When people say, “But you don’t look autistic,” I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry. What does autism look like, exactly? Is it a puzzle piece tattooed on my forehead? A pair of noise-canceling headphones permanently glued to my ears?
The truth is, the reason you don’t “see” my autism is because I’ve gotten so good at hiding it. But hiding isn’t easy. It’s exhausting. And it comes at a cost most people don’t see.
The Mask I Wear
Masking is the invisible labor of mimicking neurotypical behavior to fit in. It’s the reason I smile and nod when I don’t understand a joke. It’s why I make eye contact, even though it feels like staring into the sun.
It’s why I don’t stim in public, even when my hands are itching to flap, tap, or twist.
Masking is my survival mechanism, but it’s also a trap.
What You Don’t See
- The Energy Drain: Masking is like running a marathon every day. By the time I get home, I’m spent.
- The Anxiety: Did I say the wrong thing? Did they notice how awkward I was?
- The Isolation: When you’re constantly hiding your true self, it’s hard to feel truly connected to others.
A Memory of Exhaustion
I once attended a networking event for work—a room full of strangers, bright lights, and loud chatter. For two hours, I smiled, shook hands, and made polite conversation.
When I got home, I collapsed on the floor of my living room and cried. My head throbbed, my body ached, and I couldn’t summon the energy to eat dinner.
The next day, a coworker said, “You seemed so confident last night!”
If only they knew.
Why We Hide
- To Avoid Judgment: Autistic traits are often misunderstood or mocked.
- To Fit In: Masking helps us navigate a neurotypical world that doesn’t make space for our quirks.
- To Stay Safe: In some situations, being openly autistic can invite discrimination or hostility.
The Cost of Hiding
Masking might make me look “normal,” but it comes at a price:
- Burnout: Constantly suppressing my true self leaves me physically and emotionally drained.
- Loss of Identity: The more I mask, the harder it is to remember who I really am.
- Missed Support: If people don’t see my autism, they assume I don’t need accommodations—which couldn’t be further from the truth.
What Happens When I Unmask
When I unmask, I can:
- Save Energy: I no longer waste precious mental and emotional reserves pretending to be someone I’m not.
- Reconnect With Myself: I rediscover parts of me I’ve hidden away for years—like the joy of stimming or the relief of saying “no” without guilt.
But unmasking isn’t always easy. Some people are uncomfortable with authenticity, especially when it doesn’t fit their idea of “normal.” It’s a risk, but it’s one I’m learning to take.
A Vision of the Future
I dream of a world where I don’t have to mask just to exist. A world where autistic traits are understood, accepted, and celebrated instead of hidden.
In that world, I’d stim freely during meetings, take breaks without fear of judgment, and say, “I don’t understand—can you explain that again?” without feeling ashamed.
In that world, my energy would go toward thriving, not just surviving.
Quotes That Speak to Me
- “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight.” —e.e. cummings
- “Hiding how you feel is draining. Being who you are is freeing.”
These remind me that unmasking isn’t just an act of rebellion—it’s an act of self-love.
What I Wish People Knew About Masking
- It’s Not a Compliment: Saying, “You don’t seem autistic” erases my experiences and the effort it takes to blend in.
- It’s Not Sustainable: Masking isn’t a long-term solution—it’s a coping mechanism born out of necessity.
- It’s Not Always a Choice: Sometimes, masking feels like the only way to navigate a world that wasn’t built for people like me.
Visual Snapshot
I’m sitting on my couch, wrapped in a soft blanket, my favorite fidget toy in hand. The room is dim, the glow of a salt lamp casting warm light across the walls. My shoes are off, my makeup is smudged, and for the first time all day, I feel like myself.
This is the space where I unmask, where I can stim, sigh, and just be. It’s quiet. It’s calm. It’s freedom.
FAQ
Q: Why do autistic people mask?
A: Masking helps us navigate social situations, avoid judgment, and fit into a neurotypical world. It’s a survival tool, not a choice.
Q: Is it okay to ask someone why they mask?
A: It’s better to ask how you can create a safe space for them to unmask. Questions about masking can feel invasive if not framed with care.
Q: How can I support someone who is unmasking?
A: Be patient, nonjudgmental, and open to learning. Validate their experiences and celebrate their authenticity.
Final Thoughts
You might not see my autism, but it’s there—hidden behind a carefully crafted mask that takes more energy than most people realize.
If you’re someone who masks, know this: you’re not alone. And while unmasking can feel like stepping into the unknown, it’s also a step toward freedom, self-acceptance, and connection.
And if you need me, you’ll find me here—wrapped in my blanket, unmasked, and finally at peace with being exactly who I am.
