I’ve got a trigger-hair panic reaction. Its like my startle response is tuned way up higher than the average person. I try very hard to control it but I am still easily startled.
When someone drops something, pops a balloon, closes a door, or makes any other sudden sound it makes my heart race. Adrenaline pumps through my body and by breath speeds up. I practice slow breathing concentrating on my feet and breath willing the panic to stop – but why does this happen so often?
Its not just sounds that set off my fear response. I feel like things around me are constantly triggering it. For example catching something unexpected in my fiend of vision is equally disturbing.
Other things that make me panic are surprises, not knowing what is going on, and conversations with strangers. Any time I have to speak using words in a meeting, even if it is a one on one meeting, my armpits and hands sweat as my heart races.
Although I am always fighting this invisible battle, it’s like panic is my default response to things. Nobody sees me stress but inside is a tornado of emotions. Desperately I seek control of the whirling monster inside of me.
The anxiety is always trying to overcome me and it is constant. I have been living in a state of anxiety for most of my life – it should be no wonder my health is not great. The toll it is taking on me is becoming more and more obvious.
There are certain things that ease me, writing, exercising, creating, learning, meditation, and long walks. I am working hard to calm the beast because I worry my anxiety may be the source of most of my issues.
This is a fight I have to win.