It’s hard to write about meltdowns, they are very difficult to describe. The most frustrating part of having one is the fact that I have very little control over it. In fact while I am having a meltdown it feels as if I have lost control of everything.
I become very much like a child having a tantrum, but the reality is at that point I can no longer think clearly so my cognitive abilities may not be far above that of a child as the episode comes on. I am completely overwhelmed by everything.
Many of my meltdowns are tied to anxiety.
I don’t often bang my head against walls but if I do, it is because I am in a very dark place, sick, or in pain. This is a last resort scenario, when something is too much and I just “need it to stop”.
Not encouraging this behavior just trying to shed some light on something that doesn’t get enough discussion.
Every time I have a meltdown I write a poem. Here is one I wrote a while ago.
Banging My Head Against the Wall
The worst of meltdowns.
Trapped with my own anxiety and sense of dread
swirling endlessly inside my head.
I can’t escape.
Please make it stop.
Curled up rocking my back to the wall
tears and eyeliner pouring down my face.
Stop! Stop! The panic continues
while I bang my head up
against the wall.
It’s gotten to that point
where everything falls apart.
You think I am overreacting to something small
but this is the result of holding things in
hours, weeks, even months.
It’s always the same.
I reach my limit.
Eventually that one thing happens
and everything just becomes too much for me.
The weight I’ve been carrying comes crashing down hard.
Desperate, panicked, and alone, I am stuck beneath it.
“Get a hold of yourself! You are acting like a child!”
The words don’t help because I can’t
make it stop.
I would if I could
but this has to run it’s course.
Once the meltdown starts it overtakes me.
All I can do is run, make irrational choices, and cry.
When a meltdown hits I am lost and tormented.
You may be here with me but I am alone
and feeling helpless