Tag Archives: OCD

My Mind Plays Tricks On Me

Our minds are always playing tricks on us.

My mind plays tricks on me.

I get stuck cleaning the house.

Sometimes I can’t stop as I must reach every single corner.

I spend so much time cleaning

that I normally only have one or two clean rooms at a time.

My brain second (3rd and 4th) guesses everything I do.

Did I water the dog?

Did I lock the door?

Did I grab my phone (as I’m holding it my hand).

I constantly find myself turning off the inner monologue.

Sometimes I do forget things

because I refuse

to listen to the nagging.

It’s a trap waiting to suck me in and I can’t let it.

Always forcing myself to think about other things.

Sing along to the song on the radio.

Put on an audio book.

Do something.

Stop.

My brain is funny.

It can also play pleasant tricks on me.

I have joy when I am fortunate enough to have my lucky number.

Even if I know there is nothing special about numbers.

Technically they don’t even exist.

My brain craves perfection,

out of reach and

impossible.

My mind is extremely logical.

I call bull shit on myself all the time.

When I am careful and pay attention the patterns are obvious.

Some thoughts are irrational and silly.

With my little rituals,

I am safe.

Autistic Confessions – I’m an Information Addict

Hi, my name is Anna and I am addicted to information.

I’ve been reading since I was two years old. It started with children’s books but I quickly moved up to encyclopedias and dictionaries.

I had and still have Hyperlexia, a condition that is frustrating beyond all of the words that won’t come out of my mouth.

I can read and type my thoughts just fine but often appear “dingy” and confused in face to face conversations.

I absorb and understand just about everything that I read. If I am not reading I am writing about things I’ve read or obsessing over the facts that I’ve collected in my brain.

Endless information, building up my catalog – hording facts. I read science magazines, websites, books, and articles. I listen to Audible, watch documentaries and YouTube videos.

Sometimes I read so much that I run out of books or videos on a particular topic.

I can’t stop. I am addicted to information.

Anger – Asperger’s Girl Anja Melissa Explains

I don’t talk about my anger issues any more. They are behind me now and I don’t like to dwell on negative things in the past.

When I was younger I was much more explosive and even experienced the blind rage described in the video below. I’ve overcome these difficulties, with much work. Anger is a toxic emotion and I am happier when I don’t allow it to get the best of me.

Now my one HUGE pet peeve is – I HATE when someone changes my plans or interrupts me in the middle of a planned activity.

I instantly have an internal explosion of anger in my head like an atomic bomb when this happens. Its a knee-jerk reaction that I cannot. These feelings are held inside behind a smile or a downward gaze and an inhale or sigh.

I don’t know why it happens but it is distressing and illogical. I know I should not be upset by an interruption but I can’t help the way my adrenal gland fires before my logic kicks in. Something in the way I am wired. It is nice to hear that I am not the only one.

I love Anja Melissa‘s YouTube channel! Please check her out, like her videos and subscribe to her channel. She’s doing good work making these videos and educating the world.

Autistic Confessions – I Really HATE Interruptions

If you interrupt me when I am in the middle of something I may smile at you and pretend everything is okay but on on the inside I am beginning to boil. Hopefully you will let me return to my task and finish what I was doing.

Stopping in the middle of a task creates a panic in me that is hard to justify. I just need to finish what I am working on or come to a reasonable stopping point.

My working memory is tricky, and I need to do things in a particular way so that I can keep track of all the details. I leave visual cues to help me remember things and use patterns and chapter numbers as bookmarks and signals.

I need time to switch tasks. My brain sometimes gets stuck. I never show my frustration but if you keep probing me things might get tense.

People don’t seem to understand how much I really, REALLY, HATE interruptions.  They say I am childish and inflexible. So I pretend they don’t bother me – bottling everything up.

Autistic Comorbids

Many people on the Autism Spectrum have other comorbid disorders (myself included). Below are a few things that bother me even now as an adult.

Anxiety – I live in a near constant state of anxiety. The only thing that helps is my overly logical mind. I can normally “out logic” my anxiety and then distract myself. When a panic attack occurs, I can sit “calmly” on the outside and nobody would ever know anything was wrong (unless they noticed that I was a bit spaced out or tried to get me to talk).

Insomnia – my entire life. I have a hard time falling asleep and wake often. If I know that I have to get up earlier than usual in the morning my anxiety will keep me up all night in anticipation. Getting out of bed is also extremely difficult because I still feel tired.

Gastrointestinal / bowel disorders – I’ve always had problems with my stomach, as long as I can remember. There are certain foods that can trigger a horrible vomiting attack, but the main thing that seems to cause this is stress. It is possible that my stomach illness are what happens in the most extreme version of a “meltdown” but that is more of a theory for now.

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) – My teachers tried to convince my mother that I had ADHD in elementary school. I am easily distracted and have a hard time focusing on things that I am not interested in. My mind wanders off. However I have hyper-focus while working on tasks I enjoy. Luckily my mother refused to have me evaluated for ADHD because she did not want me medicated. I honestly think this is just part of the AS personality type.

Depression – it runs in my family and I now believe this is actually Autistic Burnout.

Sensory problems – most of us have these. Mine seem to worsen and become more intense when I am tired, but there are certain things I can never tolerate for long. Certain lights give me headaches and hurt my eyes. I can NOT handle the feeling of a manual toothbrush in my mouth or getting my nails filed. Also there is only a few types of socks that I can wear.

Nonverbal learning disorder – People with this disorder may not at times comprehend nonverbal cues such as facial expression or tone of voice. Has trouble interpreting nonverbal cues like facial expressions or body language and may have poor coordination. (Yes, Yes, and YES!)

Obsessive-compulsive disorder –  I have more obsessions than compulsions. Most of the time I am able to mentally talk myself out of doing something that I fell heavily compelled to do. (Although the nagging thoughts / urge to do something can linger on until I find something else to occupy my mind.)

“Obsessions themselves are the unwanted thoughts or impulses that seem to “pop up” repeatedly in the mind. These intruding thoughts can be fears, unreasonable worries, or a need to do things. When a person is tense or under stress, the obsessions can worsen.

Compulsions are the behaviors that may result from the obsessive thoughts [. . .] Compulsions may be rituals, repeating certain actions, counting, or other recurrent behaviors.”

Epilepsy  / Seizures – I have only ever had one seizure and it was at a time where I had way too much stress in my life. Perhaps this was brain overload in its most extreme form.