Category Archives: Confessions

Autistic Confessions – I Just Want to Be Alone – The Stigma of Solitude

I love being alone. In fact, like most introverts, I need to be alone in order to recharge my batteries.

The difference between me and most introverts is that they still “need” or “crave” social activities and being around other people. I simply don’t and never have.

Always alone, when I was young and through my teen years (and even part of my adult-hood) people made me feel like my tendency towards solitude was pathological. I remember my parents and grandparents trying to force me to go out with friends / leave the house.

They forced e so hard, insisting that I make friends or be lonely, but I had almost no friends.

I’ve always had a pattern of only having one friend at a time and hanging out in groups has never been fun for me. Having more than one or two friends is still very difficult for me.

Your whole life people tell you you will be lonely if you don’t have friends but I feel most alone when I am around the wrong people or even worse too many people. I never feel alone when I am on my own working on something I am passionate about.

To be perfectly honest sometimes I feel more affection towards my projects than for most people. I am very task driven and calculated. People often take my seriousness for coldness. The few who know me well know me as funny and warm.

One on one interactions are great if they are with the right person.  I can even do groups of up to three people if I keep the interactions short. More people needs to equal a shorter interaction for me.

Also, I am not opposed to meaningful conversations. The minute people start talking about pop culture and other mindless garbage my mind wanders. I am off in my own head until something brings me back to reality.

Neurotypicals or “normal people” take for granted things that are a LOT of work for me. Simple things, like figuring out when it’s your turn to talk. Despite focusing almost ALL my brain power on timing in conversations STILL I manage to mess this up every time.

Even when I am having a great time being social, my brain wears down fast when I have to focus on conversations. It is real work for me. The more conversations and the more people at a gathering the faster I drain out.

I’ve heard the clever term social hangover. For me this is a very accurate description.

By the time I am done with a 2 hour hangout with 4 people I am feeling dead and drained. It takes me a full day to recover from most social interactions. Add more people or more hours and I need even more time to recharge.

I can only handle one or two of these a month or I start to have an increased frequency of indigestion and meltdowns.

When my job started having one or two social things a month I stopped hanging out with the few friends I had. The truth is now all my social energy is spent on coworkers who I don’t relate to – because I am trying my hardest to “play the game.”

I turn down as many office happy hours as I can, but still feel like I don’t attend as many as they want me to.

Social politics in the work place are hard on us Aspies but we can’t escape them. If we want to succeed in an office we have to learn the patterns and unspoken rules (I hate unspoken rules – I like CLEAR rules).

If we can’t figure out the mysteries of the office we have to make our own way somehow or risk being stuck in a career that doesn’t fulfill. We are often under paid and under appreciated in the work place because we don’t kiss ass and “play the games” that our neurotypical peers do.

Without these skills we are at a disadvantage. There is pressure to fit in.

My hyper-social coworkers who like to go out several nights a week think being out and social is normal but for me a night at home is more acceptable. I am “antisocial” a “recluse” “book worm” and “introvert”. So many titles.

Why does wanting to stay in even need a title? Why does society shun the loner? There is nothing wrong with me wanting to spend most of my time alone. If I am truly happy what is the problem?

Its time we break the stigma on solitude.

 

#ActuallyAutistic #SheCantBeAutistic #AnonymouslyAutistic #InvisibleAutism

Autistic Confessions – I Literally Don’t Know How to “Talk” About My Autism (but I CAN Write it)

It is beyond frustrating that every single time I try to talk to someone in a face to face conversation about Autism and how it applies to me I am unable to make a clear point. What drives me crazy is if I am alone in a room I can easily type something up. Does this happen to anyone else?

People being near me scatters my brain unless I can tune them out – even people I like but it is WORSE with strangers.

This doesn’t just happen with Autism it also happens to other topics that I could write books about. I try to explain something to someone and  can tell they are completely lost.  Asking if I can send them an email later will raise an eyebrow. What is an Aspie with verbal communication impairments to do?

Oh – tell my readers!

What IS this? Do you experience it?

 

With love and curiosity,

Anonymously Autistic

“Anna”

Autistic Confessions – I’m Always Early

I try to make sure I arrive EARLY for everything even if that means I am sitting in my car for a half hour before I need to go inside.

Being early is good for my mental health. I have less stress when I give myself extra time for things.

Being late is bad for me. If I am late to thinks I get VERY anxious. I start to panic when I am driving so I always give myself extra time whenever I have to drive.

Some jobs are more lenient – my current one is very flexible and this helps to alleviate some of my stress. Still I have a strong desire to be early and a huge aversion to being late.

An anxiety driven monster – running from the clock.

That is why I am always early.

 

Autistic Confessions – I Don’t Want To Rock & Roll All Night

I have a hard time making connections with people through face to face interactions. Something inside me doesn’t allow me to bond to people partially – I have close friends (very few), colleagues (people who think they know me), and strangers.

There are no shades of grey with me. Things are black and white most of the time.

I am friendly with everyone but unless you earn your way into my inner circle I will keep you at a distance. Most people have lost interest in any type of relationship by the time I’ve come to my decision about weather someone is trustworthy or not.

Being unable to read body language and faces puts me at a disadvantage in social situations and makes it harder for me to get a feel for people. I’m painfully aware of this disability and it has made me overly cautious, because people have taken advantage of my  naivety in the past.

Face to face interactions with people can be very draining for me, even when in the company of good friends. Too many people in one room can be disorienting. I can’t function in an overly busy environment. It’s hard to filter out all the voices.

I don’t care for alcohol and parties with bumping bass music and throbbing lights leave me wanting to run like a rodent in the night.

These are the things my peers bond over and enjoy – these are the things I want to avoid.

I don’t want to rock and roll all night or party every day.

 

 

Tired of Passing – Washing Away The Alter Ego

For most of my life I’ve always been two people.

As we get ready for 2017 here is my new years resolution / goal. I want to be more authentic. I want to be more true and compassionate for myself.

I feel like it started in elementary school as some sort of survival mechanism – there was the “home me” and the “school me”. My mother would often remark how other people’s parents (and other adults) often said I was perfectly behaved while under their care. My mother complained that should be able to act polite at home too.

This character was all an act, working hard to behave in a way that others would expect. Often bullied, I was desperately trying to be like everyone else.

As I grew older, hitting puberty, I got to be that age where I thought I knew everything. Still undiagnosed, I assumed everyone around me put up the same chameleon act that I did.

Living my life more and more in the shoes of the chameleon and spending less time being authentic was damaging to my mental health. Eventually I began to loose track of who I really was. I was longing for authenticity but which person was the real me?

“School Me” became “Work Me” and now there is the “Me” who writes blogs and the me who takes care of her family. So many versions of myself – and I want to be the best one.

Chameleon Woman – blending in where ever she goes. Laity blending in has been difficult, as I push myself towards my mental limits. Certain Aspie traits have become more obvious.

I don’t want to live my life in shame.

Slowly I’m letting my alter ego go, learning her lessons as I wash her away. I want to lead an authentic life, no more fallacies, and pretending to enjoy things I hate.

It’s time to be real. It’s time for honesty. Moving forward with authenticity – embracing all my strengths and weaknesses.

 

Meltdowns Suck, I Hate Crying In Public, & No I Can’t Turn it Off

My mental profile is SO spiky. I am extremely gifted at a few things but certain things I can’t handle.

Last minute schedule changes  stress me out. Meltdowns are the worst and  having one in public is embarrassing as hell. A woman in her mid-thirties crying like a child.  I hide and cry. This also happens anytime someone I trust misleads me (because I trust few people).

Sometimes if the schedule change is big enough I will go into a full blown panic. It is worse if I feel like I am trapped and can’t say no – I feel like I am drowning every time this happens. I know how to recover from them but they are not under my control.

My meltdown is NOT a tantrum – it is a very true expression of inner feelings that I can no longer contain. The dam has broken and a flood is imminent. Everything I’ve been holding in has got to come out.

People think I am being dramatic or exaggerating things but I literally can’t stop a meltdown. In addition the thing that I am reacting to may seem very small to them. They don’t see things from my perspective or know all the other factors that went into building that meltdown.

Maybe someone I love just passed away, or I am feeling sick, maybe I am having horrible PMS, or trouble sleeping, sometimes my social anxiety gets out of control.

These are the disabling things I don’t talk about.

I tend to bottle everything up, which can’t be healthy, and eventually like a can of frozen soda – when the pressure becomes too great, I POP! I’ve done this all my life.

It’s too late once a meltdown has started, they have to run their course – sometimes if I get away fast enough I can help one pass more quickly.

While meltdowns are physically and mentally painful and I NEVER want to have one, sometimes the relief felt after one is amazing especially if you’ve been under extra stress.

I always feel worn out afterwards, like someone who has had a seizure, or an orgasm. Sometimes I feel naked and exposed meltdowns make you feel vulnerable and out of control.

Please be compassionate next time you see a thirty-something woman crying in public, you don’t know what she’s got going on.

She might be autistic, she might be stressed, she might even be me. 😉

 

My Biggest Secret – I’m Smart!

Most people who meet me have no idea. I  am a fly on the wall or a clown making jokes, deflecting from my deepest darkest secret. Nobody would ever guess, because my verbal (spoke) vocabulary is nothing particularly remarkable.

People sometimes describe me as “funny, silly, and quirky”. My coworkers describe me as “positive, friendly, warm, and kind”. Apparently the word feels as if I am a bubbly personality – they have no idea of the deep dark secret hiding within me.

Nobody knows that I am smart. I don’t run around wearing my IQ (144 SD15) on my blouse. That number is subjective.

If a cat tell’s a fish he is stupid because he cannot climb a tree he will never appreciate that the fish can breath under water – the cat cannot breath under water. The fish and the cat are different not less (as Temple Grandin said).

Most day’s I don’t feel particularly smart. I am great at problem solving, writing, and other random things, but sometimes struggle  greatly with basic life skills.

It is a frustrating enigma. People often say things like “you’re too smart for this” – I remember my mother saying this to me repeatedly through my childhood. Whenever I make a mistake it is always “because I am not trying hard enough”.

Growing up you learn that bragging does not bring you many friends and your parents beg you to stay humble so you hide your talents. Hidden under the dirt  and rocks your beauty can not shine.

My readers – you are my dear friends. Nobody knows my secret but you. Please do not spread this information around because nobody who meets me would ever believe it. 😉

Let your light glow. Do the things you love, be yourself, sing off key.

We are all smart in different ways. You cannot test a cat and a fish for the same skills.

Autistic Confessions – I Can’t Follow (Spoken) Directions

I can’t follow verbal instructions – unless you give me each item one step at a time.

Spoken words are often misheard due to sensory issues so it is easy for me to misunderstand verbal directions.

If you start to give me a list of things to do and I can’t find a notepad I may start to panic.

If we are out in public and you tell me I need to remember to do something later – it probably won’t happen.

My working memory is not great and I have to make checklists and keep a calendar to stay organized.

If I am trying to hold information in my brain (by saying the thing over and over again in my head) and someone interrupts me mid task the information is lost forever – even if it’s something simple like a first and last name.

Typed or written instructions are best for me, this allows me time to translate the task into my own way of thinking – which is primarily visual.

Also, because I tend to take things very literally, this allows me time to question if my assumptions about the instructions make since – preventing embarrassing mistakes.

Please don’t tell me what you need me to do – unless you know I’m ready to write things down. I hate letting people down but I REALLY can’t follow spoken directions

 

 

Autistic Confessions I Had a Meltdown at Work

The woman on the phone was not listening. I had called her for help and quickly realized that she would not be able to help me.

“I told her never-mind. I’ve made a mistake. I’m going to let you go.” She kept asking questions. Every question she asked I said – “I don’t know. I don’t have any more information. I am going to let you go.”

She kept asking. I told her again – “I need to let you go. You cannot help me.” Her overly helpful insistence that I not hang up the phone was about to make me blow up.

Finally, in a harsh tone I told her – “Look – I was trying to be nice but I am hanging up now because there is NOTHING you can do for me.”

I slammed down the phone and ran quickly out of our office in a panic. My heart was beating fast and my mind was racing. Everything was a blur. I wanted to scream, cry, and hit someone. More than anything I wanted to get away and be alone.

Run. Run. Escape. Escape.

Bursting into the hallway I frantically looked both ways – I wanted to go someplace without people. The bathroom? Elevator? Emergency stairwell! 

Hyperventilating I burst into the stairwell. It was dark and quiet as most people take the elevator. I rand up and down the stairs until finally I collapsed exhausted on the bottom floor.

I sat for a moment, curled in a ball rocking. Grateful for the moment alone – I sat breathing in and listening to my breaths.

Coming back to reality, feeling much better after my tiny explosion (this was a very small meltdown), I realized that I had left my key-card in the desk as I ran out in a panic, so I exited the stairwell and took the elevator back to my floor.

Back at my desk I sat down like nothing ever happened – as if I hadn’t just had a meltdown at work.

When an Autistic person is having a meltdown they are unable to think clearly. The flight or fight response is triggered so forcing them to engage with you can actually cause more stress.

We are all unique individuals but I like to be alone during a meltdown. If I get up and run away don’t chase me – this is flight and if you corner me my brain can switch to fight. I’m on autopilot and running has become the way I protect myself (and those around me).

If I’m having a meltdown please do not touch me. My senses are whirling out of proportion and I am not thinking clearly. I may become unable to communicate other than one word answers and trying to communicate makes me feel worse – so don’t ask me explain what’s happening.

If you are in the room with an Autistic person having a meltdown – turn off the lights, get them a blanket or pillow and some space. A favorite stim toy might also be a good thing to offer.

You can stay in the room if the person you are with does not mind, but give some space and sit quietly.  Accept that they can’t control what is happening to them. Sometimes we feel the meltdown coming but other times it hits without warning.

Once started the meltdown has to run its course. Just wait, let me meltdown and don’t try to stop it. We may feel tired after a meltdown but sometimes we may feel a relief as the pressure may have been building for quite sometime.

Remember – as hard as watching a meltdown may be for you having a meltdown is horrible for an Autistic person. The pain is mental and physical. Autistic people having meltdowns are in crisis mode and our brains are lashing out at us. We don’t mean to freak out and are often embarrassed after having a meltdown.

#ActuallyAutistic

Autistic Confessions – I Don’t Handle Last Minute Changes Very Well

When I set out to do something I need to know the end time and like to know what to expect.

For example if I go to an event, even a very busy and loud event with lots of people, I am able to get through it as long as I know when I will be leaving. During the event, I conserve my energy accordingly so I can last.

If you make me stay later at an event I may not have enough energy to get myself home without breaking down. I try to hold things in but depending on how much longer things run, I might cry or have a meltdown .

Another example is when guests visit. I need to know how late people will stay. If my guests stay extra days it will stress me out because I won’t be able to recharge while there are extra people in the house. Entertaining is exhausting to me.

A last minute request as I am planning to leave work can send me into a silent rage, but will smile and act like everything is alright even though I am panicking inside and the world is swirling.

Even if I smile and agree – I need to stick to the plan and last minute changes stress me out.