Tag Archives: Depression

Autistic Confessions – In Hiding

I’ve been in hiding. Desperately trying to conserve the energy that I have left at the end of the work day. Being in an offices is extremely hard, despite having kind coworkers. At the end of the day my head is pounding and my energy is drained, leaving little left for more pleasant things.

Hidden away from the world, I turn down almost every invitation. Navigating the social aspects of my workplace leaves my social mussels overworked. I’ve push almost everyone away because I literally can not handle anyone or anything extra at the moment.

I’ve stopped checking my personal email. There are so many emails and so much information being shared at work. I get to the point where I just need all input to stop. My brain has become bogged down and slow, as I try to process my days when I get home.

My brain is like a sponge, it sucks up everything until it is drowning and oozing. Covered and dripping with too much information this most important organ can no longer function, so I shut it off, preventing meltdowns.

This is burnout, this is me in self preservation mode. I am holding on but some days I am barely here. I try very hard to always stay positive because I know sinking into a depressing would be the worst thing for me at this point.

In the meantime it’s many solitary walks in the woods, counting my breaths, less commitments, and as much creative down time as possible.

That is why I have gone into hiding, reclusive, in quiet stillness. I’ve got to take care of myself, there is nobody to do it for me.

 

Looking Back

Looking back on when I started this blog. Reflecting on the discovery of my Autism and the negative things that were all over the Internet.

 

I was worn down and depressed. Eventually, after the shock from all the negativity wore off, I began to look for positive people and articles.

 

Almost everything positive was coming from Aspies. Watching my positive peers helped me to shake off my darkness, but finding all of their videos had been difficult. Search engines seems to prefer big organizations over small blogs.

 

It should be easier for people looking online to find this first hand information – straight from the Aspie’s mouth.

 

We know what we are talking about. 😉

 

I started to collect posts that inspired me and began to look for new inspiring Autistics online.

 

Writing out my feelings helps me to put them into words.

 

It’s funny, despite being told that I am a fairly decent writer, I do not think in words in a very typical sense. Really I am a more visual thinker.

 

I can type out words if left alone to think, but having another person around can send my words flying out the window. Typing is therapy. Speaking is work.

 

This therapy saved me as I collected videos and articles that I wished I would have seen early in my Autism journey.

 

I wanted to create a life preserver. If you happen to be lucky enough to find me, you will also find the biggest collection of links to other amazing Autistic people online.

 

Nobody should drown in negative information. I hope that you use this site as a lighthouse in the dark. Shining the paths to many amazing voices.

 

With love,

“Anna”

Stupid Comments Made To Those With Disabilities and Illnesses

I really needed some humor today but Shabaz Says‘s YouTube video, although funny, hits very close to home.

I have an invisible disability. I am Autistic and have sensory processing disorder and an additional diagnosis of Social Anxiety disorder. Nobody can see these things but people often are dismissive and tell me to “get over it”.

Take note of the message in this video and remember that these are things you don’t say to or about ANYONE Autistic or otherwise.

I can take NO credit for the video below. Please subscribe to Shabaz Says‘s channel you YouTube for more great content.

See video HERE!

Autistic Comorbids

Many people on the Autism Spectrum have other comorbid disorders (myself included). Below are a few things that bother me even now as an adult.

Anxiety – I live in a near constant state of anxiety. The only thing that helps is my overly logical mind. I can normally “out logic” my anxiety and then distract myself. When a panic attack occurs, I can sit “calmly” on the outside and nobody would ever know anything was wrong (unless they noticed that I was a bit spaced out or tried to get me to talk).

Insomnia – my entire life. I have a hard time falling asleep and wake often. If I know that I have to get up earlier than usual in the morning my anxiety will keep me up all night in anticipation. Getting out of bed is also extremely difficult because I still feel tired.

Gastrointestinal / bowel disorders – I’ve always had problems with my stomach, as long as I can remember. There are certain foods that can trigger a horrible vomiting attack, but the main thing that seems to cause this is stress. It is possible that my stomach illness are what happens in the most extreme version of a “meltdown” but that is more of a theory for now.

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) – My teachers tried to convince my mother that I had ADHD in elementary school. I am easily distracted and have a hard time focusing on things that I am not interested in. My mind wanders off. However I have hyper-focus while working on tasks I enjoy. Luckily my mother refused to have me evaluated for ADHD because she did not want me medicated. I honestly think this is just part of the AS personality type.

Depression – it runs in my family and I now believe this is actually Autistic Burnout.

Sensory problems – most of us have these. Mine seem to worsen and become more intense when I am tired, but there are certain things I can never tolerate for long. Certain lights give me headaches and hurt my eyes. I can NOT handle the feeling of a manual toothbrush in my mouth or getting my nails filed. Also there is only a few types of socks that I can wear.

Nonverbal learning disorder – People with this disorder may not at times comprehend nonverbal cues such as facial expression or tone of voice. Has trouble interpreting nonverbal cues like facial expressions or body language and may have poor coordination. (Yes, Yes, and YES!)

Obsessive-compulsive disorder –  I have more obsessions than compulsions. Most of the time I am able to mentally talk myself out of doing something that I fell heavily compelled to do. (Although the nagging thoughts / urge to do something can linger on until I find something else to occupy my mind.)

“Obsessions themselves are the unwanted thoughts or impulses that seem to “pop up” repeatedly in the mind. These intruding thoughts can be fears, unreasonable worries, or a need to do things. When a person is tense or under stress, the obsessions can worsen.

Compulsions are the behaviors that may result from the obsessive thoughts [. . .] Compulsions may be rituals, repeating certain actions, counting, or other recurrent behaviors.”

Epilepsy  / Seizures – I have only ever had one seizure and it was at a time where I had way too much stress in my life. Perhaps this was brain overload in its most extreme form.