I was 29 when I was diagnosed with autism. For nearly three decades, I thought I was just “weird,” “sensitive,” or “too much.” I didn’t fit the stereotypes of autism—the little boy obsessed with trains, the one who doesn’t talk, the one who struggles to make friends.
But as I learned more, I started piecing together the signs: the way I mimicked others to blend in, the hours I spent alone recovering from social interactions, the deep, consuming passions I kept to myself. And I realized: autism looks different in girls.
The Mask We Wear
Girls are often better at masking their autistic traits. From a young age, we learn to copy others—to observe how people talk, laugh, and move, and to mimic those behaviors.
When I was 10, I had a “friendship notebook.” In it, I wrote down phrases my classmates used, jokes they laughed at, and topics they liked to talk about. Before school, I’d read through it, preparing myself for the day like I was studying for an exam.
Masking helped me avoid bullying, but it came at a cost. It was exhausting, and it meant no one saw the real me—not even me.
Special Interests in Disguise
One of the most common stereotypes about autism is the idea of “special interests”—intense, focused passions that autistic people dive into completely.
For boys, these interests are often obvious: trains, dinosaurs, video games. But for girls, they’re easier to hide. My special interests as a child were dolls and fairy tales—things that seemed “normal” for a young girl. No one questioned why I spent hours organizing my dolls by hair color or rewriting the endings of Grimm’s fairy tales until they were perfect.
Even as an adult, my special interests often look like hobbies or work. People praise me for my “dedication” or “attention to detail,” not realizing these traits are part of my autism.
Social Struggles Hidden in Plain Sight
People assume girls are naturally better at socializing. But for autistic girls, that “skill” is often the result of years of careful observation and effort.
I remember the birthday parties I dreaded as a kid. I’d spend the whole time smiling and nodding, laughing at jokes I didn’t understand, and pretending to enjoy games that felt overwhelming. By the time I got home, I was so drained I’d hide in my room for hours, rocking back and forth to recover.
Even now, as an adult, socializing feels like walking a tightrope. I analyze every interaction, replaying conversations in my head to make sure I didn’t say anything “wrong.”
Why Autism in Girls Gets Missed
There are several reasons why autism is often overlooked in girls:
- Different Symptoms: Girls are more likely to internalize their struggles, showing anxiety or depression instead of outward behaviors like meltdowns.
- Social Expectations: Society expects girls to be nurturing, empathetic, and social. Autistic girls often push themselves to meet these expectations, masking their true selves.
- Bias in Diagnosis: Most autism research and diagnostic criteria are based on studies of boys, so girls who don’t fit the mold are often missed.
The Cost of Being Missed
For many autistic girls and women, a late diagnosis means years of misunderstanding and self-doubt.
I spent most of my life thinking I was “broken.” I didn’t know why I couldn’t handle noise, why I needed so much alone time, or why socializing felt like an impossible puzzle. I blamed myself for every missed cue and every meltdown, convinced I just needed to “try harder.”
Getting my diagnosis was both a relief and a grief. It explained so much, but it also made me mourn the years I spent not understanding myself.
Visual Snapshot
I’m sitting at my kitchen table, staring out the window at a pale winter sky. My notebook is open in front of me, filled with scribbled thoughts about this post. A cup of green tea steams gently at my side, and my favorite stim toy—a smooth obsidian stone—is nestled in my palm.
The room is quiet except for the soft ticking of the clock. It’s a moment of stillness in a life that often feels too loud, too fast, too much.
FAQ
Q: Why is autism harder to diagnose in girls?
A: Girls often mask their traits, and diagnostic criteria are based on male presentations of autism. This makes it easier for girls to be overlooked.
Q: Do autistic girls experience the same traits as boys?
A: Yes, but those traits may look different. For example, a boy might have a special interest in trains, while a girl might have a special interest in fashion or books.
Q: What can parents or teachers do to support autistic girls?
A: Listen to them. Pay attention to signs like exhaustion after socializing, anxiety, or intense focus on hobbies. Don’t dismiss their struggles just because they seem “fine” on the surface.
Final Thoughts
Autism in girls isn’t invisible—it’s just hidden. It’s in the quiet child who seems “shy,” the perfectionist who always gets good grades, the woman who works twice as hard to keep up but never feels like enough.
If you’re an autistic woman or girl, know this: you’re not alone. You’re not broken. And there’s a whole community of us who see you, who understand, and who are here to remind you that you don’t have to hide anymore.
And if you need me, I’ll be here—writing, stimming, and unmasking, one step at a time.
