Small talk is like being trapped in a never-ending play where I forgot to learn my lines.
It’s not that I don’t want to connect with people—I do. But “How’s the weather?” and “How about that game last night?” leave me scrambling for meaning, like trying to translate a language I don’t understand.
For most people, small talk is an icebreaker. For me, it’s a minefield.
Why Small Talk Feels Impossible
- It’s Non-Linear: Small talk jumps around like a pinball, from one random topic to another. My brain craves structure and depth, so this kind of back-and-forth feels chaotic.
- It’s Performative: Small talk isn’t about exchanging information—it’s about signaling friendliness. I never learned this unspoken rule, so I approach every interaction literally, which often confuses people.
- It’s Overstimulating: Social interactions are already overwhelming, and small talk adds another layer of complexity. I’m trying to process words, body language, tone, and eye contact all at once—it’s exhausting.
A Story About Failing at Small Talk
Last year, I attended a networking event for work. Everyone was gathered around in small groups, chatting easily about their weekends, favorite TV shows, and vacation plans.
I tried to join a group, but as soon as someone said, “So, Elise, what do you do for fun?” my brain froze.
Do I talk about my love of ancient mythology? Or how I spent the weekend reorganizing my bookshelves by theme? Would they find that weird? Should I lie and say something “normal,” like hiking or Netflix?
After a long, awkward pause, I blurted out, “I really love Greek tragedies!”
Cue confused looks and a quick change of subject.
I spent the rest of the evening nursing a soda in the corner, wondering why something as simple as talking could feel so impossible.
What I Wish People Knew About Small Talk
- I’m Not Being Rude. If I seem quiet or distant, it’s not because I don’t care—it’s because I’m trying to navigate the conversation without messing up.
- I’m Better at Deep Conversations. Ask me about my favorite book, my thoughts on neurodiversity, or the best way to bake bread, and I’ll light up. Small talk drains me; deep talk fuels me.
- I Need Time to Warm Up. Give me a chance to feel comfortable, and I’ll open up—but it won’t happen immediately.
How I’ve Learned to Handle Small Talk
Over time, I’ve developed strategies to survive (and sometimes even enjoy) small talk:
- Prepare Stock Responses. I have a mental list of safe answers to common questions like “What do you do?” and “What are your hobbies?”
- Ask Open-Ended Questions. When in doubt, I turn the spotlight back on the other person. “What’s the best thing you’ve read lately?” or “What’s something you’re really excited about right now?”
- Find One-on-One Moments. Small groups are overwhelming, but I thrive in quieter, one-on-one conversations.
How You Can Help
If you’re talking to someone who struggles with small talk, here’s how to make things easier:
- Be Patient. Don’t mistake silence for disinterest—they’re likely thinking about how to respond.
- Ask Specific Questions. Instead of “How are you?” try something like, “What’s the best part of your week so far?”
- Create Space for Depth. Give them permission to talk about what they love, even if it’s not a “normal” topic.
Visual Snapshot
I’m writing this at my favorite coffee shop, tucked away at a small table by the window. Outside, the street is bustling with people, each of them likely navigating their own small talk rituals.
My notebook is open in front of me, filled with half-written thoughts and doodles of cats. The smell of fresh coffee lingers in the air, and the faint hum of conversation surrounds me like white noise. It’s the perfect balance of connection and solitude—enough to feel part of the world without being overwhelmed by it.
FAQ
Q: Why don’t you like small talk?
A: It’s not that I dislike it—it’s that my brain struggles to keep up. Small talk feels chaotic, shallow, and exhausting, which makes it hard to enjoy.
Q: Can’t you just fake it?
A: I do, sometimes. But faking small talk is like trying to swim against the current—it’s possible, but it takes a lot of energy.
Q: How can I connect with someone who struggles with small talk?
A: Be curious. Ask about their interests, give them time to respond, and don’t judge if their answers are a little unconventional.
Final Thoughts
Small talk isn’t my strength, and that’s okay. I’ve learned to accept that I’ll never be the life of the party, but that doesn’t mean I can’t connect with people—it just happens in a different way.
If you struggle with small talk, know this: you’re not broken, and you’re not alone. Your way of connecting is just as valid, even if it doesn’t fit the norm.
And if you need me, I’ll be here, sipping coffee and waiting for the next deep conversation to come along.
