Category Archives: neurodiversity

Misunderstandings

So many misunderstandings.

People read too much into meaningless things.

If I don’t look at you when you speak

you assume I’m not listening.

When my body language

doesn’t do what you’d expect

or when I laugh in the wrong moment.

If I say something using the wrong tone

you may think I’m rude.

If I cannot speak

I must be hiding something.

Over and over,

we confuse each other.

When I take something you say literally,

or my brain skips hearing words as you say them.

Sometimes I need time to process.

If I don’t get it

we’ll both stay confused.

Sometimes I can’t explain myself.

Please trust me.

Sometimes I process things on a delay.

Maybe we can talk about it another day – maybe not.

I’m not ignoring you or trying to

leave you hanging.

If I look confused, I probably am.

Give me time to figure things out on my own.

Don’t treat me like a child.

It’s only

a misunderstanding.

A poem about Autism and misunderstandings. Being Autistic sometimes feels like nobody understands you. Other times you know instantly that some misunderstanding has occurred.

Autistic Confessions – I Just Want to Be Alone – The Stigma of Solitude

I love being alone. In fact, like most introverts, I need to be alone in order to recharge my batteries.

The difference between me and most introverts is that they still “need” or “crave” social activities and being around other people. I simply don’t and never have.

Always alone, when I was young and through my teen years (and even part of my adult-hood) people made me feel like my tendency towards solitude was pathological. I remember my parents and grandparents trying to force me to go out with friends / leave the house.

They forced e so hard, insisting that I make friends or be lonely, but I had almost no friends.

I’ve always had a pattern of only having one friend at a time and hanging out in groups has never been fun for me. Having more than one or two friends is still very difficult for me.

Your whole life people tell you you will be lonely if you don’t have friends but I feel most alone when I am around the wrong people or even worse too many people. I never feel alone when I am on my own working on something I am passionate about.

To be perfectly honest sometimes I feel more affection towards my projects than for most people. I am very task driven and calculated. People often take my seriousness for coldness. The few who know me well know me as funny and warm.

One on one interactions are great if they are with the right person.  I can even do groups of up to three people if I keep the interactions short. More people needs to equal a shorter interaction for me.

Also, I am not opposed to meaningful conversations. The minute people start talking about pop culture and other mindless garbage my mind wanders. I am off in my own head until something brings me back to reality.

Neurotypicals or “normal people” take for granted things that are a LOT of work for me. Simple things, like figuring out when it’s your turn to talk. Despite focusing almost ALL my brain power on timing in conversations STILL I manage to mess this up every time.

Even when I am having a great time being social, my brain wears down fast when I have to focus on conversations. It is real work for me. The more conversations and the more people at a gathering the faster I drain out.

I’ve heard the clever term social hangover. For me this is a very accurate description.

By the time I am done with a 2 hour hangout with 4 people I am feeling dead and drained. It takes me a full day to recover from most social interactions. Add more people or more hours and I need even more time to recharge.

I can only handle one or two of these a month or I start to have an increased frequency of indigestion and meltdowns.

When my job started having one or two social things a month I stopped hanging out with the few friends I had. The truth is now all my social energy is spent on coworkers who I don’t relate to – because I am trying my hardest to “play the game.”

I turn down as many office happy hours as I can, but still feel like I don’t attend as many as they want me to.

Social politics in the work place are hard on us Aspies but we can’t escape them. If we want to succeed in an office we have to learn the patterns and unspoken rules (I hate unspoken rules – I like CLEAR rules).

If we can’t figure out the mysteries of the office we have to make our own way somehow or risk being stuck in a career that doesn’t fulfill. We are often under paid and under appreciated in the work place because we don’t kiss ass and “play the games” that our neurotypical peers do.

Without these skills we are at a disadvantage. There is pressure to fit in.

My hyper-social coworkers who like to go out several nights a week think being out and social is normal but for me a night at home is more acceptable. I am “antisocial” a “recluse” “book worm” and “introvert”. So many titles.

Why does wanting to stay in even need a title? Why does society shun the loner? There is nothing wrong with me wanting to spend most of my time alone. If I am truly happy what is the problem?

Its time we break the stigma on solitude.

 

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic #AnonymouslyAutistic #InvisibleAutism

Why I’ll Always be Anonymously Autistic – The Unicorn Theory

Sometimes Aspies are caught off by my blog’s title. People ask me if I am Anonymously Autistic because I am ashamed of my Autism. My long time readers know me better than than that, but some of you are new. Welcome, please allow me to explain.

I started this blog anonymously because I love my privacy, not out of a shame for my Autism.

In fact, I quickly realized that I needed to share so others could see Autism from my perspective. Some days suck, but over all I love my life and would never want to be “normal” or Neurotypical.

I generally keep to myself with personal things. Speaking about matters of the heart has never been easy for me, so I don’t. This blog became a place where I do something completely out of character – share my feelings.

For me, it is easier if the people around me don’t know my feelings or else they may ask me about them and I would be forced into unwanted conversations. I enjoy talking about my passions and other matters, but my feelings and emotions have always been sacred to me in a way.

The more I write the more confident I get in speaking about Autism. Most of my problems come from when ever I share. I hide my emotions and keep things to myself. People don’t get to know me and don’t see my Autism.

Always calm and composed (because I always run away and hide before I fall apart). It looks like I’ve got it in control. Nobody ever sees me struggle.

People say these things in the nicest ways, they have NO idea how much their words hurt or how wrong they are.

“You’re not really Autistic right? It’s a misdiagnosis?”

“Asperger’s? You are too nice you definitely don’t have that! I can’t believe it.”

“Are you sure? Have you gotten a second opinion?”

“You are NOT Autistic.”

“There is nothing wrong with you. I think you are great!”

“We’re all a little different.”

Or when you ask for accommodations for sensory troubles.

“Everyone likes natural light. Its not fair to give you special treatment.”

“I know you said you wanted to meet in a quiet space, but I think you will love this bar.”

“It’s not that bad. Look everyone else is having fun.”

“I think you can do it, if you try harder.”

“Don’t make excuses.”

Worse is when they say nothing at all. When you say something they give you a look. Doubt. I recognize it now that I’ve seen it over and over again.

The face people make when they think you are telling them a decelerate lie.  It is a look that stops me cold in my tracks and is the reason I’ve stopped mentioning my Autism in face to face conversations laity.

I have a theory that if people saw a unicorn in a field of horses they would mistake it for a white horse, because they do not believe unicorns exist.

I am feeling a bit like that unicorn. People can’t see me because they don’t know that Aspies like me are out there.

A unicorn, something that challenges their beliefs. I am right in their faces and they can’t even see me.

 

#InvisibleAutism #ActuallyAutistic #AnonymouslyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic

Letter to My Younger Self

Dear Me, so bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Wild child, who can’t sit still, full of joy bouncing off the walls. Yes you are strange, but please don’t fear your uniqueness. Be you, don’t grow bitter.Stay strange and amazing.

You have so much potential. Yes, your mother is right you are smart. Stop believing when people tell you otherwise.

It’s okay that you don’t need people. That makes you independent NOT defective. You are not cold and robotic you are calm and logical. Yes you do things differently but some day this will be your strength.

The people who picked on you never made it far in life. It was them not you who had the problem. Bullies are insecure and often suffer on the inside, lashing out to make themselves feel bigger. Don’t be like them. Stay kind.

Silly girl, who talks to the animals and trees. Never stop. Don’t worry about what other people think of you. You are perfect just the way you are.

 

With deepest love,

-Me

Medical Cannabis & Autism – You Asked My Opinion (The Blog I’ve Been Avoiding)

Over the past year that I’ve had my blog people have been emailing asking for my opinion on the use of cannabis or marijuana as a possible treatment for Autism.

To be perfectly honest with you, all of my readers, I have been avoiding this topic.

Here is why – I don’t have first hand experience with this so I don’t feel like an authority on the subject. I don’t live in a state that allows Autism to be listed as a qualifying medical condition so this option is not available to me. I need to write about what I know and I don’t know enough about this.

What I would like to share is that parents have reached out to me to let me know that they have had some amazing results. Other parents email to ask if I know about this treatment but all I can say is this – I am not a doctor and cannot give medical advice.

So once again, I am not a doctor and can not give medical advice so please do not take anything I say as such.

If you want my opinion on medical marijuana and Autism all you have to do is search “cannabis autism” on YouTube.

Watch the videos, especially the ones with severely affected Autistic children.

If you can not stop crying while watching those videos than you know exactly my position on this issue.

I am deeply troubled that there might be people missing out on one thing that might help ease extreme suffering, especially when many drastic things have already been tried.

Those videos may hook you in and after that you may find yourself watching the videos about medical cannabis and seizures. I can’t watch these videos either because I know many children with severe seizure disorders, who are not helped by mainstream medications, die at a young age.

I am also saddened by medical refugees and people stuck without access.

I can’t watch these videos any more. The truth in them is so penetrating that it makes me physically ill. People say Autistic people don’t feel things but as an adult I feel them more deeply than a lot of people. It is beautiful and painful all at the same time.

That is my opinion on medical cannabis for Autism – I am heart broken.

Heart broken about all the suffering that’s happened over the years in relation to this plant for no good reason. People are sick, dying, in prison, families torn apart. There has to be a better answer.

Can I advocate for medical marijuana as an Autism treatment? I don’t know. I am not a scientist or a doctor.

What I can advocate is everyone doing their own independent research. There is still a lot we do not know about this plant. One thing I can say is it doesn’t seem to be as dangerous as people wanted us to believe back when they made it illegal.

I know cigarettes kill people and alcohol is much worse but is a big part of our culture.

Just facts. That’s all I’ve got since I can’t make this one more personal.

Taking The Easy Route – A Poem About Invisible Illness

How dare you say I’m taking the easy route

When you have no idea what I’m going through

You tell me I’m not trying

But this is all I’ve got

Sometimes just doing normal things

Takes up all my energy

There are days when normal life experiences

Make me physically ill

Work a little harder you say

I keep pushing

Pushing myself to exhaustion

Just trying to keep up

You’re not stupid – you say

Trying to pay me a compliment

Look it’s not that hard

This is all you do

But for me it is difficult

You make these things look easy

and can’t understand why I can’t

So you say I’m taking the easy way

Because life’s so hard I will take a break

Where I can get one

Always looking for the easy way out

Poems about Autism & Invisible Illness. These are the one sided conversations in my head. Things I never say face to face – because most things process on a delay. In the moment I often know I am upset but not exactly why. It is frustrating.

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic #InvisibleAustim #AnonymouslyAutistic

Autistic Confessions – I Literally Don’t Know How to “Talk” About My Autism (but I CAN Write it)

It is beyond frustrating that every single time I try to talk to someone in a face to face conversation about Autism and how it applies to me I am unable to make a clear point. What drives me crazy is if I am alone in a room I can easily type something up. Does this happen to anyone else?

People being near me scatters my brain unless I can tune them out – even people I like but it is WORSE with strangers.

This doesn’t just happen with Autism it also happens to other topics that I could write books about. I try to explain something to someone and  can tell they are completely lost.  Asking if I can send them an email later will raise an eyebrow. What is an Aspie with verbal communication impairments to do?

Oh – tell my readers!

What IS this? Do you experience it?

 

With love and curiosity,

Anonymously Autistic

“Anna”

Don’t Make Me Speak – A Poem

Don’t make me speak

When I’m not ready

Sometimes the words won’t come out

From time to time my mind goes blank

Even more frustrating are silent times

Where I am screaming on the inside

But my mouth will not move

If I try to force the words

I may be lucky to get something out

Although these forced phrases

Are never what I hope they will be

Everything inside me is pounding

As I try to find something to say

The more I try to speak

The further away my words slip

Eventually I may storm off

Or begin to cry

It is painful and disorienting

When I try to force them

There is a panic

If I try to push through

When I don’t accept

What is happening to me

Please don’t mistake my silence for disrespect

Don’t make me speak

Give me time and patience

When I am kind to myself

Eventually the words return on their own

A poem about not being able to speak and anxiety.

Diagnostic Criteria for Neurotypical Spectrum Disorder

Are you or is someone you know hyper social? It could be Neurotypical Spectrum Disorder.Read below to find out more and follow #NTDiagnosis

Neurotypical Spectrum Disorder           999.00 (F97.0)

Diagnostic Criteria

A.      Persistent over-activity in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts.

1.       Insistence on social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from constant social approach and early adaptation of back-and-forth conversation; to encourage sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to a constant seeking to initiate or respond in social interactions.

2.       Over awareness of nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to eye contact and body language or overestimation in understanding and use of gestures.

3.       Early onset in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from ease adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; may engage in sharing imaginative play, easily make friends without assistance. Also may show an over interest in peers.

Specify current severity:

Severity is based on social communication impairments and restricted repetitive patterns of behavior (see Table 2).

B.      Enjoys a wide range of interests, or activities, with a difficulty focusing on one task through completion, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):

1.       Lack of repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g., simple motor stereotypies, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases).

2.       Insistence on variance and flexibility, dislike of routines, or ritualized patterns or verbal nonverbal behavior (e.g., no distress at small changes, ease with transitions, lose thinking patterns, aversion to rituals, need to take new route or eat different food every day).

3.       Highly flexible, fluid interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g, weak attachment to or preoccupation with others and socializing).

4.       Hyporeactivity to sensory input or lack of interests in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g., apparent indifference to pain/temperature, indifferent response to nature, specific sounds or textures, lack of interest in smelling or touching of objects, shows no visual fascination with lights or movement).

Specify current severity:

Severity is based excursiveness of of social communication and fluid, overly flexible patterns of behavior (see Table 2).

C.      Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until demands exceed limited capacities, or may be masked by learned strategies in later life).

D.      Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.

E.       These disturbances are not better explained by other disabilities or illnesses.

Note: Individuals with a well-established DSM-VIII diagnosis of Communitive disorder, Socialem’s disorder, or other hyper-social disorder not otherwise specified should be given the diagnosis of Neurotypical spectrum disorder.

 

 

How would an Aspie diagnose a “Neurotypical” person if the tables were turned. Just for fun. I hope this peace bring thoughts and a smile. It is not intended to be offensive in any way.

With Love,

“Anna”

I Want to Encourage Everyone to Write

Writing is therapy and can be a key to better self understanding. We all have stories to tell and lessons learned. When we share we give others the opportunity to learn.

Write – even if you never share your world with anyone.

Pour your soul out onto the pages (digital or hand written). Let your thoughts come to life. Often I am surprised at what comes out when I am behind a keyboard. There is a flow when I am comfortable and relaxed.

In face to face interactions I am not nearly as eloquent. Sometimes I am just struggling to keep pace with a conversation – my brain tends to save information to process later. This is inefficient when speaking to people. By the time I am ready to contribute often the topic has already been changed.

My social differences are often misunderstood by my peers. I don’t need to look at people when they are talking to me – and listen best if I don’t try to. People often think I am rude, daydreaming, or not paying attention. They don’t understand that my brain works differently.

I started this blog out of frustration. When everywhere I go everyone misunderstands or underestimates me. If I tell people I am Autistic they say things like “you seem to have grown out of it” or “you don’t seem autistic”.

The picture they have of Autism is one that was sold in movies and on the internet.

It is a boy who cannot speak, an adult who may never live on their own, or someone who bangs their head against walls (I do this but not hard enough to hurt much).

An attractive woman who appears to have it all together is NOT what they imagine when you say “Autism” and they can’t easily adjust the pictures in their minds.

Neurotypicals tend to have more of a “hive mind” than Aspies do. They tend to follow popular opinions and are often hesitant to stray from what is considered “common knowledge”.

I can only see one fix for this problem – change what is “common knowledge”.

Aspies are wired to be individuals we don’t care about what others think – unless we are taught to care what others think (then we can become overly eager to please). We tend to be very analytical – sometime to the point of over analyzing.

Many of us thrive in solitude and are often accused of being “antisocial” and other negative terms.

People have a hard time accepting what they don’t understand. That is why it is so important that we all share our stories. Everyone has a story to tell.

Do something with yours – even if it is all you’ve got. Maybe you will change the world.

 

#SheCantBeAutistic #ActuallyAutistic #AnonymouslyAutistic #InvisibleAutism