Tag Archives: friends

Autistic Confessions – In Hiding

I’ve been in hiding. Desperately trying to conserve the energy that I have left at the end of the work day. Being in an offices is extremely hard, despite having kind coworkers. At the end of the day my head is pounding and my energy is drained, leaving little left for more pleasant things.

Hidden away from the world, I turn down almost every invitation. Navigating the social aspects of my workplace leaves my social mussels overworked. I’ve push almost everyone away because I literally can not handle anyone or anything extra at the moment.

I’ve stopped checking my personal email. There are so many emails and so much information being shared at work. I get to the point where I just need all input to stop. My brain has become bogged down and slow, as I try to process my days when I get home.

My brain is like a sponge, it sucks up everything until it is drowning and oozing. Covered and dripping with too much information this most important organ can no longer function, so I shut it off, preventing meltdowns.

This is burnout, this is me in self preservation mode. I am holding on but some days I am barely here. I try very hard to always stay positive because I know sinking into a depressing would be the worst thing for me at this point.

In the meantime it’s many solitary walks in the woods, counting my breaths, less commitments, and as much creative down time as possible.

That is why I have gone into hiding, reclusive, in quiet stillness. I’ve got to take care of myself, there is nobody to do it for me.

 

Autistic Confessions – Email Anxiety

To my beloved readers, I feel I must confess something that a few of you may have noticed – I have email anxiety and I haven’t checked my email in weeks.

With work emails it is almost easier because I have to answer them or there will be a consequence but sometimes I open my personal in-box, see more than 2 or 3 emails and immediately close the browser because “I just can’t.”

It seems like a huge task, one that requires focus.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed just trying to figure out where to start that I cant. Then I have guilt. Guilt for not responding to my readers and friends in a timely fashion. In addition to the guilt there is the nagging that something in one of those emails might be important.

After a few hours, or a day or two, the shock wears off and I log back in to read an email or two (no guarantee if I will respond unless something is urgent). Most of the time I will shoot back a quick response if I open a short email but sometimes a long email will send me back to the little gray “X” on the top right of my screen.

At that time the entire cycle starts over. Some days I may only respond to one email – or none at all. It’s like I’m waiting for the perfect circumstances to arise so I can read and respond to email – but very rarely does my mind cooperate.

The worst part is I realize it would be better if I just forced myself to get them out of the way – so I can stop obsessing over my unread emails. Maybe I should go check my email.

 

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic #InvisibleAutism #OCD

 

Oops – I’ve Lost Another Friend

Oops I’ve lost another friend

I thought that we were close

But you’ve got needs

that I can’t fill

You want more from me than I can give

I leave you feeling empty

You tell me friends hang out more

When my social anxiety gets the best of me

and I would cancel

at first you calmed to understand

Eventually you got tired of waiting

telling me you wanted more

I know now

and it breaks my heart

that I must let you go

Goodbye my friend of many years

My friend who cannot understand

I hate to see you go

and will miss you when you’re gone

but your no good for me

when you hurt me so

your words cut deep

we cannot repair

I’m afraid you’ve got to go

A poem about losing friends.

Being Autistic has made it more difficult for me to make friends. I don’t bond with everyone but deeply care about the friends I have. Loosing a friendship is like burying a friend.

It is a great and painful loss but if the relationship is not mutually beneficial than I can see no point.

I have Social Anxiety Disorder – sometimes I cancel plans but it doesn’t mean I did not want to hang out. My fiends feel unwanted and one by one most of them have drifted away.

People don’t understand and I can’t blame them for that – doesn’t mean it does not sting whenever it happens.

 

Ask an Autistic: Living Atypically – “Coming Out”

Just made a comment today on Wrong Planet talking about how, in many ways, coming out as Autistic can be just as hard if not harder than coming out as gay or bisexual.

People have so many preconceived ideas about what Autism is and how I – as a woman who blends in well – does NOT fit that idea. Often I feel like I am “in the closet” because people don’t really understand Autism. They don’t understand me.

#sadbuttrue

Because I also suffer from Alexithymia it is especially hard for me to talk about my Autism with certain people.

I can take NO credit for Amythest Schaber‘s video. Please check her out and subscribe to her channel.

See video HERE!

I See Problems & I Fix Them

I am good at seeing problems that others seem oblivious to. In addition I also tend to come up with unique solutions to the problems in front of me. Problem solving is my native language and I am good at it.

When I see a problem I am overcome by a strong urge to fix it. It is very hard for me to ignore a problem once it has made itself known to me, and I am compelled to work towards a solution until a satisfactory one is found.

This can create a difficult situation if the people around me cannot see the problem that I am trying to point out or do not agree that a situation needs attention.

I see the world with a critical eye. Inefficient and pointless activities drive me crazy. This is why I often fail at “girl talk”. My best friend told me recently, point blank, that sometimes she needs to talk just to vent and that when she is venting she does not want a solution.

My overly logical brain has a hard time with this, but because I care deeply for her, I now make efforts to sit quietly when she is talking. It is difficult for me to understand when I should talk and when I should listen, so most of the time I just try to stay quiet.

Conversations without a clear goal are baffling to me. Talking to people takes up a lot of my energy, especially when I am unable to determine the meaning of or reason for a conversation.

It’s not even that I do not like talking to people. Meaningful conversations with people who are close to me are actually very  enjoyable, but they still wear me out.

Fixing problems gives me energy. I get a high off of the mental stimulation that problem solving provides. This is my strength, that is why I see problems and I fix them.