Dating is hard for anyone. It’s a weird, messy, emotionally loaded experience where everyone’s just winging it and hoping for the best. Now, throw autism into the mix, and it’s like being dropped into a high-stakes escape room—except nobody gives you the rules, and everyone else seems to already know the answers.
For me, dating feels like a game where the pieces are invisible and the instructions are written in a language I don’t understand. Subtext, body language, and unspoken social cues—the currency of romance—are currencies I’ve never been fluent in. I’ve studied them, practiced them, tried to decode them like an ancient script, but they still don’t come naturally.
The Challenges of Dating While Autistic
1. Reading Signals
Is this a date or just two friends hanging out? Does their smile mean, I’m interested, or are they just being polite? Are they leaning in because they like me, or is it just a crowded room?
The ambiguity of dating is maddening. While neurotypical people seem to navigate these waters with ease, I feel like I’m perpetually overthinking every glance, every word, every pause in conversation.
2. Sensory Sensitivities
Romantic dinners in dimly lit restaurants might look dreamy in the movies, but in reality, they can be a sensory nightmare. The clinking of glasses, the loud hum of conversation, the smell of unfamiliar foods—it all builds into an overwhelming symphony that makes it hard to focus on the person in front of me.
3. Masking Exhaustion
On a date, there’s a subtle pressure to be charming, funny, and effortlessly likable. For autistic people, this often means masking—suppressing our natural behaviors and mimicking neurotypical social norms. While I can pull it off for short bursts, it’s exhausting. By the time the date ends, I’m left feeling drained and disconnected from myself.
4. Directness vs. Subtlety
I value direct communication. If I like someone, I’ll tell them. If I don’t understand something, I’ll ask. But in the world of dating, directness is often misinterpreted as being too blunt or unromantic.
I’ve had people tell me they found my honesty refreshing, but I’ve also had others ghost me because I “didn’t play the game.” The thing is, I don’t want to play the game. I just want to be myself.
A Memorable First Date
There was one date I’ll never forget, though not for the reasons you might think. It was at a fancy rooftop bar downtown. The view was stunning—city lights twinkling like stars—but everything else was a disaster.
The music was so loud we had to shout to hear each other. The flashing lights from the DJ booth made me dizzy, and the crowd pressing in around us felt suffocating. I spent most of the night smiling through the discomfort, nodding at conversations I couldn’t follow.
By the end of the evening, I was on the verge of a meltdown. I apologized and left early, convinced I’d blown it. But to my surprise, they texted me the next day: “That place was a lot. Next time, let’s do something quieter.”
That was the moment I realized that the right person would understand my needs without judgment.
How I Navigate Dating
1. Be Honest Early On
I let potential partners know about my autism early in the conversation. It’s not a dramatic reveal—it’s just part of who I am. If they’re not okay with it, I’d rather know sooner than later.
2. Choose Comfortable Settings
No loud bars or crowded events for me. I prefer low-key, sensory-friendly dates: coffee shops, walks in the park, browsing bookstores. These settings let me focus on the person I’m with, not on trying to manage my environment.
3. Set Boundaries
If something isn’t working—whether it’s the pace of the relationship or a specific activity—I speak up. It’s not always easy, but I’ve learned that setting boundaries is essential for my well-being.
4. Embrace My Quirks
I’ve stopped trying to hide my stimming or avoid talking about my special interests. If someone doesn’t appreciate those things, they’re not the right match for me.
What I Wish People Knew About Dating an Autistic Woman
1. We’re Not Unemotional
Just because we might struggle to express emotions in traditional ways doesn’t mean we don’t feel deeply. In fact, many of us experience emotions with an intensity that can be overwhelming.
2. We Crave Connection
Autistic people value relationships just as much as neurotypical people, even if we approach them differently. We want connection, understanding, and love—we just might show it in unconventional ways.
3. We Value Honesty
Clear, direct communication is the best way to build trust with us. Subtle hints and mixed signals are confusing; we’d much rather you just say what you mean.
A Cultural Parallel
In Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet defies the rigid social norms of her time to find love on her own terms. That’s how I approach dating as an autistic woman. I’m not interested in fitting into someone else’s mold or following outdated scripts. For me, it’s about staying true to myself and finding someone who appreciates me for exactly who I am.
FAQ
Q: How do you handle rejection?
A: It’s never easy, but I remind myself that rejection isn’t about my worth—it’s about compatibility. Not every person is the right match, and that’s okay.
Q: How do you know if someone is interested in you?
A: I’ve learned to ask directly rather than rely on subtle hints. It saves a lot of confusion and anxiety.
Q: What’s your ideal first date?
A: Something quiet and low-pressure, like a walk in the park, visiting a museum, or browsing a bookstore. Bonus points if there’s a cozy corner to sit and talk.
Final Thoughts
Dating as an autistic woman is challenging, but it’s also deeply rewarding when you find someone who understands and accepts you. It’s not about playing by society’s rules or masking who you are—it’s about finding a connection that feels genuine and safe.
If you’re on this journey, remember: you don’t have to change yourself to find love. The right person will see your quirks not as obstacles, but as part of what makes you uniquely wonderful.
Resources for Navigating Dating as an Autistic Person:
- Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN)
- Neurodiverse Love Podcast
- Autism Dating Tips on Psychology Today
What has your dating experience been like? Let’s share and support each other in the comments.
