Tag Archives: ASD

Don’t Domesticate Me

I don’t want to be domesticated.

Chained to a home and a mortgage.

Having a job is a necessary evil,

although I am painfully aware

many WISH for the chance to work.

The endless cycle.

Work.

Work to pay for the house.

Work to pay for the things.

The house you cant enjoy

and the tings you don’t really need.

Spend all your time working.

Living just to work.

Careers don’t suit me.

I walk to my own beat.

Walking alone, quiet, with nature.

Walking for hours by the stream.

Someplace comfortable and calm

Maybe one day there will be time.

When I no longer have to work.

Autistic Confessions – Feeling Stuck – Running Away

There are times when my anxiety takes over, these are the days when I feel stuck. There is so much to do and too many things depending on me. Looking around at the mass before me, my life seems completely overwhelming.

There is too much to do, where do I even start? I am so stuck.

I get lost, perfectionism takes over, or my inspiration simply vanishes. Being productive becomes impossible but in not being productive I am only making my life worse. The endless loop of chores and work bury me alive and I can’t get out.

Drowning in all of it. Adulthood, responsibilities, work, family, people who depend on you. Some days I just want to run, run away. Maybe if I run far enough, if disappear without a word in the night, I will escape my troubles.

I want to be invisible.

What troubles would I leave behind? So much suffering for the people who love me, who need me. Still I fantasize about starting over, vanishing without a trace.

Too Many Faces

I realize that I haven’t really spoken about something that has a huge impact in my life. Its something a lot of us take for granted. Most people look at a face and know what it means but when I look at faces I am most often confused.

I can’t remember people’s faces so I try to pick one very distinctive feature and try to remember that. If they change the feature I choose then I am out of luck. This was often questioned when I needed to describe shoplifters in a convenience store I worked in when I was younger.

In addition to my inability to recognize people out of context I also have a hard time reading the intentions or feelings of the faces in front of me. Of course there are certain emotions that are easy, even for me, to recognize.

If someone has a huge smile with teeth they are generally happy. A crying person is obviously sad. Those emotions are easy and universal but everything in between is a mystery.

There are ways around this. If I am around someone long enough eventually (after years of practice) I can start to learn them enough to read more of their face. It is a lot of work and I don’t have that much time with most people.

Something people take for granted. I just feel like there are too may faces and my brain doesn’t want to take up useful space storing them. For me it is a lot of work and is NOT an efficient use of my time.

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic #InvisibleAutism #AnonymouslyAutistic

Autistic Confessions – Email Anxiety

To my beloved readers, I feel I must confess something that a few of you may have noticed – I have email anxiety and I haven’t checked my email in weeks.

With work emails it is almost easier because I have to answer them or there will be a consequence but sometimes I open my personal in-box, see more than 2 or 3 emails and immediately close the browser because “I just can’t.”

It seems like a huge task, one that requires focus.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed just trying to figure out where to start that I cant. Then I have guilt. Guilt for not responding to my readers and friends in a timely fashion. In addition to the guilt there is the nagging that something in one of those emails might be important.

After a few hours, or a day or two, the shock wears off and I log back in to read an email or two (no guarantee if I will respond unless something is urgent). Most of the time I will shoot back a quick response if I open a short email but sometimes a long email will send me back to the little gray “X” on the top right of my screen.

At that time the entire cycle starts over. Some days I may only respond to one email – or none at all. It’s like I’m waiting for the perfect circumstances to arise so I can read and respond to email – but very rarely does my mind cooperate.

The worst part is I realize it would be better if I just forced myself to get them out of the way – so I can stop obsessing over my unread emails. Maybe I should go check my email.

 

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic #InvisibleAutism #OCD

 

Please Read Autistic Perspectives This Autism Awareness / Acceptance Month

As you may or may not know April is Autism Acceptance / Awareness Month and this year I am putting out a plea that everyone read, share, and encourage anyone talking about Autism to read blogs, watch videos, and learn from actual Autistic people – not big organizations like Autism Speaks.

If you are an Autistic person with something to day, or anyone with something positive to say, I would like to encourage you to write, share your experiences, and be a light of truth in the world. We need more Autistics Speaking and less Autism Speaks (and other organizations about Autism run by Neurotypical people) speaking about Autism.

Finally, thanks to the internet, many of us can no speak (I use that term loosely since some of us prefer to type) for ourselves and it’s time to speak up (and share). If you can’t share publicly, I’ve found anonymous blogging amazing.

Support the online Autism community. Share and connect with other Autistic bloggers – remember some of them may have social anxiety and may not want to meet face to face. It feels good knowing that you are not alone.

Remember there are many diagnosed Autistic people in the world, waiting to be woken up. Many of us did NOT understand Autism until we read the words of other Autistic people. Some day when you google Autism, I dream the works of actual Autistic people will appear on top.

People know about Autism but they don’t understand what it really is or Autistic people.

If you want to learn about Autism, why not go straight to the source? – an Autistic person.

 

#ActuallyAutistic #AutismAwareness #AutismAcceptance #SheCantBeAutistic

Autistic Confessions – I Hate Phone Calls

Phone calls have always given me anxiety but did not know why until I really looked at myself. For many years all I knew was being on the phone, unless with someone I am close with, caused me great stress. I hated talking on the phone, something most girls love, but why?

Since my Autism diagnosis many little truths about myself keep popping up. Little things that were always funny are starting to make complete sense. I see myself and my actions through a new light and spend a lot of time really digging into my motivations and the reasons behind my anxiety.

I get anxious on the phone because I have a verbal communication impairment. I have hyperlexia which means that my comprehension for reading, writing and typing far exceeds my verbal comprehension. People who are used to corresponding with me via email would never guess this. On the phone (and in face to face conversations) I am often confused.

I also have Sensory Processing Disorder. People are hard to hear over the phone and when you add ears that don’t filter out any background noise things can be impossible.

Phone calls confuse me because I miss  a lot of details because my brain can’t keep up. Because I am Autistic my face to face communication is impaired.

Also people tend to talk faster on the phone and don’t like when you pause to think about your words – because they think you hung up. However, I need time to think before I speak. The entire thing is very stressful.

That is why I hate phone calls.

 

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic

Autism Acceptance Day Wish List

This year for Autism Acceptance Day I have five wishes. Some day they may come true – then my work blogging will be complete.

  1. I wish everyone would be aware of Autism, what it really is, and what it really isn’t. Too many misconceptions about Autism are out there, what causes Autism, what Autistic people need. Someday I hope the rest of the world can accept the truth.
  2. I wish Autistic people could be accepted for who they are. In my dreams People would not ask us to change or be more “normal”. Sitting a chair, rocking back and forth while humming would not be thought of as strange. Eye contact would not be forced and passing would be a thing of the past.
  3. I wish Autistic women and adults would stop being overlooked. The media, Autism organizations, and Autism service providers are often focused only on children. People seem to forget about Autistic adults, as if we grow out of our brain types as we age. For me, the older I get the more Autistic I feel – but since I “function so well” cant really be that Autistic or need services (sarcasm).
  4. I wish Neurotypical people would understand what passing is. Maybe if they understood the work that goes into pretending to be “normal” they would not ask this of us. Maybe if people understood passing they would not doubt me when I tell them I am Autistic. I hate being called / thought of as a lair.
  5. I wish we could stop pathologizing Autism. Maybe if people understood, accommodated, and accepted us we could start thinking of Autism as a difference not a deficit. Yes, I know we have our difficulties and commodities. Trust me I have my own, however a LOT of my disability comes from the fact that people around me are unaccommodating of my requests. They call me dramatic and high maintenance, when the lights above me are making my brain throb and I ask to sit somewhere with better lighting (or ask for other accommodations).

 

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic

Autistic Confessions – Am I REALLY Autistic?

A conversation among my readers brings up an interesting common feeling among Aspies. Many of us remember reading the definition of Autism or Asperger’s before we were diagnosed. A lot of us read those words and thought – “Oh, no this is definitely not me!”

Still something doesn’t let the thoughts settle so we do a bit more digging. For me it was finding other Autistic writers in books and online. Before hearing their voices I had always felt like some creature other than human. I assumed I was a broken human, defective, odd, strange.

It started with YouTube videos, then I found blogs, and invisible disability websites. Finally after a lifetime in the dark I found my tribe. Hearing and reading voices that echoed my own gave me confidence. Before I felt broken but with the Aspies I was just another one of the group – a real life “Ugly Duckling” story.

We had things in common, many things. Things I never share with people, experiences that most people cannot relate to or understand, the way my mind works – my deepest darkest secrets. The Aspies and I had a lot in common, all the things I’ve never tried to share with other people because I knew the looks people would give me for being honest.

All this and still I wondered if I really was Autistic so I decided to seek a diagnosis. Even after getting a diagnosis I STILL wondered if I really was Autistic. The label, handed over by a doctor, seemed to imply that there was something “wrong with me” and I never felt that way – at least not in relation to the way my brain works.

One of my readers mentioned “feeling like she was not disabled” enough to be Autistic despite being officially diagnosed.

Too many medical types and non-Autistics speaking about Autism. It’s about time we start speaking for ourselves.

This is why we need more Autistic writers to speak out about what they are experiencing, so the other Aspies can wake up, stop feeling alone, and broken. There are too many lonely Autistic people in the world. I wish them truth and ease. Hopefully some day they will find their home.

It took me a long time, even after my diagnosis to fully accept the truth – especially when almost everyone I tell about my Autism won’t believe me. There are still days when I wonder.

Maybe it’s my OCD? I know it makes me second guess and doubt myself even when I KNOW I’m right.

This strange feeling that I only get on my best, healthiest, clearest mind day – am I REALLY Autistic? (Then a bad sensory day where I cannot leave the house or cry in public reminds me – still an Aspie!)

Check out the comments that inspired this blog post HERE on AnonymouslyAutistic.net.

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic #AutismAwareness #AutismAcceptance #AnonymouslyAutistic

Autistic Confessions – Easily Startled (Too Much Anxiety)

I’ve got a trigger-hair panic reaction. Its like my startle response is tuned way up higher than the average person. I try very hard to control it but I am still easily startled.

When someone drops something, pops a balloon, closes a door, or makes any other sudden sound it makes my heart race. Adrenaline pumps through my body and by breath speeds up. I practice slow breathing concentrating on my feet and breath willing the panic to stop – but why does this happen so often?

Its not just sounds that set off my fear response. I feel like things around me are constantly triggering it. For example catching something unexpected in my fiend of vision is equally disturbing.

Other things that make me panic are surprises, not knowing what is going on, and conversations with strangers. Any time I have to speak using words in a meeting, even if it is a one on one meeting, my armpits and hands sweat as my heart races.

Although I am always fighting this invisible battle, it’s like panic is my default response to things. Nobody sees me stress but inside is a tornado of emotions. Desperately I seek control of the whirling monster  inside of me.

The anxiety is always trying to overcome me and it is constant. I have been living in a state of anxiety for most of my life – it should be no wonder my health is not great. The toll it is taking on me is becoming more and more obvious.

There are certain things that ease me, writing, exercising, creating, learning, meditation, and long walks. I am working hard to calm the beast because I worry my anxiety may be the source of most of my issues.

This is a fight I have to win.

Overwhelmed Meltdown to Burn Out – A Poem – Guest Blog

A stone in my throat
Left and right brains beat swiftly
Needles prick my nerves
Tingling nerves in whole teeth
Mind blank out
Numbness envelope whole head
Tears well up turning to
Uncontrollable tears draining my face
Dripping down my chin
Unintentional wrong
Lead into drown into the abyss of sea
Struggling to swim up
Heavy stone body pushing me deeper
As my hand lifting upwards
During daytime
Sudden loss of energy at my hands
Palms lose strength to grip
Noises
Every light footsteps
Pulling of chairs
Shouts
High pitched voices
Distract my focus
Messages
Apps
Notification tones
Breaks my concentration to pieces
Awakened from sleep
Heartbeat rhythms pounding faster
Pulling nerves at my rear skull
Tingling nerves and pulling backwards
In the temple of my head
Explosive pressure in the top of my head
Either in my half-right head
Or in my half-right head
At times squeezing my whole head
As sense of burning in my head
Perspiring in the cold room
Pulsating head temples spreading in whole head
Gasping for breathe
Calling out to Jesus for help
Looking to my Lord for His healing
Crying to Him from inside
– Yoshiko (Diagnosed at age 34)
Please check out Yoshiko’s blog for more great content.