression of inner feelings that I can no longer contain. The dam has broken and a flood is imminent. Everything I’ve been holding in has got to come out.

People think I am being dramatic or exaggerating things but I literally can’t stop a meltdown. In addition the thing that I am reacting to may seem very small to them. They don’t see things from my perspective or know all the other factors that went into building that meltdown.

Maybe someone I love just passed away, or I am feeling sick, maybe I am having horrible PMS, or trouble sleeping, sometimes my social anxiety gets out of control.

These are the disabling things I don’t talk about.

I tend to bottle everything up, which can’t be healthy, and eventually like a can of frozen soda – when the pressure becomes too great, I POP! I’ve done this all my life.

It’s too late once a meltdown has started, they have to run their course – sometimes if I get away fast enough I can help one pass more quickly.

While meltdowns are physically and mentally painful and I NEVER want to have one, sometimes the relief felt after one is amazing especially if you’ve been under extra stress.

I always feel worn out afterwards, like someone who has had a seizure, or an orgasm. Sometimes I feel naked and exposed meltdowns make you feel vulnerable and out of control.

Please be compassionate next time you see a thirty-something woman crying in public, you don’t know what she’s got going on.

She might be autistic, she might be stressed, she might even be me. 😉

 

Working Full Time (Is Killing Me) – Autism at Work

Now that I know the reason for my social impairments and shortcomings, I am more accepting of my own failures.

Before I knew I was Autistic, I remember crying alone wondering why I could not just figure out the nuances of conversation. Why even when I thought I was doing everything right to have a polite conversation, people told me I still spoke out of turn and repeated myself .

The way I relate to others is somehow of-putting. I tend to ramble and turn conversations back onto myself. People think I don’t care about what they have to say but really, I’m just trying to say – “I understand.”

In fact I am also much more aware of my own failures now – this was hard on my self esteem when I was first diagnosed. Suddenly all of my flaws were illuminated, in my face, and so official.

I realized that I could not read faces, realized how much I was struggling just for timing in conversations, realized that auditory processing delays make face to face interactions stressful and overstimulating.

I was pushing myself to the point of sickness trying to keep up with the social demands of my busy work place. The things that most people find rewarding, busy events and parties, are not fun to me. I don’t want to go out and drink and I don’t feel relaxed around my coworkers.

All that fun was not in the job description and it was taking a toll on me.

Happy hours, networking events, international travel, restaurant openings, celebrities, private screenings of movies that the public can’t see yet – my job is pretty amazing.

The truth is, I rather not have all the extra perks that my job “offers”. I’ve learned that the politics are complex and if you don’t attend certain things your boss feels like you are ungrateful. I try to attend the very minimum, but even that is pushing it for me.

I am surviving in energy conservation mode. I have no social life other than the one my office creates.

I’ve stopped hanging out with my real friends because at the end of the work week I am dead. I have no energy or desire to socialize, burnt up and spent, nothing left for the people who matter most to me.

But I am living the dream right? I have my dream job and it seems to be killing me.

I need more down time than most people, and the more social I am the more down time I need. It is hard for someone running on spoons to have a full time job, but quitting is never my option.

I have gratitude for my job, because TOO many Aspies are unemployed. I am thankful every day for my very difficult and exciting job – even on the worst days.

Remrov’s World of Autism – Talks about Being a Real Person

Be yourself. Why would you want to blend in when you were born to stand out?

I’ve never been more miserable and insecure than I was when I was trying to fit in with the rest of the world.

Accepting myself and not letting my light be hidden or moved by those who don’t understand me has changed my world.

Have self compassion and get to know and love the real you. Don’t let others ever make you feel bad about being real.

It doesn’t matter what other people think of you.

Always do your best with honest intentions and nothing else matters.

I am a fan of the Remrov’s World of Autism channel on YouTube. It is exciting to see someone so expressive and honest speaking out about the issues that we Aspies face. Please check out Remrov’s World of Autism for more great content and subscribe to the YouTube channel so you don’t miss a video.

The Meltdown

Sometimes it creeps on slowly

I see it coming hours in advance

Other days it hits me like a freight train

I feel like I am always holding off The Beast

Swimming through mental sludge

My head is pounding and my eyes burn

Out in the world I am unprotected

I need to find a private space

Being alone is the only cure

Finally I am home

Worn down and empty

I find myself in bed early

Rolled tightly in blankets

Soothed by darkness

Maybe if I sleep the monster will leave

Sometimes rest is all I need

There are days where nothing can save me

When all my senses begin to run together

Sounds and sights become dizzying sensations

I cannot move but I must

The room is spinning so fast

I make it to the bathroom just in time

as motion sickness overtakes me

I am paralyzed by an indescribable pain

My body and mind stop working together

Getting back to my bed is challenging

So I stay on the floor in my bathroom

Curled into a tight ball

Hiding under a pile of towels

Thinking is impossible

Nothing works

The monster is in control

Total meltdown

Pain and confusion

The Monster has me

Nothing left to do but wait it out

A poem about an Autistic Meltdown.

 

10 Things I Struggle With Aspergers – Anna Moomin

Anna Moomin shared 10 things that she struggles with as an Aspie. I am going to share 5 of my own and as a bonus I’m throwing in another video she put up – Things I Like About Having Aspergers because both videos were just SO good.

Also I don’t like to focus exclusively on the negative.

5 Struggles I Have as an Autistic Person

Lighting / Florescent lights – I need natural light and like to sit in the dark. Lighting is my NUMBER one trigger for sensory overload.

Sounds – especially sounds that have movement. When sounds have movement I see and feel the movement inside of me. It is hard to explain but it drives me crazy and gives me motion sickness.

Alcohol – I used to drink at social events to help calm my nerves but my sensory issues made me stop. Drunk me has no filter and throws up from motion sickness. I don’t drink because I can’t.

Surprises / Changes to my Routine or Plans – I can handle happy surprises if I really like the surprise but even neutral changes / surprises can cause me to panic. It is an irrational reaction and I can’t help it. Predictability and routine are relaxing to me.

Conversations – They are a LOT of work for me ESPECIALLY with people who I don’t know well. If I spend an hour talking to my boss in a meeting I will feel worn out for the remainder of the day – and that is a one on one.

What she says about feeling hung over from socializing / talking to people is NOT an exaggeration. I really wish it was. That is burnout.

Spending too much time around my triggers can cause me to feel very sick (Autistic Burnout) – like Anna said a LOT like a hangover or a flu. I get run down and feel horrible.

Recharging My Batteries

In order to recover from the normal daily tasks I have to recharge. If I don’t get alone time I cannot recharge. It is very hard for me to have friends because having a full time job takes away all my energy and I have nothing left for personal relationships.

People do tend to take things personally when you are always turning them down. They don’t understand that I can want to be somewhere and still have to decline.

Anna Moomin has a GREAT YouTube channel. She has a lot to share and does a great job verbalizing her thoughts. Please subscribe to her channel for more great videos. I can take NO credit for her content.

Things I Like About Having Asperger’s

 

Life with Aspergers: Burnout

Some of my readers may remember that I mentioned not too long ago that I was going through an Autistic Burnout (sometimes called Autistic Regression).  Burnout is hard to cope with and it feels like your life is falling apart.

For some women Autistic Burnout may be what eventually leads them to a late life diagnosis. Psychologists like to call it a depression or say we are depressed and I see why they say that but I think they misunderstand the cause.

My burnout came from “passing” and faking it and than I fell apart when my efforts to blend in were failing despite putting in all my energy.

There seems to be a link to passing and burnout. Maybe it is just the amount of energy passing takes or maybe there is more to it. I would love to learn more about the connection.

This is also why I am so opposed to the “High Functioning” and “Low Functioning” labels. I am “High Functioning” but if I am going through burnout – I can tell you that I am VERY low functioning at that point.

My functioning ability varies from day to day. I can be high, low, and everything in between.

These are not the things that I admit to most people, even those closest to me, but I can relate to every single thing OriginalRetrophiliac has to say in her emotional video about dealing with Autistic Burnout.

I can take NO credit for OriginalRetrophiliac‘s content. Please subscribe to her channel on YouTube for more great videos.

Am I Ready for an Autism Diagnosis?

One of the most common emails I get from readers revolves around one question. People reach out to me asking, “should I get my child diagnosed?” or “should I get diagnosed?”

Unfortunately I can not answer that question.

The decision to seek out an Autism diagnosis is a very personal one and you must search inside yourself and look at your own personal circumstances to decide if getting diagnosed is right for you.

Just because you are not ready to get diagnosed today does not mean you will not be ready to get diagnosed in the future.

I am diagnosed because getting a diagnosis eventually was right for me, but when I first discovered my Autism I was not ready to be diagnosed right away.

At first I was in denial and did not understand Autism. I was not ready to talk to a psychologist because I was still lying to myself that my symptoms were non existent or that there was some other explanation for them. Autism seemed so final I was not ready to accept it.

When I started to think about diagnosis I quickly realized that there was a very limited pool of doctors who were qualified or even had experience with adult women. None of the adult Autism doctors I found took insurance. If you do not live in or near a big city you may be taking a long drive to see a doctor.

Getting an adult Autism diagnosis can be expensive. I’ve had people tell me they paid out of pocket $800-$5000 to get diagnosed. Because a lot of the Autism specialists are out of network, insurance companies will often leave you with the fees.

Before I started reading about Autism and talking to other Aspies I had a hard time describing the feelings and things that were going on inside my body. Reading about Autism was like unlocking a key that let me start talking (mostly typing) about what has been going on inside me my entire life.

I have alexithymia. It is part of my Autism that makes it hard to describe my Autism. I have had to teach myself to describe my feelings because if I don’t consciously ask myself how I feel – I don’t know.  Before I started asking myself this question I never would have been able to explain what I was feeling because people always told me how I was feeling growing up.

People told me the wrong things about my feeling sometimes and because of my alexithymia I believed them. Because of this some of my feelings and emotions got confused. I needed to untangle this mess before I could accurately talk to a psychologist about my Autism.

Once I had finally straightened all of those things out I felt like I was ready for an Autism diagnosis.

I journal a lot and that has helped me tremendously in life. People with alexithymia should write. It helps us work out our feelings.

I took a 10 page paper to my psychologist explaining my life story without using any of the Autism terminology. (Doctors seem to be put off by laypeople who sound too scientific. They think we are up to something when we use big words.)

The doctor tested me and I answered her questions honestly. I was extremely nervous the entire time – afraid she would come back with a wrong diagnosis.

After our first meeting I had time to think on her questions and sent her another five page paper further explaining things I could not express face to face.

The way she had asked about stimming had confused me and I had under expressed how much stimming I actually do. (I need questions asked the correct way or I get confused sometimes.)

If you can get your doctor’s email address or bring in typed papers I would STRONGLY recommend doing so. Because I take in information and do not process it right away, sometimes on the spot conversations are impossible. I made a point to mention this to my doctor.

Tell your doctor EVERYTHING that you have trouble with. Make a list.

Autistic burnout (sometimes called Autistic Regression) is a real thing. All of the sudden all of my childhood sensory symptoms were back and worse than ever. It seems like stress and change can have a huge impact on this.

In the end getting a diagnosis was right for me when I started having trouble coping with the real world.

My diagnosis protects me from liability if I ever have a meltdown in public or have sensory problems that cause confusion. It lets me ask for small accommodations at work – like sitting in a quiet spot with natural light.

Now that I am diagnosed I can ask for things – small things that were refused before – and people are supped to give them to me.

I won’t ask for much. I don’t want to take advantage or draw extra attention. More than anything I just want to be comfortable in a world that was not built for me.