Friendship, for most people, seems to happen effortlessly. A quick hello, a shared laugh, and suddenly they’ve got plans for brunch. For me, making friends feels more like wandering around a pitch-black room, trying to find someone who won’t mind my quirks.
It’s awkward, uncertain, and sometimes downright terrifying.
Why Friendship Feels Like Dating in the Dark
- The Mystery of First Impressions:
- Meeting someone new feels like stepping onto a stage with no script. I have to guess what they’ll find funny, relatable, or annoying, all while trying to mask my nerves.
- The Fear of Rejection:
- Will they understand my quirks? Will they be patient when I don’t know what to say? The anxiety of not knowing is exhausting.
- The “Perfect Match” Pressure:
- Finding a friend who truly gets me feels as rare as a perfect first date. When it happens, it’s magical—but the search can be grueling.
A Memory of Friend-Dating
I once joined a local book club, hoping to meet people who shared my love of stories. On my first day, someone asked, “What’s your favorite book?” My brain froze. Instead of naming a normal answer like Pride and Prejudice or The Great Gatsby, I blurted out, “I’m really into niche fantasy novels about magical libraries.”
Cue awkward silence.
I spent the rest of the meeting replaying that moment, convinced I’d ruined my chances. But weeks later, one of the members approached me and said, “I found a book about a magical library. Thought you’d like it.” We’ve been friends ever since.
Why Making Friends Is Harder When You’re Autistic
- Reading Social Cues:
- Is their smile genuine or polite? Are they interested in what I’m saying or just being nice? My brain constantly questions what’s real.
- Masking Fatigue:
- Trying to appear neurotypical during early friendship stages is draining. It’s hard to be authentic when you’re afraid of being judged.
- Finding Common Ground:
- My interests can be hyper-specific (hello, magical libraries), which makes it tricky to find people who share them.
How I Navigate the Friendship Maze
- Start Small:
- Instead of jumping into big social groups, I focus on one-on-one connections where I feel less overwhelmed.
- Find Shared Interests:
- Joining book clubs, crafting groups, or fandom communities helps me meet people who love the same things I do.
- Be Honest About My Needs:
- I let potential friends know upfront that I value their company but might need extra patience as I navigate social situations.
- Embrace My Quirks:
- Instead of hiding my love for niche fantasy or my need for alone time, I use them as filters to find people who truly get me.
What I Wish People Knew About Befriending Autistic Folks
- We’re Worth the Effort:
- Building a friendship with an autistic person might take time, but the connection will be deep and genuine.
- We Value Honesty:
- Direct communication helps us feel safe. If you’re confused or unsure about something, just ask.
- Patience Is Everything:
- Social interactions can be hard for us, but with time and understanding, we’ll open up in ways that matter.
A Literary Parallel
In Anne of Green Gables, Anne Shirley says, “Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think.” That’s a lesson I’m still learning. While it might take longer for me to find friends, when I do, they’re the kindred spirits who make the search worthwhile.
FAQ
Q: How do you overcome the fear of rejection?
A: It’s not easy, but I remind myself that rejection doesn’t define my worth. The right friends will see my value.
Q: What if I feel like I’m always the one putting in effort?
A: Friendship should be a two-way street. If someone isn’t reciprocating, it’s okay to step back and focus on connections that feel balanced.
Q: How do you know if a friendship is worth pursuing?
A: I look for people who are kind, patient, and genuinely interested in what I have to say. If I feel safe being myself around them, that’s a good sign.
Final Thoughts
Making friends might feel like dating in the dark, but when you find someone who truly gets you, it’s worth every awkward moment and anxious thought.
If you’re on the friendship journey, remember: it’s okay to take your time. It’s okay to be selective. And it’s okay to walk away from connections that don’t feel right.
And if you need me, you’ll find me here—curled up with a book about magical libraries, grateful for the kindred spirits I’ve found along the way.
