Work is supposed to be about doing your job, right? Show up, complete your tasks, and go home. Simple.
But for me, work feels like navigating a minefield. It’s not the tasks themselves—those are usually fine. It’s the unspoken rules, the social dynamics, the constant masking.
And the worst part? No matter how hard I work or how much I accomplish, I still feel like a fraud.
Why Work Feels Like an Impostor Syndrome Factory
- Masking Is Exhausting: Every day, I have to “perform” neurotypical behaviors—making eye contact, engaging in small talk, managing my tone and body language. It’s like being in a play where the script changes without warning.
- Social Nuances Escape Me: I never know if I’m coming across as too formal or too casual. Did my email seem rude? Did I miss an inside joke? These questions haunt me constantly.
- Unrealistic Expectations: People assume that because I’m competent at one thing (like analyzing data or solving problems), I should be good at everything. When I struggle with tasks like organizing my calendar or remembering verbal instructions, I feel like I’m failing.
A Day I Felt Like a Complete Fraud
One Monday morning, my manager called me into her office for a “quick check-in.” I immediately panicked—was I in trouble? Did I mess something up?
She started with a compliment: “You’ve been doing great work on the project.”
Relief washed over me, but it was short-lived. She then asked, “How are you feeling about the team dynamics?”
The question hit me like a brick. Team dynamics? I had no idea. I’d been so focused on surviving each interaction—saying the right things, avoiding awkward pauses—that I hadn’t even noticed how the team was functioning.
I mumbled something generic: “Oh, I think we’re doing well.” She nodded, but I could tell she wasn’t convinced.
After the meeting, I spent hours replaying the conversation in my head, obsessing over what I could’ve said differently. I felt like a fraud—not because of my work, but because of everything else I couldn’t seem to get right.
What You Don’t See
Here’s what people don’t see when they look at me at work:
- The hours I spend rehearsing conversations in my head before a meeting.
- The post-meeting “autopsy” where I analyze every word I said and wonder if I came across poorly.
- The way I carefully mask my stims—tapping my fingers under the table, fidgeting with a paperclip—to appear “normal.”
How I’m Learning to Survive (and Thrive) at Work
- Leaning Into My Strengths: I focus on what I’m good at—problem-solving, pattern recognition, and creative thinking—and let those skills shine.
- Setting Boundaries: I’ve started saying “no” to unnecessary social events and asking for accommodations like written instructions or quiet workspaces.
- Finding Allies: I’ve confided in a few trusted coworkers about my autism, and their support has made a world of difference.
- Redefining Success: I remind myself that success isn’t about being perfect—it’s about showing up, doing my best, and taking care of myself along the way.
What Employers Can Do to Help
If you’re an employer or manager, here’s how you can support autistic employees:
- Provide Clear Expectations: Write down tasks and deadlines to minimize confusion.
- Create Quiet Spaces: Sensory-friendly work areas can reduce stress and improve focus.
- Celebrate Strengths: Recognize the unique skills and perspectives autistic employees bring to the table.
- Encourage Open Communication: Make it safe for employees to share their needs without fear of judgment.
Visual Snapshot
I’m sitting in my home office, the light from my desk lamp casting soft shadows on the walls. My laptop is open, and a half-empty mug of coffee sits beside me. On the desk, a stack of sticky notes is scattered like a patchwork of thoughts, each one a small attempt to bring order to the chaos of my brain.
The air is quiet, save for the rhythmic tapping of my keyboard—a comforting sound that reminds me I’m in my element, even if the world doesn’t always feel that way.
FAQ
Q: Do you really feel like an impostor, even when you’re doing well?
A: Yes. Impostor syndrome isn’t logical—it’s emotional. Even when I meet my goals, I often feel like I’m “faking it” because of the effort it takes to navigate the neurotypical world.
Q: How can I support an autistic coworker?
A: Be patient, offer clear communication, and avoid making assumptions about their abilities or challenges. Ask how you can help rather than guessing.
Q: Is it okay to ask if someone is autistic at work?
A: Only if they’ve shared it with you first. Otherwise, respect their privacy and focus on creating an inclusive environment for everyone.
Final Thoughts
Work is a balancing act for everyone, but for autistic people, it’s like walking a tightrope while juggling flaming torches. It’s not just about doing the job—it’s about managing expectations, navigating social norms, and finding ways to thrive in a system that wasn’t built for us.
If you feel like an impostor at work, know this: you’re not alone, and you’re not a fraud. You’re navigating a world that asks you to do more than most, and the fact that you’re still showing up is proof of your strength.
As for me, I’ll be here—writing, learning, and redefining success on my own terms.
