“I’m autistic.”
It wasn’t a casual declaration; it was a monumental, heart-pounding moment. I rehearsed it in my head a hundred times, bracing for questions, confusion, and maybe even support. But I wasn’t prepared for the response I got most often: “Are you sure? You don’t seem autistic.”
It’s hard to explain how much those words hurt. It feels like someone taking your truth, your experiences, and your struggles, and tossing them aside. You spend your life masking, contorting yourself to fit into a neurotypical world, and when you finally let the mask slip, people dismiss you for wearing it too well.
The Myth of “Looking Autistic”
The problem starts with the stereotypes. For decades, media and pop culture have painted autism as a monolithic experience—one that often excludes women, nonbinary people, and anyone who doesn’t fit the “Rain Man” mold.
If you don’t struggle with eye contact, if you can hold a conversation, if you have a job, or if you’re not visibly stimming 24/7, people think you can’t possibly be autistic. But autism isn’t about ticking a checklist of behaviors; it’s about how our brains process the world—internally as much as externally.
The Battle of Self-Doubt
Hearing people question your diagnosis can send you spiraling into self-doubt. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m just being dramatic. Maybe I’m not autistic enough.
I remember Googling diagnostic criteria over and over, rereading articles, taking quizzes I didn’t need to take, trying to prove to myself that my autism was real. But the truth is, I don’t need anyone else’s permission to exist as I am.
For a long time, I felt like I had to justify my diagnosis, listing every struggle and symptom like I was building a case in court. Now, I simply say: “This is my experience. You don’t have to understand it for it to be valid.”
Why People Don’t Believe You
When people doubt your autism, it’s usually less about you and more about their own misconceptions. Here are a few common reasons:
- Stereotypes: They expect autism to look one specific way and can’t reconcile your experience with their narrow view.
- Masking: You’ve spent your whole life camouflaging your traits, so they’ve never seen the struggles behind the scenes.
- Ignorance: They simply don’t know enough about autism—especially how it presents in adults or marginalized groups.
It’s frustrating, but it’s also an opportunity to educate, if you have the energy.
How to Handle the Doubters
Here’s what I’ve learned about navigating disbelief when coming out as autistic:
- Set Boundaries: You don’t owe anyone your medical history or a detailed explanation of your struggles. Share what you’re comfortable with, and don’t feel guilty about holding back.
- Educate Gently: If someone is genuinely curious, share resources or explain how autism looks different for everyone. But remember, it’s not your job to convince anyone.
- Walk Away: Some people are committed to misunderstanding you. Don’t waste your energy trying to change their minds.
- Find Your People: Surround yourself with those who accept you without question, whether it’s friends, family, or the online #ActuallyAutistic community.
When the Doubters Are Close to You
It’s especially hard when the people doubting your autism are the ones you love. Family and close friends might say things like, “Why didn’t we notice before?” or “You’ve always been fine.”
What they don’t see is how hard you’ve worked to seem fine—how you’ve masked your way through every awkward social interaction, every meltdown you had to suppress, every moment of sensory overload.
When my family struggled to understand, I wrote them a letter. It wasn’t a list of symptoms or scientific facts—it was a story. I described what it feels like to navigate the world as me: the anxiety, the exhaustion, the little things that make life harder than they realize. It wasn’t perfect, but it helped bridge the gap.
Reclaiming Your Identity
Coming out as autistic is an act of bravery. You’re stepping into your truth, claiming a part of yourself that you might have spent years hiding or ignoring. It’s not always easy, and it won’t always be met with open arms, but it’s worth it.
Every time someone doubts me, I remind myself: I know who I am. I don’t need anyone else to validate that.
The Importance of Community
If you’re struggling with disbelief or rejection, know that you’re not alone. The online autistic community has been a lifesaver for me. Spaces like Reddit’s r/Autism, Instagram hashtags like #ActuallyAutistic, and blogs like this one are full of people who understand exactly what you’re going through.
Connection doesn’t have to mean convincing everyone around you. Sometimes, it’s about finding the right people to share your journey with.
Final Thoughts
Coming out as autistic is a deeply personal decision, and it comes with its own set of challenges. But it’s also freeing. It’s a chance to let go of the mask, embrace who you are, and find a community that gets it.
If you’re reading this and struggling to be believed, know this: your experience is real. Your autism is valid. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.
And if you’re someone who’s been told, “You don’t seem autistic,” maybe it’s time to ask yourself why you think that—and how you can do better to support the autistic people in your life.
Resources for Coming Out as Autistic:
- Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN)
- “Unmasking Autism” by Devon Price
- The National Autistic Society: Understanding Autism
Have you come out as autistic? What’s your experience been like? Share your story—I’d love to hear it.
