Category Archives: Poetry

My Mind Plays Tricks On Me

Our minds are always playing tricks on us.

My mind plays tricks on me.

I get stuck cleaning the house.

Sometimes I can’t stop as I must reach every single corner.

I spend so much time cleaning

that I normally only have one or two clean rooms at a time.

My brain second (3rd and 4th) guesses everything I do.

Did I water the dog?

Did I lock the door?

Did I grab my phone (as I’m holding it my hand).

I constantly find myself turning off the inner monologue.

Sometimes I do forget things

because I refuse

to listen to the nagging.

It’s a trap waiting to suck me in and I can’t let it.

Always forcing myself to think about other things.

Sing along to the song on the radio.

Put on an audio book.

Do something.

Stop.

My brain is funny.

It can also play pleasant tricks on me.

I have joy when I am fortunate enough to have my lucky number.

Even if I know there is nothing special about numbers.

Technically they don’t even exist.

My brain craves perfection,

out of reach and

impossible.

My mind is extremely logical.

I call bull shit on myself all the time.

When I am careful and pay attention the patterns are obvious.

Some thoughts are irrational and silly.

With my little rituals,

I am safe.

My Meltdown – A Poem – Guest Blog

This poem comes from a long term reader, fellow blogger, and dear friend. I am honored to share with you a work by the one and only Allison M. Kramer of the Through 1 Filter  blog.

Thank you for sharing such an intimate moment. People need to understand meltdowns. These conversations are important.

 

My meltdown is

Echoed in my screaming
Adrenaline is racing like napalm through my veins
Moro reflex punching my gut over and over
Reliving the sensory overload on a loop

I’m drowning without being in water
and I have to go to bed for 2 days

Sometimes it brings red and blue flashing lights on a squad car 
Handcuffs chewing into my wrists
Lots of shouting and grabbing
Strapped to a backboard while my skin turns purple and black

Locked up, drugged up
Being punished for something I cannot control
It isn’t a conscience choice I’ve made
To disrupt my life or yours

It so happened that
A dog was barking-
A child was screaming-
Someone set off a firecracker-
And I couldn’t process the information fast enough
To remain in control of my executive functioning

The threat of sensory overload
hangs pregnant, like a cumulonimbus cloud

I need a safe place and safe people- now and until I die
To successfully process what life heaps upon me

Will you help me to make this a reality? I cannot do it alone, behind a computer detached from any notion of community. I don’t want my life story to end in a jail cell, nursing home or alley. 

 

Allison M. Kramer
Author:Through 1 Filter

 

 

Taking The Easy Route – A Poem About Invisible Illness

How dare you say I’m taking the easy route

When you have no idea what I’m going through

You tell me I’m not trying

But this is all I’ve got

Sometimes just doing normal things

Takes up all my energy

There are days when normal life experiences

Make me physically ill

Work a little harder you say

I keep pushing

Pushing myself to exhaustion

Just trying to keep up

You’re not stupid – you say

Trying to pay me a compliment

Look it’s not that hard

This is all you do

But for me it is difficult

You make these things look easy

and can’t understand why I can’t

So you say I’m taking the easy way

Because life’s so hard I will take a break

Where I can get one

Always looking for the easy way out

Poems about Autism & Invisible Illness. These are the one sided conversations in my head. Things I never say face to face – because most things process on a delay. In the moment I often know I am upset but not exactly why. It is frustrating.

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic #InvisibleAustim #AnonymouslyAutistic

Don’t Make Me Speak – A Poem

Don’t make me speak

When I’m not ready

Sometimes the words won’t come out

From time to time my mind goes blank

Even more frustrating are silent times

Where I am screaming on the inside

But my mouth will not move

If I try to force the words

I may be lucky to get something out

Although these forced phrases

Are never what I hope they will be

Everything inside me is pounding

As I try to find something to say

The more I try to speak

The further away my words slip

Eventually I may storm off

Or begin to cry

It is painful and disorienting

When I try to force them

There is a panic

If I try to push through

When I don’t accept

What is happening to me

Please don’t mistake my silence for disrespect

Don’t make me speak

Give me time and patience

When I am kind to myself

Eventually the words return on their own

A poem about not being able to speak and anxiety.

Oops – I’ve Lost Another Friend

Oops I’ve lost another friend

I thought that we were close

But you’ve got needs

that I can’t fill

You want more from me than I can give

I leave you feeling empty

You tell me friends hang out more

When my social anxiety gets the best of me

and I would cancel

at first you calmed to understand

Eventually you got tired of waiting

telling me you wanted more

I know now

and it breaks my heart

that I must let you go

Goodbye my friend of many years

My friend who cannot understand

I hate to see you go

and will miss you when you’re gone

but your no good for me

when you hurt me so

your words cut deep

we cannot repair

I’m afraid you’ve got to go

A poem about losing friends.

Being Autistic has made it more difficult for me to make friends. I don’t bond with everyone but deeply care about the friends I have. Loosing a friendship is like burying a friend.

It is a great and painful loss but if the relationship is not mutually beneficial than I can see no point.

I have Social Anxiety Disorder – sometimes I cancel plans but it doesn’t mean I did not want to hang out. My fiends feel unwanted and one by one most of them have drifted away.

People don’t understand and I can’t blame them for that – doesn’t mean it does not sting whenever it happens.

 

Stop Being Autistic – Stop Being You

Don’t ask me to stop acting Autistic.

I would never ask you to stop being you.

Why can’t you be you and I be me?

You and I are not the same.

I march to my own beat but so do you.

We all do.

Everybody’s different.

No two people are the same.

Misunderstandings and mistakes.

Misspoken words and broken hearts.

Stop being so Autistic!

You are not good enough the way you are.

Why can’t you just be normal?

If only you would try a little harder.

Is that really the best you can do?

You’re too smart for this.

I don’t understand why you keep making the same mistakes.

Slow down.

Be more careful.

Watch what you are doing.

You are so careless.

Stop being so Autistic.

Stop being you.

 

A poem about passing.

 

#SheCantBeAutistic

#ActuallyAutistic

#InvisibleAutism

#InvisibleDisability

A Poem About Sensory Overload / Sensory Meltdown

Squinting in the light

Ticking Clocks

The world is so bright

Everything hums

Shiny daylight fixtures

Killing me slowly

Eyes and brain aching

Stomach turns

I’m not faking

Sounds you can’t hear

Driving me crazy

Can’t tune it out

Can’t make it stop

I close my eyes and rock

Counting to ten

Breathing deeply

Desperately grasping

Trying to hold it in

Looking for a place to hide

The world is spinning

I can’t escape

Hot tears burst

My body burns

Nobody can help me

Let me be

Do not touch me

I need to breathe

Once started

This pain must run its course

Before I sleep

A poem inspired by Sensory Overload / Sensory Meltdowns / Autistic Meltdowns / Sensory Processing Disorder

Invisible Autism – Invisible Disabilities

I am Autistic

My Autism is invisible

It is hiding on the inside

Things in my mind

I do not share

When I cover my ears

and I bow my head.

Sometimes the world is so loud

I can not breathe

Suffocating in the sound

I hold myself tight

Trying to rock away the pain

For a moment I am visible

Did anybody notice?

My eyes dart around the room

Distracted people

My pain is hidden

I remain invisible

A poem inspired by Invisible Illness Awareness week

#ThisIsChronicIllness #InvisibleIllness #InvisibleAutism #ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic

#ActuallyAutistic

A poem inspired by the #ActuallyAutistic and #SheCantBeAutistic hashtags that I keep seeing all over the place this week.

#ActuallyAutistic

You are a bit awkward aren’t you?

Actually, I am Autistic.

Autistic? You seem normal to me.

You can’t see Autism.

But you seem so intelligent.

Lots of Autistic people are smart.

You just need to practice socializing more.

I am already doing my best.

Autistic people can’t sit still.

We can, but it is hard and takes more concentration.

You must be high functioning.

Today I am, but sometimes I’m not.

Are you just looking for attention?

No, actually I prefer to be left alone.

You don’t look Autistic.

Actually I’m Autistic.

The natural rhythm of stimming: Erin Clemens at TEDxWestChester – Everybody Stims

Wow! I am just floored but this AMAZING performance! WAY TO GO!

I wish I had the text to go along with this poem to paste below but I have a hard time transcribing things word for word and do not want to mangle her beautiful poem!

Everybody stims – not just you and me. 😉

An amazing poem about Autism and Stimming  The natural rhythm of stimming: Erin Clemens at TEDxWestChester via TEDx Talks

Link to video HERE.