Tag Archives: Stigma

Autistic Confessions – Am I REALLY Autistic?

A conversation among my readers brings up an interesting common feeling among Aspies. Many of us remember reading the definition of Autism or Asperger’s before we were diagnosed. A lot of us read those words and thought – “Oh, no this is definitely not me!”

Still something doesn’t let the thoughts settle so we do a bit more digging. For me it was finding other Autistic writers in books and online. Before hearing their voices I had always felt like some creature other than human. I assumed I was a broken human, defective, odd, strange.

It started with YouTube videos, then I found blogs, and invisible disability websites. Finally after a lifetime in the dark I found my tribe. Hearing and reading voices that echoed my own gave me confidence. Before I felt broken but with the Aspies I was just another one of the group – a real life “Ugly Duckling” story.

We had things in common, many things. Things I never share with people, experiences that most people cannot relate to or understand, the way my mind works – my deepest darkest secrets. The Aspies and I had a lot in common, all the things I’ve never tried to share with other people because I knew the looks people would give me for being honest.

All this and still I wondered if I really was Autistic so I decided to seek a diagnosis. Even after getting a diagnosis I STILL wondered if I really was Autistic. The label, handed over by a doctor, seemed to imply that there was something “wrong with me” and I never felt that way – at least not in relation to the way my brain works.

One of my readers mentioned “feeling like she was not disabled” enough to be Autistic despite being officially diagnosed.

Too many medical types and non-Autistics speaking about Autism. It’s about time we start speaking for ourselves.

This is why we need more Autistic writers to speak out about what they are experiencing, so the other Aspies can wake up, stop feeling alone, and broken. There are too many lonely Autistic people in the world. I wish them truth and ease. Hopefully some day they will find their home.

It took me a long time, even after my diagnosis to fully accept the truth – especially when almost everyone I tell about my Autism won’t believe me. There are still days when I wonder.

Maybe it’s my OCD? I know it makes me second guess and doubt myself even when I KNOW I’m right.

This strange feeling that I only get on my best, healthiest, clearest mind day – am I REALLY Autistic? (Then a bad sensory day where I cannot leave the house or cry in public reminds me – still an Aspie!)

Check out the comments that inspired this blog post HERE on AnonymouslyAutistic.net.

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic #AutismAwareness #AutismAcceptance #AnonymouslyAutistic

Casting Call for Employable Me – American Documentary

This week I found an email from Liz Alderman, casting director for the documentary series “Employable Me“, looking for candidates for an American based documentary. Obviously, due to my anonymous status, I will not be appearing on TV any time soon.

However, this issue is one that is near and dear to my heart. Too many Autistic people who want to work are unemployed/underemployed. I hope this show will bring light to why companies SHOULD hire Autistic people.

Please contact Liz if you are interested and SHARE if you know someone who might be.

Employable Me SHOW GRAPHICS

ENGLAND’S CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED DOCUMENTARY TELEVISION SERIES “EMPLOYABLE ME” IS COMING TO AMERICA!

CASTING DIRECTORS ARE SEEKING PEOPLE WITH NEURO-DIVERSE CONDITIONS OR DISABILITIES WHO HAVE STRUGGLED TO FIND LONG TERM EMPLOYMENT WHO WOULD LIKE ASSISTANCE IN THEIR SEARCH FOR WORK.

Optomen Productions is looking for people with neuro-diverse conditions and disabilities who would like our assistance finding employment, and who are willing to share their job search journey with the American television viewing audience by being a part of our critically acclaimed documentary television series, EMPLOYABLE ME.

EMPLOYABLE ME seeks to prove that having a neurological condition or disability should be viewed as an ASSET rather than an obstacle in the workplace.

High profile, aspirational companies and brands are beginning to discover the benefits of recruiting from the ranks of the disabled and those whose “brains are wired differently.”

What if your “disabilities” turned out to be a strength?  What if your condition actually gave you skills that were a virtue rather than a hindrance?  What if they turned out to be invaluable qualities that put you AHEAD of rival candidates?

We all deserve a role in society and the opportunity to pay our way. The job-seekers selected to appear on our documentary series will be encouraged to unlock their hidden talents with the help of experts and specialists so they can at long last find the job that best suits their unique skill sets and strengths.

That’s what this show is about: the struggle to belong and play your part. The disabled just need a chance for people to see what they can do, rather than concentrating on what they can’t.

 

Take a look at these inspiring highlights from our hit series to date:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0755nyq/clips

 

And view a full episode of our courageous series here:

https://vimeo.com/162540081

PASSWORD: job123

The bottom line is, a diverse workforce can be great for a business and this series wants to dramatically shake up the system to prove it.

Please pass this casting call along!  Television producers and casting directors like myself rely heavily on personal recommendations and word-of-mouth referrals to find interested and qualified people.  We appreciate your help!

Contact Liz.Alderman@OptomenUSA.com for more information on how to be considered for this opportunity. 

Optomen Productions produces hundreds of hours of television each year for many of the major cable and broadcast networks including Food Network, Travel Channel, Nat Geo Wild, Animal Planet, Investigation Discovery and Bravo.  Our most successful series include Worst Cooks in America and Mysteries at the Museum.  Visit http://www.optomenproductions.com/ for more information about our company.

Oh the Ways We Love to Stim

People often ask about stimming. It is something that “normal people” have trouble understanding.

Most people stim. Have you ever clicked a pen while thinking, swished your tongue around in the roof of your mouth, strummed your fingers tapped your toes. Some stims are less noticeable and are considered “socially acceptable” and “normal”.

I stim more than “normal people” but less than some Autistics. Growing up undiagnosed forced me to learn to hide what was not socially acceptable. Thinks like rocking and making funny sounds, though soothing and helpful, will get you funny looks. These things I love are not typically welcome in the workplace.

Alone I am left to stim freely, I like to jump, rock, and bounce about, sometimes doing things that would make people question my sanity – but it feels good, oh so good. Releasing so much tension, taking a break, shake it off, reset.

In public I do thinks like rub my hands, fingertips and wrists. I play with my phone or a necklace or bracelet. I tap my toes under the table and stretch in my seat. Sitting still is hard work and eventually I have to release the pressure.

Fidget toys, scented oils, snacks, playing with my laptop mouse, or swirling the spoon in my tea so I can listen to the sounds of the cup. Even if people don’t notice I am stimming constantly, regulating, focusing, trying to keep from being overwhelmed.

Sometimes I stim when I am uncomfortable. Stimming helps me relax. Sometimes I stim when I need a break. Stimming helps me focus. Sometimes I stim if I am anxious. Stimming can help me think.

Stimming can take me to another place or help me deal with what is happening in front of me. When things get bad I can always stim.

 

What IS Autism – From An Autistic’s Perspective

A reader asked if I had a blog post that described what Autism is. I started to say that this entire blog gives great first hand information from Autistic people.

Our experience can not really be summed up in a one page post. There are a lot of things that make us different.

First I want to say that each and every Autistic person experiences the world in a very different way so what I state below may not be true for everyone. I am going to go over some generalizations that are true for me, also taking in mind what has been shared with my by my amazing readers.

We tend to struggle with spoken communication but many of us do VERY well behind a keyboard.  We can have tricky short-term / working memories but a LOT of us have long-term memories that are FOREVER. We need time to process and go over things but once we understand something it stays in our minds (or that is how it is for me). Time to organize and prepare thoughts is essential for me because of this.

Many of us have sensory sensitivities. Bright lighting can cause chronic migraines and other illnesses. I can hear everything which is unpleasant because I can’t tune individual things out. My hearing is essentially so sensitive that I can’t hear conversations in busy rooms. Not to mention the distraction of every small noise seeming VERY loud. Clothing can be itchy and irritating. Tags and socks are the worst and certain grooming activities can be extremely uncomfortable. Getting a mani-pedi is NOT relaxing for me. Even getting a massage is difficult because of another person touching me can make me want to jump up and run.

I have a hard time sitting still. Our bodies (and minds) crave constant motion. I am always playing with something rocking in my chair, humming or singing. This is called stimming. It is a regulatory behavior and helps with sensory input, relaxation, and focus. I also speak to myself out loud a lot. These things “normal people” don’t tend to accept but we REALLY need them to.

Many Autistic people have comorbid conditions – other illnesses with their Autism. Some examples are insomnia, epilepsy, IBS, OCD, anxiety, depression, migraines, apraxia, ataxia, sensory processing disorder, the list goes on. These, in my mind, are not Autism but rather Autism related conditions. They differ from person to person.

Autistic people can be extremely intelligent but learning disabilities and intellectual disabilities can also happen with Autism. Just like “normal people” our IQ’s are all over the place. People often assume Autistic people all have intellectual disabilities. I prefer to think of it as a difference. Also EVEN non-verbal (non-speaking) Autistic people can fall into the “high IQ” category. Never assume an Autistic person cant’ understand you.

I can speak but am not as good at it as most “normal people” but there are a lot of Autistic people who have apraxia of speech. This means they may have all the words and thoughts inside BUT the mouth pieces don’t move. For some reason the brain can’t tell the mouth and related parts how to work. Some children speak late and others never speak. I had no speech delay.

Dyslexia and Hyperlexia are also common in Autism. I am Hyperlexic.

Our brains tend to be spiky. We can be far above average in some pretty random areas, art, math, music, memorizing, writing, or not. At the same time our deficits in the areas that don’t develop as fully can be perplexing to the word’s general population.

For example – my conversational skills are so limited that I can NOT tell when my turn to talk is. My solution? Don’t talk. Before I stopped talking people kept calling me rude but I was doing my best. I never wanted to be rude. I’ve become more quiet and contemplative – more of an observer than I used to be. Actually this has been an improvement.

Autism is invisible. Unless I am stimming wildly in a chair or flapping my arms wildly you would not see my Autism – and these are things I do in private. Any time I try to share with someone that I am Autistic, a 34 year old woman who appears to have it together, I am dismissed.

I try to share mostly when I am looking for some understanding about an accommodation that I am about to ask for. I ask for little things – natural light, a quiet spot, to be able to take notes on a laptop.

Often people tell me I don’t “need” these things and that I am making excuses for myself. I just want to do my best. This is the hard part, when you ask for help and people say “nobody else will have that” or “it’s not fair to play favorites” even better “you already have it pretty good”.

Summing it up in a blog comment or post is impossible. Please dear readers, I ask that you provide your own experience in the comments so that the world may someday redefine wheat Autism is from OUR perspective.

 

With love,

Anonymously Autistic

“Anna”

 

#ActuallyAutistic #InvisibleAutism #AutismAwareness #SheCantBeAutistc #AnonymouslyAutistic

 

 

Autistic Confessions – Intrusive Thoughts

Intrusive thoughts – I’ve had them since I was a child, although the older I get (due to continuing great effort on my part) the more manageable these things have become.

When I was a child, I remember being disturbed by some of the things that would randomly pop into my head. Very quickly my inner monologue would begin to obsess over what ever horror I had just seen or thought.

“Why I am I thinking about that? Is this going to happen? Do I want this to happen? What’s wrong with me? This is not normal.” 

As a child I was convinced I would grow up locked away. One day my mind would crack and all the crazy would fall out, people would know, and they would put me away. It sounds ridiculous but this fear was very real to me for many years. It never fully vanished until my Autism diagnosis.

I’ve learned to manage things. I’ve learned to recognize the patterns in my mind (most of the time). When I see myself slipping into that same old spiral it’s time to move my mind to something else – a distraction.

Turn on the radio and sing out loud. Blast your stereo and dance until the nagging fades away. Write a poem, make a sketch, go for a run, or a walk. Get out of your head – turn it off, make it stop. If you go there the trap will have you deep in the dark.

Autistic Confessions – I Just Want to Be Alone – The Stigma of Solitude

I love being alone. In fact, like most introverts, I need to be alone in order to recharge my batteries.

The difference between me and most introverts is that they still “need” or “crave” social activities and being around other people. I simply don’t and never have.

Always alone, when I was young and through my teen years (and even part of my adult-hood) people made me feel like my tendency towards solitude was pathological. I remember my parents and grandparents trying to force me to go out with friends / leave the house.

They forced e so hard, insisting that I make friends or be lonely, but I had almost no friends.

I’ve always had a pattern of only having one friend at a time and hanging out in groups has never been fun for me. Having more than one or two friends is still very difficult for me.

Your whole life people tell you you will be lonely if you don’t have friends but I feel most alone when I am around the wrong people or even worse too many people. I never feel alone when I am on my own working on something I am passionate about.

To be perfectly honest sometimes I feel more affection towards my projects than for most people. I am very task driven and calculated. People often take my seriousness for coldness. The few who know me well know me as funny and warm.

One on one interactions are great if they are with the right person.  I can even do groups of up to three people if I keep the interactions short. More people needs to equal a shorter interaction for me.

Also, I am not opposed to meaningful conversations. The minute people start talking about pop culture and other mindless garbage my mind wanders. I am off in my own head until something brings me back to reality.

Neurotypicals or “normal people” take for granted things that are a LOT of work for me. Simple things, like figuring out when it’s your turn to talk. Despite focusing almost ALL my brain power on timing in conversations STILL I manage to mess this up every time.

Even when I am having a great time being social, my brain wears down fast when I have to focus on conversations. It is real work for me. The more conversations and the more people at a gathering the faster I drain out.

I’ve heard the clever term social hangover. For me this is a very accurate description.

By the time I am done with a 2 hour hangout with 4 people I am feeling dead and drained. It takes me a full day to recover from most social interactions. Add more people or more hours and I need even more time to recharge.

I can only handle one or two of these a month or I start to have an increased frequency of indigestion and meltdowns.

When my job started having one or two social things a month I stopped hanging out with the few friends I had. The truth is now all my social energy is spent on coworkers who I don’t relate to – because I am trying my hardest to “play the game.”

I turn down as many office happy hours as I can, but still feel like I don’t attend as many as they want me to.

Social politics in the work place are hard on us Aspies but we can’t escape them. If we want to succeed in an office we have to learn the patterns and unspoken rules (I hate unspoken rules – I like CLEAR rules).

If we can’t figure out the mysteries of the office we have to make our own way somehow or risk being stuck in a career that doesn’t fulfill. We are often under paid and under appreciated in the work place because we don’t kiss ass and “play the games” that our neurotypical peers do.

Without these skills we are at a disadvantage. There is pressure to fit in.

My hyper-social coworkers who like to go out several nights a week think being out and social is normal but for me a night at home is more acceptable. I am “antisocial” a “recluse” “book worm” and “introvert”. So many titles.

Why does wanting to stay in even need a title? Why does society shun the loner? There is nothing wrong with me wanting to spend most of my time alone. If I am truly happy what is the problem?

Its time we break the stigma on solitude.

 

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic #AnonymouslyAutistic #InvisibleAutism

Why I’ll Always be Anonymously Autistic – The Unicorn Theory

Sometimes Aspies are caught off by my blog’s title. People ask me if I am Anonymously Autistic because I am ashamed of my Autism. My long time readers know me better than than that, but some of you are new. Welcome, please allow me to explain.

I started this blog anonymously because I love my privacy, not out of a shame for my Autism.

In fact, I quickly realized that I needed to share so others could see Autism from my perspective. Some days suck, but over all I love my life and would never want to be “normal” or Neurotypical.

I generally keep to myself with personal things. Speaking about matters of the heart has never been easy for me, so I don’t. This blog became a place where I do something completely out of character – share my feelings.

For me, it is easier if the people around me don’t know my feelings or else they may ask me about them and I would be forced into unwanted conversations. I enjoy talking about my passions and other matters, but my feelings and emotions have always been sacred to me in a way.

The more I write the more confident I get in speaking about Autism. Most of my problems come from when ever I share. I hide my emotions and keep things to myself. People don’t get to know me and don’t see my Autism.

Always calm and composed (because I always run away and hide before I fall apart). It looks like I’ve got it in control. Nobody ever sees me struggle.

People say these things in the nicest ways, they have NO idea how much their words hurt or how wrong they are.

“You’re not really Autistic right? It’s a misdiagnosis?”

“Asperger’s? You are too nice you definitely don’t have that! I can’t believe it.”

“Are you sure? Have you gotten a second opinion?”

“You are NOT Autistic.”

“There is nothing wrong with you. I think you are great!”

“We’re all a little different.”

Or when you ask for accommodations for sensory troubles.

“Everyone likes natural light. Its not fair to give you special treatment.”

“I know you said you wanted to meet in a quiet space, but I think you will love this bar.”

“It’s not that bad. Look everyone else is having fun.”

“I think you can do it, if you try harder.”

“Don’t make excuses.”

Worse is when they say nothing at all. When you say something they give you a look. Doubt. I recognize it now that I’ve seen it over and over again.

The face people make when they think you are telling them a decelerate lie.  It is a look that stops me cold in my tracks and is the reason I’ve stopped mentioning my Autism in face to face conversations laity.

I have a theory that if people saw a unicorn in a field of horses they would mistake it for a white horse, because they do not believe unicorns exist.

I am feeling a bit like that unicorn. People can’t see me because they don’t know that Aspies like me are out there.

A unicorn, something that challenges their beliefs. I am right in their faces and they can’t even see me.

 

#InvisibleAutism #ActuallyAutistic #AnonymouslyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic

Taking The Easy Route – A Poem About Invisible Illness

How dare you say I’m taking the easy route

When you have no idea what I’m going through

You tell me I’m not trying

But this is all I’ve got

Sometimes just doing normal things

Takes up all my energy

There are days when normal life experiences

Make me physically ill

Work a little harder you say

I keep pushing

Pushing myself to exhaustion

Just trying to keep up

You’re not stupid – you say

Trying to pay me a compliment

Look it’s not that hard

This is all you do

But for me it is difficult

You make these things look easy

and can’t understand why I can’t

So you say I’m taking the easy way

Because life’s so hard I will take a break

Where I can get one

Always looking for the easy way out

Poems about Autism & Invisible Illness. These are the one sided conversations in my head. Things I never say face to face – because most things process on a delay. In the moment I often know I am upset but not exactly why. It is frustrating.

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic #InvisibleAustim #AnonymouslyAutistic

I Want to Encourage Everyone to Write

Writing is therapy and can be a key to better self understanding. We all have stories to tell and lessons learned. When we share we give others the opportunity to learn.

Write – even if you never share your world with anyone.

Pour your soul out onto the pages (digital or hand written). Let your thoughts come to life. Often I am surprised at what comes out when I am behind a keyboard. There is a flow when I am comfortable and relaxed.

In face to face interactions I am not nearly as eloquent. Sometimes I am just struggling to keep pace with a conversation – my brain tends to save information to process later. This is inefficient when speaking to people. By the time I am ready to contribute often the topic has already been changed.

My social differences are often misunderstood by my peers. I don’t need to look at people when they are talking to me – and listen best if I don’t try to. People often think I am rude, daydreaming, or not paying attention. They don’t understand that my brain works differently.

I started this blog out of frustration. When everywhere I go everyone misunderstands or underestimates me. If I tell people I am Autistic they say things like “you seem to have grown out of it” or “you don’t seem autistic”.

The picture they have of Autism is one that was sold in movies and on the internet.

It is a boy who cannot speak, an adult who may never live on their own, or someone who bangs their head against walls (I do this but not hard enough to hurt much).

An attractive woman who appears to have it all together is NOT what they imagine when you say “Autism” and they can’t easily adjust the pictures in their minds.

Neurotypicals tend to have more of a “hive mind” than Aspies do. They tend to follow popular opinions and are often hesitant to stray from what is considered “common knowledge”.

I can only see one fix for this problem – change what is “common knowledge”.

Aspies are wired to be individuals we don’t care about what others think – unless we are taught to care what others think (then we can become overly eager to please). We tend to be very analytical – sometime to the point of over analyzing.

Many of us thrive in solitude and are often accused of being “antisocial” and other negative terms.

People have a hard time accepting what they don’t understand. That is why it is so important that we all share our stories. Everyone has a story to tell.

Do something with yours – even if it is all you’ve got. Maybe you will change the world.

 

#SheCantBeAutistic #ActuallyAutistic #AnonymouslyAutistic #InvisibleAutism

Trying to Explain Autistic Adults at the Dentist – We Blend In Better Than Autistic Children

I had a dental appointment this morning, a semiannual cleaning that takes a lot out of me due to my sensory sensitivities.

Up until this point I’d never fully disclosed my Autism to my dentist or the hygienist who cleans my mouth. In the past I’ve mentioned light sensitivities, high pain tolerances, and poor body temperature regulation (partial disclosure) but never used the word Autism.

Today, because part of my new years mission is to spread more Autism awareness, I told my secret.

I should be used to the responses people give my by now, but for some reason they always catch me off guard – “I never would have guessed. We have Autism in our family – nephews (young people). You hide it well.”

Even more I hated myself for my response to the comment. All I could think to say as I stood dumbfounded was “thank you” and I hated myself for even speaking those words.

My Autism is not something that I want to hide. I am not ashamed of being Autistic because I know that Autism makes me who I am.

I continued to share that “as I’ve grown up there are tricks that I’ve picked up along the way, allowing me to blend in and more easily manage in society. I have worked very hard to get to where I am now.”

In my mind we shared some understanding in that moment. I like to think that I was not dismissed as misdiagnosed or lying because often people don’t believe me when I tell them I’m Autistic.

There was so much more that I wanted to tell – how I meditate constantly and practice mindfulness to keep my anxiety under control. I wanted to share that me passing is a lot of work.

So much to say when you have metal tools in your mouth. There was no good time for further elaboration but I hoped for understanding of how hard it was for me to sit still while they probed around in my mouth.

Finally, as an adult, I am able to force myself (with great mental effort) to sit still through the entire dental cleaning.

At first glance it may appear as if I am calm and still but the reality is something far different.

My heart is racing and my hearing is fuzzy. As I lay flat on the dental chair my body is tense and I am pressing myself down with every muscle in my body, attempting to melt into the chair so I do not run away.

I wear sunglasses to block out the light and ear plugs to dampen the drills but still the excessive unpleasant physical contact is an assault to my senses.

Somehow I always manage to push through these draining experiences.

By the time I get home my head is pounding and my mind is fuzzy.

It is still very difficult but now as an Autistic adult I am finally able to get through an ordeal that was nearly intolerable as an Autistic child.

I am grateful for the small accomplishments. Learning to sit still while people touch me took  years of practice, determination, and hard work.

 

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic #AnonymouslyAutistic #InvisibleAutism #InvisibleDisability