Tag Archives: inspiration

Autistic Confessions – Some Days I’m Completely Overwhelmed & Want to Quit

I never thought things would get this big when I started my blog. Less than 2 years ago I wrote my first blog post. At the time I had no idea if anyone would ever read what I had to say.

Part of me hoped that nobody would because the things I wanted to talk about were my biggest secrets.

Still I had to write. Since discovering and accepting my Autism I had been reading, studying, obsessing, watching videos, and learning. There was a lot of information out there that was not consistent with my own experience or the experiences of the Autistic writers that I had found online.

Something began to stir.

Part of me was screaming out “you’ve got it wrong!” Too many of the wrong voices, doctors and parents, were speaking. More non-Autistic people were talking about living with Autism than Autistic people.

The Aspies who were speaking out amazed and inspired me.

The videos were my favorite, but I don’t always speak elegantly and write much better than I verbalize, so I knew this would not be my chosen medium.

I also had a strong desire to conduct my project in secret – so that nobody who knew me well would read what I had to say. My anxiety and OCD can get pretty bad and I knew I would worry too much if I had to face people after writing my blogs.

My biggest fear is fame and being found out. For me survival has always been blending into the background in anxious situations. Being recognized in public would make this impossible.

I’m a bit of a hermit and when I do go out, it is not to seek interactions with strangers. It’s not that I don’t like people either – I just get drained quickly by these types of things.

When I started the blog I never knew it would grow. I didn’t know people would email me. I had no idea I would EVER join Twitter because I really dislike social media.

Every time I log into Twitter I am battling my own anxiety again – afraid to say the wrong thing. People can be very touchy online.

Responding to all the tweets, emails, comments, and everyone’s questions takes up a large part of my day when I can log in. Blogging has become almost it’s own part-time job (without pay). Between working full time and keeping up with my readers there is hardly time to do much at the end of the day.

Still even on the days when I feel too tired and want to give up I feel obligated to log on. There are days when I am feeling completely overwhelmed by all of the emails, comments, and over one hundred Twitter notifications in front of me. So many tasks I want to cry. It is hard to even know where to start with all of them.

I read each and every one. Every email, every comment, every Tweet.  I used to respond to every one, but at this point I can no longer keep up.

Most days I love and look forward to the comments but that doesn’t make the large number of them any less intimidating. In honesty I know that on a dark or bad day, reading from my readers will give me greater joy than anything else. They are an amazing support network for me. I feel I owe them so much.

Some days it is completely overwhelming to me and I want to quit. I want my life back – but this is my life now.

When I want to stop I look at the readers, the people I am helping, and the people who still need my help. I can’t stop because there is still so much work to be done even when I am feeling completely overwhelmed.

Autism’s Not So Bad – Why I Focus on The Positive

On this blog I share my difficulties so that others who have similar troubles will know they are not alone.

In life I try to focus more on the positives. It is better for me to focus on the things I can do versus worry over the areas I’m lacking.

I could beat myself up over my flaws until my self-esteem is in the toilet and I slip into a deep darkness. Trust me I’ve been there before and getting down like that is not helpful. Sure, I have limitations and disabilities but we all have troubles and obstacles to overcome.

When I was younger adults pointed out my flaws. Teachers and school highlighted all the ways I was a failure. I felt completely inadequate and was physically ill from anxiety.

My skills and artistic abilities were always discouraged. Nobody pushed me to peruse my talents. People assumed I would grow up and never make anything of myself.

It has taken years to recover from this trauma. The past few years have been the best years of my life – especially since discovering my Autism. The amount of self compassion needed to accept this truth helped me shift my thinking.

My Autism has given me quite a few gifts that I would like to highlight. These are the things I think about during my day. Reflecting on the positives keeps me going, making sure I don’t fall into a pit of self-pity. I have to keep moving.

I am extremely detail oriented (almost to a fault sometimes) but when doing the right types of tasks I am better than most at catching certain things.

My personality – these traits I believe come from my Autism. I am very loyal, honest, and self motivated. Above all things I value the truth.

I am a very dedicated employee and am great at following a list of tasks. I don’t socialize when I should be working and generally try to do work I love. I work hard and follow the rules.

Peer pressure does not get me. I am able to see when others are being illogical. I am a VERY logical person. I can also be calm when others panic (depending on the situation).

I have a bond with animals and nature. A walk in nature cures anything in my soul.

I’m not afraid to go against popular opinions – and will often comment when I disagree with them.

My perspective is different. Autism affects the way I intemperate the world so I have a unique perspective. This can be very helpful in a group when looking for new solutions.

I see music videos when I close my eyes and recall songs in my head like a jukebox. The movies come alive in full color. This is just magical. I also memorize songs and know all the words to just about every song I enjoy.

I can write in a way that comes from my Autistic experience. I’ve read so many books. As a child I read fiction, Stephen King, Dracula, and many more adult books. I remember the beautiful patterns in the words. I’ve read all the classics and now I read non-fiction. These things have rubbed off on me.

Patterns are everywhere and I see them. I see pasterns in everything – people, objects, concepts. Sometimes I get lost in them but I’ve learned to use these things as a guide for my life. It makes things more predictable – which most Aspies can appreciate.

Synesthesia – I enjoy mine but am not ready to put the experience into words. Sometimes it is distracting and even distressing. It made driving very difficult. Until about a year ago I didn’t even know there was a word for my experience. Still – I actually love this part of myself and would NEVER give it up.

So despite the days where I am sharing a painful experience, these are the things in my mind on a day to day basis. I remind myself every day of the ways I am blessed so that I am not overcome by darkness.

Tired of Passing – Washing Away The Alter Ego

For most of my life I’ve always been two people.

As we get ready for 2017 here is my new years resolution / goal. I want to be more authentic. I want to be more true and compassionate for myself.

I feel like it started in elementary school as some sort of survival mechanism – there was the “home me” and the “school me”. My mother would often remark how other people’s parents (and other adults) often said I was perfectly behaved while under their care. My mother complained that should be able to act polite at home too.

This character was all an act, working hard to behave in a way that others would expect. Often bullied, I was desperately trying to be like everyone else.

As I grew older, hitting puberty, I got to be that age where I thought I knew everything. Still undiagnosed, I assumed everyone around me put up the same chameleon act that I did.

Living my life more and more in the shoes of the chameleon and spending less time being authentic was damaging to my mental health. Eventually I began to loose track of who I really was. I was longing for authenticity but which person was the real me?

“School Me” became “Work Me” and now there is the “Me” who writes blogs and the me who takes care of her family. So many versions of myself – and I want to be the best one.

Chameleon Woman – blending in where ever she goes. Laity blending in has been difficult, as I push myself towards my mental limits. Certain Aspie traits have become more obvious.

I don’t want to live my life in shame.

Slowly I’m letting my alter ego go, learning her lessons as I wash her away. I want to lead an authentic life, no more fallacies, and pretending to enjoy things I hate.

It’s time to be real. It’s time for honesty. Moving forward with authenticity – embracing all my strengths and weaknesses.

 

Learning to Say No – The Best Gift I Could Give Myself This Holiday Season

People don’t understand my limits when I feel too overwhelmed at the end of a long work week to go out on a Friday. They take things personally when I decline their invitations.

I used to get caught up in upsetting them. One one day, like a light bulb, I realized that I was not responsible for their feelings.

Taking on too many things is not good for my health. Social activities, although enjoyable, are very tiresome to me especially if they take place in a busy environment.

I may choose to stay in, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t want to go out.

I’ve learned that limiting activities that drain my brain, especially during and around busy work weeks, is something that I have to do. If I don’t conserve my energy at home, I won’t have the energy to do my job.

My job can be stressful but it’s actually a very fun job and I enjoy it.

I always want to be fresh and ready to do my best at work. That means taking care of myself – mentally and physically, eating healthy, and getting plenty of rest. I need to be sharp in order to work.

I have to say “no” to people. Some people get tired of hearing “no” over and over.  I’ve lost friends over this. It sucks to loose friends but my health has to come first.

Why do our parents teach us that “no” is a dirty word?

I think “no” is a wonderfully empowering word. Learning to say “no” has set me free.

No – I won’t do it anymore – not if it’s not good for me.

Learning to say no was the best gift I could possibly give myself this holiday season. This year, I hope that I can somehow give this gift to you.

 

With love and thanks,

Anonymously Autistic

“Anna”

 

I’m Not Normal – That’s Okay

My brain and body work differently than most people. That’s not really a problem until someone expects me to do things “their way”.

I do things differently and typically have to teach myself most things unless I have an AMAZING teacher.

This was a problem for me in school, because my teachers couldn’t understand “my way” any more than I understood the way they did things.

I see things differently in my mind than other people. First I think visually but I also have a way to access complex language when typing. I can think of words but I don’t think in words. The words are accessible but primarily my head is full of snapshots and videos. All my memories are videos but most of them have no sound.

I have sound memories too, but they are separate from the words and videos unless the sounds come from music. Music is an amazing world for me – I feel it so deeply in every inch of my body and brain.

I don’t remember words. They don’t stick – unless they are sung or repeated over and over and over again rhythmically. Sometimes I do this in my head if I have to remember something but if you ask me to repeat back to you something you just said to me – you are out of luck.

I don’t speak the way I type. I often spend a lot of time observing in the background.

When I do speak up, I keep things short, unless I am in a chatty mood or on a topic I love. Than I can ramble mindlessly forever and nobody can get a word in. (I try NOT to do this because I realize that it’s rude – another reason I stay away from alcohol.)

Humor makes life easier and being able to laugh at myself whenever I have a social mistake (because they happen EVERY time I am around my coworkers) has saved my life.

Before I would let the anxiety of trying to be “work appropriate” get to me. I did not trust myself. Now that I laugh things off – and in my head I say “Asperger’s” as cartoon caricature of me is rolling her eyes at me in my head.

I smile back.

I don’t blame myself for these mistakes but I try to learn something from every single one of them. Hopefully I will remember next time (or the time after that) not to make the same mistake. I remind myself that I am doing the best I can and move forward.

Self compassion.

I’m not normal but as long as I am doing my best – that’s okay.

Looking Back

Looking back on when I started this blog. Reflecting on the discovery of my Autism and the negative things that were all over the Internet.

 

I was worn down and depressed. Eventually, after the shock from all the negativity wore off, I began to look for positive people and articles.

 

Almost everything positive was coming from Aspies. Watching my positive peers helped me to shake off my darkness, but finding all of their videos had been difficult. Search engines seems to prefer big organizations over small blogs.

 

It should be easier for people looking online to find this first hand information – straight from the Aspie’s mouth.

 

We know what we are talking about. 😉

 

I started to collect posts that inspired me and began to look for new inspiring Autistics online.

 

Writing out my feelings helps me to put them into words.

 

It’s funny, despite being told that I am a fairly decent writer, I do not think in words in a very typical sense. Really I am a more visual thinker.

 

I can type out words if left alone to think, but having another person around can send my words flying out the window. Typing is therapy. Speaking is work.

 

This therapy saved me as I collected videos and articles that I wished I would have seen early in my Autism journey.

 

I wanted to create a life preserver. If you happen to be lucky enough to find me, you will also find the biggest collection of links to other amazing Autistic people online.

 

Nobody should drown in negative information. I hope that you use this site as a lighthouse in the dark. Shining the paths to many amazing voices.

 

With love,

“Anna”

Dear Beautiful – A Letter to the Newly Diagnosed (Autistic)

Dear Beautiful,

Congratulations on finally discovering the truth. I just want to remind you that you are amazing.

I hope your doctor sat you down and told you that this diagnosis does not make you broken. Mine pointed out that a lot of my skills come from being Autistic.

May this information bring you more self compassion, as you learn to respect your limits. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to do things for yourself. Make your own miracles.

Autism is forever. Accepting this fact will bring you peace of mind. Be empowered by this information. Don’t let it break you.

You can let the finality of this diagnosis knock you down. You can get torn up over why it took so long o find the truth OR you can get up and own it.

Focus on and grow your strengths. Do what you love with all your heart even if it doesn’t make you money. If you can turn something you love into a career – even better.

Learn your weaknesses but don’t fixate on what you can’t do. Have self compassion, be kind to yourself and respect your limits.

Read articles by other positive and encouraging Aspies online. The  online Autistic community is amazing and supportive. If you have a question, somebody out there has your answer.

The world needs all kinds of minds. We are unique, but not unlike Einstein, Tesla, Mozart, and many other artists and thinkers who came before us.

Most of all – don’t be ashamed of who you are. Think different – it is your greatest strength.

With Love,

“Anna”

Anonymously Autistic

 

 

“Through Our Eyes: Living with Asperger’s” (Documentary)

I watched this documentary last year before I started my blog. Back when I was gathering information and desperately trying to find words to describe the things that I went through every day.

Today I re-watched this video and looked at the view count – 300,207. Wow. That is so important. That number reflects people learning about Autism, awareness spreading. Aspies own words getting out.

Like a fire our voices are spreading though the internet. Our stories are bring the truth to light.

I love the YouTube channel Alyssa Huber – The Life of an Aspie. She does a GREAT job advocating and educating. This video is wonderful and does a great job expressing things that many of us have felt.

I’ve Worked Hard to Become Who I Am – Never Give Up

Every day you wake up and get to choose who you want to be.

You can decide what bad habit you want to break or choose to learn something new or master a new skill.

I try to have as many positive days as possible.

I try to keep moving in the right direction – little by little, inch by inch. The progress seems slow but eventually I look back and see how far I have come.

Its work worth second of every hour.

If You Don’t Read the Comments Section of this Blog

You really should!

This blog has grown an amazing community of Autistic people (and others). We have amazing discussions in the comments section and would love for you to join in. 🙂