Growing up, I didn’t realize how much of the world operates on unwritten rules—those invisible social guidelines that everyone seems to know instinctively. Smile at strangers. Laugh at jokes, even if they aren’t funny. Say, “How are you?” even if you don’t really want to know.
For me, these rules were like trying to follow a script written in a foreign language. I spent most of my childhood breaking them without even realizing it. Teachers called me “disruptive.” Classmates said I was “weird.” Adults told me to “be polite” without explaining what that actually meant.
So, I made my own rules.
How My Rules Began
The first rule I remember creating was when I was 8 years old. My teacher scolded me for not saying “thank you” when someone passed me a pencil. I hadn’t meant to be rude—I just didn’t think it was necessary. But the look on her face told me I’d done something wrong.
That night, I wrote my first rule: Say thank you when someone gives you something.
By the time I was in high school, I had dozens of rules, scribbled in notebooks or memorized like mantras. Rules for making eye contact (but not too much). Rules for starting conversations. Rules for knowing when to leave a party.
These rules became my survival kit—a way to navigate a world that didn’t make sense.
The Ten Rules I Live By
Here are some of the rules that have stuck with me over the years:
- Smile when people say hi. Even if you’re tired or overwhelmed, a quick smile helps people feel comfortable.
- Don’t bring up your special interests unless asked. Most people don’t want to hear about the history of fonts for 45 minutes.
- Wait for a pause before speaking. This one’s tricky, because pauses can feel eternal. But it’s better than interrupting.
- Compliment something about the person you’re talking to. It makes them feel seen, and it’s a good way to start a conversation.
- Don’t talk too much. Limit yourself to a few sentences at a time, then let the other person respond.
- Keep your hands busy in public. Fidget toys, a necklace, or even a pen can help you stim discreetly.
- Say goodbye before leaving. Even if you’re overwhelmed, don’t just disappear—it confuses people.
- Ask follow-up questions about people’s lives. If someone mentions their dog, ask how their dog is doing the next time you see them.
- Be polite, but set boundaries. Saying “no” doesn’t make you rude.
- Forgive yourself when you mess up. You’re human. It’s okay.
Why These Rules Matter
My rules aren’t about pretending to be someone I’m not—they’re about making life easier for myself and the people around me.
For example, Rule #3 (wait for a pause before speaking) isn’t just for other people’s benefit. It also helps me avoid the guilt and frustration of accidentally interrupting. Rule #9 (set boundaries) reminds me that it’s okay to prioritize my needs, even if it means disappointing someone.
These rules are my way of finding balance—a way to navigate a neurotypical world without losing myself.
When My Rules Fail
Of course, my rules don’t always work.
Last year, I went to a networking event where I tried to follow all my social rules: smiling, making small talk, asking follow-up questions. But halfway through, I ran out of energy. My mask started to slip, and I could feel the stares as I quietly excused myself to the bathroom.
Sitting in the stall, I replayed every conversation in my head, obsessing over what I might have done wrong. Did I talk too much? Did I not laugh enough? Did I come across as rude?
That’s the thing about living by rules: when you break them, the shame can be overwhelming.
Visual Snapshot
I’m sitting in my favorite coffee shop, tucked into a corner table where I can see the whole room. My notebook is open in front of me, a list of “rules” scrawled in blue ink. The hum of espresso machines and quiet chatter fills the air, but my noise-canceling headphones mute it into a manageable hum.
The barista just smiled at me as she brought my latte, and I smiled back—Rule #1. It’s a small, ordinary moment, but it feels like a victory.
FAQ
Q: Why do autistic people create their own rules?
A: Social norms can be confusing or inconsistent for autistic people. Creating rules helps us navigate interactions in a way that feels structured and manageable.
Q: Isn’t it exhausting to follow so many rules?
A: Sometimes. But for me, the structure reduces anxiety and helps me feel more in control.
Q: What happens if you break your rules?
A: It can be stressful, but I try to remind myself that mistakes are part of being human. Learning to forgive myself is one of the hardest—and most important—rules I’ve made.
Final Thoughts
Living by my own rules isn’t about conformity—it’s about survival. It’s about finding a way to exist in a world that doesn’t always make sense, while still honoring who I am.
If you’re autistic—or just someone who feels out of step with the world—know this: it’s okay to create your own rules. It’s okay to adapt, adjust, and prioritize your needs.
And if you ever need a starting point, Rule #10 is always a good place to begin: forgive yourself when you mess up. You’re doing the best you can—and that’s enough.
