Tag Archives: blogging

I Really LOVE My Readers!!!

I’m not back from hiatus yet, but had the urge to check the comments for my blog. Very glad I did. All of the positivity and well wishes were exactly what I needed today. Thank you ALL for your support in my needs for self care.

I am working on creative projects and reflecting deeply on myself, goals, and the path for myself.

In addition, I am participating in autism research, working with professionals who actually care about what #ActuallyAutistic people have to say. IF WE want to be a part of Autism science WE have to make that step and jump in somewhere.

Last month I did an interview with a researcher and will share a link to it on my blog when it goes up. Just proofread the article and am very pleased with it. Stay tuned!

With deepest love and appreciation,

“Anna”

Autistic Confessions – Some Days I’m Completely Overwhelmed & Want to Quit

I never thought things would get this big when I started my blog. Less than 2 years ago I wrote my first blog post. At the time I had no idea if anyone would ever read what I had to say.

Part of me hoped that nobody would because the things I wanted to talk about were my biggest secrets.

Still I had to write. Since discovering and accepting my Autism I had been reading, studying, obsessing, watching videos, and learning. There was a lot of information out there that was not consistent with my own experience or the experiences of the Autistic writers that I had found online.

Something began to stir.

Part of me was screaming out “you’ve got it wrong!” Too many of the wrong voices, doctors and parents, were speaking. More non-Autistic people were talking about living with Autism than Autistic people.

The Aspies who were speaking out amazed and inspired me.

The videos were my favorite, but I don’t always speak elegantly and write much better than I verbalize, so I knew this would not be my chosen medium.

I also had a strong desire to conduct my project in secret – so that nobody who knew me well would read what I had to say. My anxiety and OCD can get pretty bad and I knew I would worry too much if I had to face people after writing my blogs.

My biggest fear is fame and being found out. For me survival has always been blending into the background in anxious situations. Being recognized in public would make this impossible.

I’m a bit of a hermit and when I do go out, it is not to seek interactions with strangers. It’s not that I don’t like people either – I just get drained quickly by these types of things.

When I started the blog I never knew it would grow. I didn’t know people would email me. I had no idea I would EVER join Twitter because I really dislike social media.

Every time I log into Twitter I am battling my own anxiety again – afraid to say the wrong thing. People can be very touchy online.

Responding to all the tweets, emails, comments, and everyone’s questions takes up a large part of my day when I can log in. Blogging has become almost it’s own part-time job (without pay). Between working full time and keeping up with my readers there is hardly time to do much at the end of the day.

Still even on the days when I feel too tired and want to give up I feel obligated to log on. There are days when I am feeling completely overwhelmed by all of the emails, comments, and over one hundred Twitter notifications in front of me. So many tasks I want to cry. It is hard to even know where to start with all of them.

I read each and every one. Every email, every comment, every Tweet.  I used to respond to every one, but at this point I can no longer keep up.

Most days I love and look forward to the comments but that doesn’t make the large number of them any less intimidating. In honesty I know that on a dark or bad day, reading from my readers will give me greater joy than anything else. They are an amazing support network for me. I feel I owe them so much.

Some days it is completely overwhelming to me and I want to quit. I want my life back – but this is my life now.

When I want to stop I look at the readers, the people I am helping, and the people who still need my help. I can’t stop because there is still so much work to be done even when I am feeling completely overwhelmed.

Letter to My Younger Self

Dear Me, so bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Wild child, who can’t sit still, full of joy bouncing off the walls. Yes you are strange, but please don’t fear your uniqueness. Be you, don’t grow bitter.Stay strange and amazing.

You have so much potential. Yes, your mother is right you are smart. Stop believing when people tell you otherwise.

It’s okay that you don’t need people. That makes you independent NOT defective. You are not cold and robotic you are calm and logical. Yes you do things differently but some day this will be your strength.

The people who picked on you never made it far in life. It was them not you who had the problem. Bullies are insecure and often suffer on the inside, lashing out to make themselves feel bigger. Don’t be like them. Stay kind.

Silly girl, who talks to the animals and trees. Never stop. Don’t worry about what other people think of you. You are perfect just the way you are.

 

With deepest love,

-Me

Diagnostic Criteria for Neurotypical Spectrum Disorder

Are you or is someone you know hyper social? It could be Neurotypical Spectrum Disorder.Read below to find out more and follow #NTDiagnosis

Neurotypical Spectrum Disorder           999.00 (F97.0)

Diagnostic Criteria

A.      Persistent over-activity in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts.

1.       Insistence on social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from constant social approach and early adaptation of back-and-forth conversation; to encourage sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to a constant seeking to initiate or respond in social interactions.

2.       Over awareness of nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to eye contact and body language or overestimation in understanding and use of gestures.

3.       Early onset in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from ease adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; may engage in sharing imaginative play, easily make friends without assistance. Also may show an over interest in peers.

Specify current severity:

Severity is based on social communication impairments and restricted repetitive patterns of behavior (see Table 2).

B.      Enjoys a wide range of interests, or activities, with a difficulty focusing on one task through completion, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):

1.       Lack of repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g., simple motor stereotypies, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases).

2.       Insistence on variance and flexibility, dislike of routines, or ritualized patterns or verbal nonverbal behavior (e.g., no distress at small changes, ease with transitions, lose thinking patterns, aversion to rituals, need to take new route or eat different food every day).

3.       Highly flexible, fluid interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g, weak attachment to or preoccupation with others and socializing).

4.       Hyporeactivity to sensory input or lack of interests in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g., apparent indifference to pain/temperature, indifferent response to nature, specific sounds or textures, lack of interest in smelling or touching of objects, shows no visual fascination with lights or movement).

Specify current severity:

Severity is based excursiveness of of social communication and fluid, overly flexible patterns of behavior (see Table 2).

C.      Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until demands exceed limited capacities, or may be masked by learned strategies in later life).

D.      Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.

E.       These disturbances are not better explained by other disabilities or illnesses.

Note: Individuals with a well-established DSM-VIII diagnosis of Communitive disorder, Socialem’s disorder, or other hyper-social disorder not otherwise specified should be given the diagnosis of Neurotypical spectrum disorder.

 

 

How would an Aspie diagnose a “Neurotypical” person if the tables were turned. Just for fun. I hope this peace bring thoughts and a smile. It is not intended to be offensive in any way.

With Love,

“Anna”

I Want to Encourage Everyone to Write

Writing is therapy and can be a key to better self understanding. We all have stories to tell and lessons learned. When we share we give others the opportunity to learn.

Write – even if you never share your world with anyone.

Pour your soul out onto the pages (digital or hand written). Let your thoughts come to life. Often I am surprised at what comes out when I am behind a keyboard. There is a flow when I am comfortable and relaxed.

In face to face interactions I am not nearly as eloquent. Sometimes I am just struggling to keep pace with a conversation – my brain tends to save information to process later. This is inefficient when speaking to people. By the time I am ready to contribute often the topic has already been changed.

My social differences are often misunderstood by my peers. I don’t need to look at people when they are talking to me – and listen best if I don’t try to. People often think I am rude, daydreaming, or not paying attention. They don’t understand that my brain works differently.

I started this blog out of frustration. When everywhere I go everyone misunderstands or underestimates me. If I tell people I am Autistic they say things like “you seem to have grown out of it” or “you don’t seem autistic”.

The picture they have of Autism is one that was sold in movies and on the internet.

It is a boy who cannot speak, an adult who may never live on their own, or someone who bangs their head against walls (I do this but not hard enough to hurt much).

An attractive woman who appears to have it all together is NOT what they imagine when you say “Autism” and they can’t easily adjust the pictures in their minds.

Neurotypicals tend to have more of a “hive mind” than Aspies do. They tend to follow popular opinions and are often hesitant to stray from what is considered “common knowledge”.

I can only see one fix for this problem – change what is “common knowledge”.

Aspies are wired to be individuals we don’t care about what others think – unless we are taught to care what others think (then we can become overly eager to please). We tend to be very analytical – sometime to the point of over analyzing.

Many of us thrive in solitude and are often accused of being “antisocial” and other negative terms.

People have a hard time accepting what they don’t understand. That is why it is so important that we all share our stories. Everyone has a story to tell.

Do something with yours – even if it is all you’ve got. Maybe you will change the world.

 

#SheCantBeAutistic #ActuallyAutistic #AnonymouslyAutistic #InvisibleAutism

Our Physicians Don’t Know Autism

I can hardly believe the ignorance that is out there. In the world in the medical field. You would think that people who practice medicine and see people every day would know more than the stereotypes of Autism.

When you go to a medical professional you hope they will understand your medical conditions not doubt them.

I’m seeing a new physician – for me this is a very stressful change. It is a new person, I am driving to a new place, they have new procedures. Being in that office with that florescent white light burning my brain is hard.

My heart is pounding and I want to run out, so I close my eyes and count my breaths. I focus on the feelings in my lungs and the darkness until I am calm. There are several moments where I must do this through the examination.

At the end I mention my Autism, expecting for her to simply add it to the chart.

I handed over the wrinkled and folded diagnosis paper that I keep on hand for emergencies if I cannot talk. Already I could tell she was questioning it’s validity. “I’m surprised she put you on the spectrum” her overly friendly and patronizing tone was something that even I could pick up on.

There was so much I wanted to tell her. Desperately wishing to educate her – I was paralyzed by her doubt. This is a medical professional before me – if SHE doesn’t know we are all in trouble.

I wish I had said more but I was now trying not to cry.

I told her that I keep most things to myself and that growing up feeling different on the inside (but not knowing why) teaches you to hide everything that is strange about you. You begin to fear your own uniqueness. So you learn to hide everything that is different about you.

You learn to blend in as a survival tool.  All my mess is on the inside.

We need more education. If our medical professionals are still stuck on the stereotypes no wonder there are so many misdiagnoses out there and so many Autistic girls being missed.

Autistic women do not follow the male Autistic stereotype – and honestly not all autistic men follow it either.

This is a big problem. Where do we even start?

#SheCantBeAutistic #AcutallyAutistic #AutismAwareness #AutismAcceptance #AnonymouslyAutistic

Happy New Year!

To you my dear readers and friends. I wish you start this new year eagerly. I hope you find the courage necessary to chase your dreams. Don’t let the doubters get you down.

You are amazing and I hope you know this.

That is my new years wish for you.

 

With love,

Anna

Autistic Confessions – I Don’t Want To Rock & Roll All Night

I have a hard time making connections with people through face to face interactions. Something inside me doesn’t allow me to bond to people partially – I have close friends (very few), colleagues (people who think they know me), and strangers.

There are no shades of grey with me. Things are black and white most of the time.

I am friendly with everyone but unless you earn your way into my inner circle I will keep you at a distance. Most people have lost interest in any type of relationship by the time I’ve come to my decision about weather someone is trustworthy or not.

Being unable to read body language and faces puts me at a disadvantage in social situations and makes it harder for me to get a feel for people. I’m painfully aware of this disability and it has made me overly cautious, because people have taken advantage of my  naivety in the past.

Face to face interactions with people can be very draining for me, even when in the company of good friends. Too many people in one room can be disorienting. I can’t function in an overly busy environment. It’s hard to filter out all the voices.

I don’t care for alcohol and parties with bumping bass music and throbbing lights leave me wanting to run like a rodent in the night.

These are the things my peers bond over and enjoy – these are the things I want to avoid.

I don’t want to rock and roll all night or party every day.

 

 

Working Full Time (Is Killing Me) – Autism at Work

Now that I know the reason for my social impairments and shortcomings, I am more accepting of my own failures.

Before I knew I was Autistic, I remember crying alone wondering why I could not just figure out the nuances of conversation. Why even when I thought I was doing everything right to have a polite conversation, people told me I still spoke out of turn and repeated myself .

The way I relate to others is somehow of-putting. I tend to ramble and turn conversations back onto myself. People think I don’t care about what they have to say but really, I’m just trying to say – “I understand.”

In fact I am also much more aware of my own failures now – this was hard on my self esteem when I was first diagnosed. Suddenly all of my flaws were illuminated, in my face, and so official.

I realized that I could not read faces, realized how much I was struggling just for timing in conversations, realized that auditory processing delays make face to face interactions stressful and overstimulating.

I was pushing myself to the point of sickness trying to keep up with the social demands of my busy work place. The things that most people find rewarding, busy events and parties, are not fun to me. I don’t want to go out and drink and I don’t feel relaxed around my coworkers.

All that fun was not in the job description and it was taking a toll on me.

Happy hours, networking events, international travel, restaurant openings, celebrities, private screenings of movies that the public can’t see yet – my job is pretty amazing.

The truth is, I rather not have all the extra perks that my job “offers”. I’ve learned that the politics are complex and if you don’t attend certain things your boss feels like you are ungrateful. I try to attend the very minimum, but even that is pushing it for me.

I am surviving in energy conservation mode. I have no social life other than the one my office creates.

I’ve stopped hanging out with my real friends because at the end of the work week I am dead. I have no energy or desire to socialize, burnt up and spent, nothing left for the people who matter most to me.

But I am living the dream right? I have my dream job and it seems to be killing me.

I need more down time than most people, and the more social I am the more down time I need. It is hard for someone running on spoons to have a full time job, but quitting is never my option.

I have gratitude for my job, because TOO many Aspies are unemployed. I am thankful every day for my very difficult and exciting job – even on the worst days.

I LOVE MY READERS!

I Just have to say that I LOVE my readers! I have the best readers, such an engaged audience. You always supply positive and enlightening conversations. I am grateful for each and every one of you – even those of you who don’t comment.

Please – join in on the conversation!

Thank you all so much for your continued support. Without the readers this blog is nothing.

With Love,

“Anna”