Friendship is supposed to be easy, right? That’s what they tell you growing up—that it’s as simple as finding someone who likes the same things you do and hanging out together. But if you’re autistic, you know it’s rarely that simple. Friendship can feel like a puzzle where everyone else has the picture on the box, but you’re working with pieces that don’t seem to fit.
I’ve had friendships that felt like magic—effortless and full of understanding. But I’ve also had ones that left me feeling drained, confused, or inadequate. If relationships are plants, then I’ve overwatered some, neglected others, and occasionally wondered if I’m trying to grow a cactus in a rainforest.
Let’s talk about the unique challenges of friendship on the spectrum, the beauty of finding your people, and why it’s okay if your version of connection looks different from everyone else’s.
Decoding Social Rules
For many autistic people, social interactions come with an invisible manual—one we didn’t get. I’ve spent years trying to learn the unwritten rules of friendship: when to text back (too soon? too late?), how to show you care without overstepping, and how to navigate the minefield of small talk.
The hardest part? These rules aren’t universal. What works with one friend might not work with another, and my brain craves consistency. I want someone to say, “Here’s how to be a good friend: follow these steps, and you’ll be fine.” But real life doesn’t work like that.
The Fear of Being “Too Much”
One of the biggest challenges for me is the constant fear of being too much. Too intense. Too weird. Too quiet or too talkative. I’ve lost friendships because I over-shared or didn’t share enough, because I misread signals or didn’t notice them at all.
Autism often comes with black-and-white thinking, which means I can get stuck in extremes. Either I’m overanalyzing every interaction, or I’m so afraid of messing up that I withdraw completely. Finding the balance is exhausting, and sometimes it feels safer to keep people at arm’s length.
Sensory Needs and Social Hangovers
Here’s something neurotypical people might not understand: even the best friendships can be draining. Spending time with friends often means managing sensory input (the noise of a café, the chaos of a party) and social dynamics (reading facial expressions, keeping up with the flow of conversation).
Afterward, I feel like my brain has run a marathon. I call it a “social hangover,” and it’s not about how much I love my friends—it’s about how much energy it takes to interact.
Quality Over Quantity
For me, friendship isn’t about having a large social circle. It’s about deep, meaningful connections with a few people who truly get me. My ideal friendship doesn’t involve constant texts or weekly meet-ups—it’s the kind of relationship where you can go months without talking and pick up right where you left off.
But this can be tricky to explain. Some people equate infrequent contact with a lack of care, when in reality, I’m just bad at staying in touch. It doesn’t mean I don’t value the friendship—it just means my brain doesn’t operate on the same social schedule.
The Beauty of Finding Your People
Despite the challenges, when I find friends who accept me as I am, it’s magical. These are the people who don’t mind when I forget to respond to their texts or go quiet for a while. They understand that I might decline invitations not because I don’t care, but because I need rest.
And when we’re together, it’s effortless. They don’t judge my quirks, my hyper-focus on niche topics, or my need to stim when I’m overwhelmed. They’re the ones who see the beauty in how my brain works, not just the challenges.
How to Foster Friendships as an Autistic Person
If you’re autistic and struggling with friendship, here are a few things that have helped me:
- Be Honest About Your Needs: It can feel vulnerable, but letting friends know about your sensory limits or communication style can prevent misunderstandings.
- Find Shared Interests: Whether it’s a book club, gaming group, or fandom community, shared interests create a natural foundation for connection.
- Pace Yourself: It’s okay to say no to plans or take breaks from socializing. True friends will understand.
- Focus on the Small Stuff: Sometimes, small acts of kindness—a thoughtful message, remembering their favorite snack—can go a long way in showing you care.
The Challenges of Neurodiverse Friendships
It’s worth noting that friendships between two autistic people can also come with challenges. Just because we’re both on the spectrum doesn’t mean our needs or communication styles align perfectly. But there’s also a shared understanding that can make these relationships deeply rewarding.
Final Thoughts
Friendship on the spectrum isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it. The connections I’ve made, while fewer than most, are some of the most meaningful parts of my life.
If you’re autistic, know this: it’s okay if your friendships don’t look like everyone else’s. It’s okay if you need more space, more time, or more understanding. True friendship isn’t about fitting into a mold—it’s about finding people who love you as you are.
And if you’re neurotypical with an autistic friend, thank you for being here. Thank you for your patience, your empathy, and your willingness to meet us halfway. Your effort means more than we can say.
Resources for Navigating Friendships:
- Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN)
- “NeuroTribes” by Steve Silberman
- National Autistic Society Friendship Guide
What challenges or joys have you experienced in your friendships? Let’s keep the conversation going—I’d love to hear your stories.
